Page 68 of Only Mostly Devastated

He just could not let this go, could he? Honestly, I’d thought I’d get out of here without having to deal with him, given how crowded the parking lot was right now. With students spilling out left, right, and center, I’d have put all sorts of bets down that Will wouldn’t risk chasing me down.

But here he was, chasing me down.

“At leasttalkto me,” Will said. “Let me explain.”

“You don’t need to,” I said. “Lara told me. The guys found the photo of me on your phone.”

“Right.”

“Right,” I said. “So unless there’s something really, really convincing that I don’t know, there’s nothing else to explain.”

Will looked befuddled. “But then you have to know it wasn’t personal, right? I had to throw them off.”

“You didn’thaveto do anything.”

Will looked around to see if anyone was close enough to overhear. “Can we get in the car?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes and jumped into the driver’s seat, slamming the door. Will followed after me on the passenger side, with less slamming. “Ollie, if I didn’t, they would’ve been suspicious about us,” he said once he’d closed his door. “Matt would never let me live it down, he’d be after me every time I ever hung with you, like at lunch, or outside school, or—”

“And so what? Let him think what he wants. It’s not like he has proof.”

“You don’t get it.”

“Oh, don’t I?” I asked. “Do I not have any idea what it’s like to be gay?”

“You,” he said over me, “came out infuckingCalifornia. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard for you, but you have no idea what it’s like to grow up here. I knew, like, ten gay jokes before I even knew what being gaywas.My friends would never be able to accept it, okay? Do you think Matt will suddenly go out and buy an Ally T-shirt?”

“Just say it’s not like that, then! You don’t need to get with a girl to prove there’s nothing going on with me.”

“They’re always, always digging, Ollie. I told you how they used to joke about you, right? You don’t know the half of it. You aren’t friends with them. You don’t know what they’re really like.”

“But that’s the point,” I said. “I’mnotfriends with them. But they’ve been friends with you for ages. They know you. Theylikeyou.”

“Exactly. It’s different for you, because they haven’t known any other version of you. You’re wearing a fuckingnecklaceright now, and no one’s said shit. It’s, like, your thing. But it’s not my thing. My thing is being a basketballer, and being one of the guys. You think I’d get away with coming to school tomorrow wearing a necklace with a pendant on it?”

“Look,” I said. “I get why you’re scared, honestly. Of course you are. Coming out isscary, and—”

“I’m not ready to come out!” he shouted.

“I amnot asking you to,” I said, slapping the steering wheel in frustration. “But if I’m with someone, yeah, I fucking expect that they aren’t going to go dirty dance with someone else to prove a point, or insult the way I dress or act in front of their friends.”

“I said I’m sorry!”

“I don’tcareif you’re sorry! I didn’t want an apology. I wanted you to think of me, and care about how I’d feel, before you did something horrible. But you didn’t. So how can I keep doing this if I know the thought of breaking my heart isn’t enough to stop you from doing somethingno oneis forcing you to do?”

“I did itsowe can keep hanging out without—”

“No,no,don’t try to act like last night was for my benefit. Why don’t you just admit last night was one hundredpercent about you being terrified someone might figure things out, and zero about me?”

“So what if it was?” Will asked. “Am I not allowed to be scared?”

“Of course you are. But that’s the problem. If you’re so worried about what people might think that you need to do shit likethatas a response? How am I supposed to be with someone who could do that to me?”

Will folded his arms and shook his head. Apparently he had no reply. Which only incensed me more.

“You treat me like dirt. You’ve noticed that, right? And every time you apologize, I think it’ll be different this time, but it’snever different.You genuinely do not seem to give a shit about whether I’m okay.”

“That’s not true—”

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