Page 65 of Only Mostly Devastated

“I couldn’t find him at school, and he didn’t reply to my texts. Then I asked Matt, and he told me about the whole grounding thing. Remember?”

Of course. Will hadn’t had his phone.

So the party hadn’t been about humiliating me. It was difficult to wrap my head around, and to be honest I didn’t completely buy it at first. “That seems awfully thoughtful of you,” I said, raising a pointed eyebrow.

“No one deserves to be outed against their will,” Lara said.

And this time, I believed her. Lara, who was secretly in love with Renee. Who laughed along with the group when they teased her about her party behavior like it was all one big joke. Who snapped when Will made a comment about my clothing.

Lara’d had no intention of letting me come into her school and out one of her friends.

And why shouldn’t she have thought that? I’d outed Will to the three girls, after all. On purpose or not. The consequence was still the same.

I cleared my throat and changed the subject, a little overwhelmed. “Well, hey. If things don’t work out with Renee, at least you can beprettysure Matt’s an option.”

Lara barked another laugh. “Oh God,” she said. “Oh, I used to have the biggest damn crush on him.”

“Really?”

“Yes,oh my God, yes.” She grinned. “I’m bi as fuck, Ollie, in case you haven’t noticed. I swear, he’s only paying me attention now because I like Renee. That boy only wants what he can’t have.”

Ugh. Straight guys.

“Can I confess something?”

Hearing those words come out of Lara’s mouth felt odd. Like a vegetarian asking you to pass the meatballs, or a mermaid asking to borrow your shoes. Guilt + Lara = system error. And yet, here she was, looking at me with what was almostdefinitelya guilty expression.

“Shoot.”

She shifted in place and lowered her voice. “Well, the first time Renee and I kissed, it was on a dare. And I already liked her, so, you know, jackpot.”

“Right.”

“Right. Then it was suddenly a really easy way to kiss her.Let’s do it on a dare, let’s do it for this group of guys.I used to think it was funny. Actually, not even that. I thought I was twisting the whole ‘girls performing for guys’ thing. I was usingthemto get what I wanted.”

But she didn’t sound so certain. “And now?”

“Well… what if I was wrong? What if I betrayed queer women by doing that? Even if it was for me, and I didn’t give ashitwhat those guys thought, wasn’t I still basically reinforcing the idea that my sexuality is just there to get a guy off? I mean, think of the crap people say about bi girls only wanting attention.”

Oof. On the one hand, I felt like, as a guy, it wasn’t really my place to give my thoughts. But on the other hand, I could see why she wanted to ask a gay person for advice on this one. I went slowly, and picked my words carefully. “I think if that’s how you felt safe exploring your sexuality, that’s valid. It’s not always black and white for us.”

Lara was silent for a long time. “She’s never kissed me alone,” she said finally.

I thought about how much that must hurt. How crushed I would be if Will only kissed me for someone else’s entertainment. Even if he was only pretending that was why he was doing it.

The space between Lara and me felt heavy.

“Anyway,” Lara waved a hand right through the blanket of unease. “Screw that. I don’t exist for any guy’s pleasure, and I’m not playing that game anymore. If Reneewants to kiss me, she can do it one on one. And she can do itsingle.”

“Yes.”

“Come on,” Lara said. “We need to get back inside and show those two we can have plenty of fun without them. If you’re lucky, I’ll let you use me as a pole dancing prop, and you can show Will up.”

I burst out laughing at that, and stood up. “All right. Let’s do it.”

18

Sunday, 1:51 AM

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