Page 38 of Only Mostly Devastated

He stood up and came over to me, without breaking eye contact. “I remember more than just kissing, by the way.”

“Is that so?”

Dear God, I sounded like a forty-five-year-old cougar.Is that so?Really? Send help, I could not flirt. Woah, wait, he’d taken another step closer, and another, and he was looking at my mouth. Blatantly staring at it. Suddenly all I could do was stare at him staring at my mouth.

Then I was certain. He was going to kiss me.

People say when you die your life flashes before your eyes. Well, in that very moment, my future flashed before mine. Will was firmly, firmly in the closet, and obviously not comfortable with this, or us, or what we’d had. Even if he was trying to kiss me right now, a minute ago he’d definitely checked an empty room for spies. He couldn’tbeless chill about this.

Argh, but right now I could smell him. So strongly. And even that made me dizzy, and weak, and honestly, I’d have traded my own grandma for the chance to kiss him now. If I kissed him, though, I’d taste him again, and I’d be right back at square one. I’d go home tonight floating and spinning out and squeaking, and I’d wait for him to text me. But he maybe—probably—wouldn’t. And he’d maybe—probably—be all weird at school tomorrow. Then there’d be me. Basking in the putrid glow of unrequited hell.

For the last month I’d had control over things. We had a rhythm. It wascalm.I couldn’t give that up. I couldn’t go back to desperately pining and hoping, only to be let down. Not even for a kiss from Will.

Not even if I really, really, really, really, oh-fuck-am-I-actually-going-to-turn-this-down,reallywanted it.

So, actively kicking myself the whole time, I sprang backward. “You’re right,” I said. “I remember a lot of basketball. Anyway, can you give me a few minutes? I almost had this line.”

I scrambled to pick up my bass and held it up betweenus, like it was garlic and Will was a heartthrob vampire. Keeping my stare fixed on my hands, I returned to playing like the last five minutes hadn’t happened at all. I did not look at Will. Nope, I did not.

Until I did. Alas, he’d gone back to his chair, reading his textbook like nothing had happened.

Except it was the right-way up this time. And he’d angled his body away from me.

It’s an indisputable truth that one of the best things about holidays is getting to sleep in. Waiting until the sun rays drag you out of your coma, tossing around in bed a few times, maybe falling back asleep once or twice. Then rolling out of bed and down the hall to plonk in front of the television, phone in hand, cereal bowl in lap, with English class all but a faraway dream.

The night before Thanksgiving I burrowed into bed all satisfied and eager, knowing I didn’t have an alarm clock the next morning. My biggest problem was deciding if I’d go for Cheerios or Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The last thing I remembered before drifting off was deciding I’d combine them both into a monster bowl, maybe with chocolate milk instead of regular.

Three hours later, I was very rudely awakened. I peeked through bleary eyes into the pitch-black room, trying to piece together what was going on. Hand on my shoulder. Voice telling me to wake up. A voice that was not an alarm clock. Why did I have to wake before the sun, though? Wasn’t it Thanksgiving? Had I overslept somehow?

“… hospital. Come on, grab a change of clothes. You don’t need to get dressed, you can sleep in Roy and Linda’s bed. Quick, Ollie, come on.”

It was Dad. I staggered out of bed, and he thrust a shirt and jeans against my chest. I felt around for my shoes, trying to form a coherent picture of the situation in silence. Dad was muttering to himself in a panic, digging through my underwear drawer. “Jesus, Ollie, why don’t you pair your socks?”

“Grab any two. It doesn’t matter.”

“Itdoesmatter. You should fold your socks together. How lazy do you have to be to just shove socks in a drawer? You don’t even do the washing, or the drying. All we ask is for you to keep your room neat.Onesmall request—”

I rubbed the crust out of my eyes while I tried to catch up. Dad barely ever even came in my room. He’d never cared what it looked like before. “So what? They’re just socks.”

“You’reeighteen years old now, Ollie.”

“I’m seventeen.”

He slammed the drawer shut so hard the pencil tin sitting on the bureau tipped over.“For fuck’s sake, Oliver.”

Dad never swore. Never, ever, ever. I shut my mouth and sat back down on the bed, my cheeks burning. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out something was going on with Aunt Linda. Something probably worse than usual. “Who’s with the kids?” I asked.

“Roy is. He needs to go to the hospital. We need to get you over there now.”

“Wait, we’re not going?”

“Use your brain, Oliver. It’s threeA.M. in the morning. Crista and Dylan are asleep.”

But I wanted to go with the adults. I didn’t want to be at home, not sure what was happening. Waiting for the worst. But arguing with Dad in this mood was like asking a wasp for a handshake. With some effort I forced my head to clear and collected the things I figured I might need forthe day. At the last second, I turned back and grabbed my phone charger before following Dad downstairs.

Mom was bustling around with puffy, bloodshot eyes, collecting magazines, fresh wipes, and blankets under her arm.

“Get in the car,” Dad barked at me. Like I’d somehow done this to Aunt Linda. I started toward the garage, then hesitated.“What?”he demanded.

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