Page 61 of Slay the Gay Away, Daddy

His hand squeezes mine. Just the simplest of gestures, really, but it’s enough to pull me out of my head. He’s got an eyebrow raised at me, and I just shake my head, letting him know it’s okay.

When I look up, Gray shrugs at Kent. “As far as I’m concerned, this meeting never happened. Trevor can stay missing. I’ve got a big, beautiful life with the man I love. I finally got my happy ending, and I’m not wasting another second of my life worrying about him. When you came home to me, I chose you, and it was the easiest choice I’ve ever made, Half-pint.” He looks atour locked hands, then up at me, and smiles warmly. “Have you made your choice yet, Pastor?”

“Yeah,” I say, looking down at my watch. “I have.” Darren doesn’t know what I’ve got planned, and I can’t wait to see the look in his eyes when it happens. “Service starts in ten minutes. You might want to stick around.” Throwing a wink at them, I stand and hold out a hand for Darren. He stares at it for a second, blinking as if he’s confused. “Come on, baby. Let’s give them a show.”

Furrowing his brow, he cocks his head to the side, and there’s just the slightest curve to his lips, telling me he’s putting the puzzle pieces together in his head. Our hands lock, and a static charge pops at our fingertips, startling him. He giggles softly—adorably—before squeezing my hand.

“I love you, Miles,” he whispers.

I tighten my grip. “I love you too.”

We journey down the hallways, pausing in the wings, right outside the sanctuary. Darren lifts his hand to straighten my tie. I know I have to do this—for us, and for Mal—but I’m getting a little antsy.

“Whatever you’re planning on doing,” Darren whispers, looking up through his lashes as he circles the tie around and tugs it through the loop. “You don’t have to. If you’re not ready, it’s okay. We can wait until you are.”

“Dare-bear,” I say, my voice soft. “I’m almost forty. If I don’t do this now, I never will, and I need it out of me. The secret. The shame. Everything.” I nod my head toward the door leading into the sanctuary.

He sniffles, and a tear slips down his cheek. It catches me off guard, because if he’s worrying about me, he shouldn’t. I’m going to be just fine. I’ve got Darren now. Before, when he was younger, I was always scared a woman would come along and steal my best friend right out from under me. Then he left, andI struggled to simply see straight. When he came home, I got to know this new version of him. The parts of himself he’d kept hidden for so long. My best friend in the world left me and came back as a whole new person. I was scared at first, because the change in him gave way to a change in me. For those first few days, he radiated pride, and it made it all seem so simple. He didn’t make a big declaration. He didn’t let anyone shame him for it. He simply treated it as fact. He was gay, and that was okay.

And then I ruined it. I was scared, and I was weak, and I was so much smaller than him. Part of me—a part I could never have admitted out loud at the time—was jealous of him. I wanted the very best for him, but seeing him come home wrapped in a rainbow flag I’d tried to keep hidden for decades, I was deeply, bitterly jealous. Jealous and scared that I would lose him to the flames of Hell. So, I tried to hide the parts of Darren that reminded me of me. Of the secret shame I’ve lived with all my adult life. I tried to snuff out his spark the way they snuffed out mine.

I brush his teardrop away and lean in, giving him a gentle kiss. He lips part, and it’s like he’s Saint Peter, opening those pearly gates and welcoming me home. I want to come home.

When we break the kiss, I give my boy a smile. “Are you ready?”

He bites his lip and nods. “Are you?”

I take a deep breath to calm myself. “I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Me too,” he agrees, grabbing the door handle and tugging it open.

The church is livelier than usual, thanks to our guests. Gray and Kent are seated near the front, and they’re in a heated conversation. Well, Kent is in a heated conversation. Gray is just staring ahead, nodding to make it seem like he’s paying attention. Beside them, Tatum is trying to calm an irate Scotty.I’m pretty sure he’s using one of the miniature pencils from the pew in front of him to threaten Sister Matthews’ life. Lord knows what she’s done to invoke his wrath, but the little man is terrifying, so I don’t envy her in the slightest. To my surprise, there are three other visitors beside them.

When the bottom fell out of our marriage, Mal and I visited a licensed sexologist for a few months, trying to reignite a spark we never shared. Our therapist, Dr. St. James, is sitting beside Sister Matthews, and he’s got two grown twinks who appear to be near-identical twins on each of his thighs, bouncing them up and down like toddlers. It’s an eerie sight, but Dr. St. James seems to be enjoying it, so who am I to judge?

We make it three steps before I do something I’ll never be able to undo. I take my best friend’s hand, and we walk down the aisle the way Mal and I used to, every service. There are a few shocked gasps, but for the most part, it seems like everyone thinks this is just more quirky Miles Brooks behavior.

Darren is moving slowly like he’s worried if he moves too fast, he’ll outrun the moment. I walk him to his usual pew, right up front, next to Mal. Mal has always sat in the aisle seat, because it’s where the church’s first lady belongs. She shares a smile with Darren, and for the first time since I’ve been in charge, she slides over and pats the empty space.

Darren scowls at her, and my God, I love this side of him. “Are you in the midst of a vicious cognitive decline? Why the hell would I sit in your seat?” His eyes narrow. “You did something to it, didn’t you? Are you trying to kill me? Have you poured acid on the seat in hopes my backside sizzles off? My butt is my calling card, Mallory Brooks. How dare you?”

She rolls her eyes. “I was literally just sitting there.”

“And you’re literally about to be sitting in the graveyard out back if you try pulling something like this again.”

“For God’s sake, I was offering you my place, because it’s where you belong.” She looks up at me, and in this one moment, it feels like the rest of the world just disappears. I like it this way. Me, my boy, and Mal. I kind of hope it always stays this way. I don’t want her out of my life. I don’t want her banished from our home, wherever that home might be. In an ideal world, we would be able to keep our house. Darren and I would stay in our little love nest every night, and Mal would eventually find someone to share her space. Maybe we could finally even get that dog she’s always wanted. “This seat belongs to the first lady, and that’s not me anymore. It hasn’t been me for a long time.”

Seemingly dumbfounded, Darren just blinks at her. She sighs, taking his hand and tugging him down—probably harder than the situation calls for—and poking him in the chest, telling him if he ever disobeys her again, she’ll take him over her knee.

As all this happens, it’s like the world around us is black. Slowly, life flickers back to life, and I’m pulled out of my trance by someone clearing their throat behind me. I turn to find Sister Andrews staring disappointedly at me.

“There’s an elephant in the room.” She points at Darren. “It’s him. He’s the elephant.”

“I’m skinny as a rake!”

Sister Andrews ignores Darren’s outburst, keeping her eyes on me. “Is this some sort of joke to you, son? Our souls are at stake and you’re practically making goo-goo eyes at each other.”

“Sister, I—”

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