Page 78 of Devil and the Deep Blue Fish

“Who is it you think youdidlet down?” Taylor asked, and Jackson swung around to face her as though he’d forgotten she was there.

“Lots of people—”

“Bullshit,” she replied evenly. “Young man, you do not have desperate nightmares like I just heard for an amorphous ‘lots of people.’ Now I amtired, and I amirritated,and I need for this to be over. You will tell usnowwhat is riding you, or Ishallbind your wrists and ship you off to the nearest psych ward—”

“You would not,” Jackson retorted, obviously shocked. “You sort of like me.”

“I love you, you infuriating child.Nowsit down!”

Her voice cracked. Ellery’s mother’s voice cracked. The only time he could ever remember that happening had been… been… oh my God.In the hospital room, after Jackson had saved Ellery’s life as he lay in recovery and had nearly died himself.

“Jackson,” Ellery said, appalled. “You arebreakingmy mother! Now sit down and help us out!”

Ellery hadn’t been aware he’d held his breath until the mattress sank under Jackson’s weight and he sucked air into his lungs.

Jackson was staring at his hands. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I—”

“Whatever you’re about to ask me, no,” Taylor Cramer snapped. “Spit it out, son. Nothing is worth all of this. Who do you think you let down?”

Jackson scowled at her. “It’s stupid. It happened forever ago—”

“Who!” Ellery and his mother both shouted, exchanging surprised glances before the word stopped echoing in the bedroom.

“My baby sister,” Jackson snarled, his shoulders hunched defensively. “Are you fucking happy now?”

“You have a sister?” Taylor Cramer asked at the same time Ellery said, “Jackson, that wasn’t your fault.”

“You will explain,” Taylor said—hopefully to both of them because Ellery was the one who answered.

“His mother had a child when he was fifteen. It was how he got out of the house. She kicked him out so he could live with the Camerons because she had another source of welfare income.”

“Oh, son….” Ellery’s mother put her hand over her mouth, and Ellery didn’t even want to tell her the worst part.

He didn’t have to. The explosion had been detonated. The dam had no choice but to crumble around their ears and let the deluge cleanse them raw.

“Kaden and I,” Jackson whispered. “We stayed up. All night, that night. Listening to the baby cry. Celia had stayed in the apartment for a month—trying, I think. But after about four weeks, she… I don’t know. Left. Took off. Got high. Whatever she did. And the baby just… she was born addicted. Her screams—they made your heart pound and your palms sweat, and Kaden found me on the couch, crying. And… and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was going to run down the stairs and break down the door and get her, but Kaden tackled me. He said, ‘Jackson, my mom can’t feed anyone else. What can we do?’”

“Oh God,” Ellery whispered. He hadn’t known this part. The bare bones, but not the… the sheer desperation of the moment.

“And he was right,” Jackson gasped. “They…. Kaden and Jade and Toni. They gave upfoodso I could live there. Toni was holding on by a thread as it was. So we called CPS. We told them we could hear the baby through the walls, and the mother had abandoned her. And they came and got her. And they never knew that I was upstairs. I was her brother, and I… oh God. I couldn’t. I couldn’t take care of her. I… I’d barely gotten used to eating myself. So I gave up. I… swore I’d never give up like that again. I’d find a way. I’d keep all my promises. I’d… I’d….”

He paused, breath coming in painful pants as he made a Herculean effort to keep all of it—the pain, the helplessness, the terrifying regret, all of it—tucked inside an increasingly fragile body.

Ellery and his mother met horrified glances, and Ellery was suddenly fiercely glad she was there. This was so big. It was so awful. No one person could bear it, not if they loved this man like they did.

“You’ve done all that, son,” Taylor said, venturing close enough to reach out to him again.

He recoiled at first. “I’m a mess, Mrs. Cramer,” he said roughly. “You keep saying I’m good enough for your son, but I don’t see how—”

Ellery wrapped his arms around Jackson’s shoulders and buried his face against Jackson’s neck. “Shut up,” he said, for once out of words. “Oh God, Jackson. You are so much better than your weakest moment. You were akid—”

“But she was my family,” Jackson said, his voice thin and thready. “Ellery, she was my family, and I let her go so I could have….”

He flailed for a moment, and Ellery’s mother reached out with both hands this time to cup both his cheeks in her hands. “Food,” she said simply, and Ellery heard tears in her voice too. “Safety. Love. You need to have them to give them, Jackson. And you didn’t have them then. You did what you could. You did an incredibly brave thing—don’t think I don’t know what consequences you could have dragged down on your head with that phone call. And Kaden was brave too. The two of you were in an impossible place, and you did the best you could. It’s time to let it go now.”

“But I failed,” he said, his face crumpling, and as Ellery held his shoulders, his mother drew his face against her stomach, wrapped her arms around his head as though he was Elleryhimself, or Rebekah, or Ellery’s father. Somebody beloved to her. Somebody she would hover over, protect, and love.

“You were a child,” she said, her own voice trembling. “You were so young, son. You did the right thing, Jackson. Youalwaysdo the right thing. And the more power you have in your life, the more good you do with it. It’s okay, Jackson. You can let it go now. We still love you, even though you were young and impoverished and powerless. None of that was your fault back then. You are lovednow,do you understand me? You are lovednow.”

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