Page 42 of Atlas

“Can I tell you something then? Will you hear me out?”

He nods.

“Iwantwhat most people would consider a boring life. If it’s not boring, that’s okay too because that’s just how it goes some days. I know what a life living with great loss feels like. I know what it is to struggle and be rudderless.”

I can’t imagine what life looked like for Lynette, and the fact that I never truly thought about that until this year shows how insensitive and blind I was. I appreciated her, but not like I have recently.

I run my thumb over Atlas’ bottom lip. I do realize that if anyone saw us in here like this, there’d be some questions we’dneed to answer, but I need to be this close to him. I need to be connected with our bodies pressed together, with my hands on his skin, with our hearts beating just a few inches away.

“I don’t need you to be darker or rougher or more…alpha.”

Lynette is all alpha female, and somehow she makes that work with Bullet. I think people confuse alpha behavior with toxicity, and neither of them are that way with each other.

“I don’t need to be bent or molded. I can find my own way. What I want is a thoughtful, kind, considerate partner. I want to learn to grow with someone and have them teach me and learn with me too. If all of this is about growth, why don’t you talk to Tyrant about maybe taking more responsibility here at the club?”

He’s quiet, but not locked up like before. I can tell that he’s still processing. “If something’s bothering you, let’s figure out what it is. I’ll help.” I grasp his shoulders and kiss along his jawline, barely grazing my lips over his skin. He smells of leather and the minty shower gel he uses.

There’s no noise from the hallway or anywhere else, but Atlas wraps his hands around my waist and picks me up, setting me down on the edge of his bed while he stands. He crosses his arms, eyes raking my face in a hot caress. For a fleeting span of time, I’m not sure if he’s going to harden himself off and shut down again, or if he’s just searching himself and he needs an outlet for his restless energy.

I don’t expect him to tumble to his knees, wrap his arms around my thighs, and set his head in my lap. “You always know what to say,” he groans, tortured. “It’s incredible.”

I stroke his soft hair. Maybe it’s just the apprehension growing into a twisted, smothering anxiety in us. That trunk full of money fell on us like an avalanche, and now we’re here, our lives on pause, waiting for this incredibly strange scenario to play itself out. Whatever Atlas is feeling, whatever’s been bothering him, I know it’s been going on for much longer, but this situation doesn’t help.

I want to make things right for him, and I won’t stop being here, even if it takes a time to set whatever is bothering him to rights.

“You don’t have to be satisfied with life all the time because that’s impossible and change is important, but I do want you to be happy, or at least like you’re moving in the right direction. If I’m not it, if it’s this… we can go back to being just friends. It might hurt me and take some time to adjust, but I’d never just abandon you. I’ll love you any way I can. That might be easier said than done, but even if it takes years, I’ll get there. We both will.”

“No.” His arms lock around my waist. “It’s not that.” He lifts his head, my hand cradling the golden crown of it. “I don’t want that.”

I watch his thoughts race across his face like rapid shadows. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. I’m always here. Always. As a friend, and as… we figure out how to be more. It’s okay to be uncertain.”

If he’s afraid, I am too, but not for all those reasons that I first thought of last night. Truly giving yourself to anotherperson means being vulnerable. It’s opening yourself up, but not just to them. It’s being open withyourselfas well. I think that’s what Atlas is doing here. Growing pains.

When you fall in love with someone, you don’t just fall in love with the person they are in that moment. You love them for the past and for the future. You’re locked in a struggle that never stops evolving, but it can be a beautiful battle.

I want to tell him all of that, but it’s too much. Too heady and too soon.

He’s the one who traces my lips this time, before tenderly caressing my jaw. He pulls my face down to him and kisses me chastely, like a gentleman. I think he means to cut it off there, but he can’t. It goes on, his lips parting for mine, deepening until I’m throwing my whole body and soul behind it, giving him access to my heart, which has always been locked to everyone else.

He breaks away with regret and offers his hand as he stands to pull me up. “So how are you coping with all this?”

“Being here?” I say. Assuming he doesn’t mean the fact that I feel like I’m about to spontaneously combust after that kiss.

He nods. “You just got settled into your new place. Just opened the store and now everything’s on hold.”

“I’m adaptable. I have to be, because what else can I do? Actually, as I’ve got some unexpected time to myself, I’ve booked an appointment with Tarynn. I was planning on dragging Agatha along and we can have a girls’ day.”

He nods, smiling encouragingly. “I think she’d adore that.”

“She would. Yeah. I… but would you still like me if I wasn’t… if I didn’t look like this?”

He blanks, but to his credit, his answer is completely genuine. “I’m not sure what you mean, but of course I would still like you! You mean, when you age, or if your body changes?”

I hadn’t even thought about that. It all seems so far away. “I hope so. I’d like you too, even as an old grandpa. You’d be a hot grandpa.” Shit. I need to think before I speak, I know how sensitive that could be for him. “I meant my hair,” I blurt. “I was thinking about going back to being a brunette. I haven’t been one in years. I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be strange.”

“Your hair?” He tucks a strand behind my ear affectionately, caressing the strand.

I swallow the doubt down. What if Atlas is only attracted to blondes? If I made such a substantial change, would he hate it? Would he think that I was less me? Those are pretty crazy thoughts and probably stupid, but they still cycle through my brain viciously.

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