Page 40 of Slay the Gay Away, Daddy

“So, what’s the plan then? What, are you just going to keep doing your stupid stick figure masturbation routine until he sees the light?”

I shake my head, because as much as it pains me to admit, I can’t give Darren the spiritual guidance he needs. Who am I to lead him to the light when I’ve been drenched in darkness all my life?

“Darren’s father called me when I was on the way home. He knows a man. Pastor Collins from West Clark Apostolic. He’s going to take over his therapy sessions.” The words are bitter on my tongue. It’s the biggest betrayal I’ve ever committed, because Dare trusts me, and I’ve essentially thrown him to the wolves. Maybe he’ll thank me for it later. Maybe this mysterious Pastor Collins in all his infinite wisdom, can give Darren the one promise I’ve been unable to deliver on. Redemption. Maybe he might even have some left for me when they’re done.

Mal’s eyes narrow, and she swarms me like a hive of disgruntled hornets, poking my chest repeatedly, backing me further and further away until my back is pressed against the wall.

“No, the hell he will not,” she says, her voice thick and full of fire.

“What?”

She digs her finger deeper into my chest. “I have sat by for twenty years watching him watching you. I haven’t said a word until recently because I assumed you would come to your senses, but apparently, you’ve lost your damn mind instead.”

“Language,” I scold. “This is a God-fearing hou—”

Before I can react, Mal slams her mouth against mine. Her lips part, and to my horror, she shoves her tongue into my mouth. It twists and turns and invades every square centimeter, and all I can see isher. “This is what you want for him?” she mumbles against my lips before her tongue tears back through my mouth. She’s got a hand behind my head, her fingers threading through my hair, pulling me in closer for the kiss. My jaw tightens, and a familiar tingling sensation settles in my cheeks. Saliva pools in my mouth.

I’m going to puke.

“Is that what you want, Miles?” she rasps, kissing the corner of my mouth, then up the side of my face. “You want your little protégé to shove his tongue into a woman’s mouth?” Her lips continue their journey up and down my face. “Because that’s where all this leads. Up until now, you’ve been playing pretend in your office. If you allow that man to sink his teeth into Darren, this is where he’s going to wind up. Married to a woman who has never, and will never sexually fulfill him.” She moves closer, making my stomach churn. More flashes. More ofher. “Darren will have to sleep with a woman. He’s going to have to penetrate her.”

“No,” I whisper, my head spinning. I pull away and scoot across the bed, trying to get my bearings.

“That is literally the goal. Straight is great, that’s what you’re always yammering on about.”

Dare. With a woman. His pretty little cock entering—

I make a rush for the bathroom next door. Lifting the lid to the toilet, I don’t even make it to my knees before breakfast makes its reappearance. A little gets on the bathroom tiles, and I hear Mal groan in the background, but I can’t focus on her. I can’t breathe. I physically can’t inhale, because this stream feels never ending. Mal’s behind me, rubbing her hand up and down myback, but I don’t want her touching me. It makes me think of that night. The wayshewouldn’t stop. The way it just kept going.

“You’re gay, Miles,” she soothes. “There isn’t prayer enough to fix that. You were born this way. You will die this way.”

Once I’ve finally stopped vomiting, I focus on catching my breath. I’m spitting and hacking into the bowl, and it feels like if I take a breath at the wrong time, I’ll start up again, and then I’ll swallow it and choke. So, I cling to the sides of the toilet bowl with both hands, not caring that it’s not the most sanitary thing in the world, and I try to focus on something to center me. To bring me back down to Earth so it no longer feels like I’m free-falling.

Dare.

After brushing my teeth, Mal wraps an arm around me for support and guides me to my bed. Once she’s got me tucked in safe and sound, she stands to leave, but I grab her wrist.

“Please?” I whisper. “Please don’t leave me alone.”

Her expression softens even more than before, and after a beat, she gives me a quick nod. Stepping out of her slippers, she slides in beside me. “When Darren breaks in—”

“He won’t be able to.”

She rolls her eyes. “Darren Matthews is nothing if not resilient. It’s one of the things I admire most about him.Whenhe breaks in, it’s going to hurt him. You know that, right? You basically broke up with him at church.”

I shake my head, because I didn’t. I don’t plan on cutting him out of my life. I just need time to think. To breathe. I want to tell her the statement is idiotic on every level, because Dare is my world. Instead, an impossible smile splits my face.

“You admire him?”

She smiles warmly at me. “He’s a pest, but he’s our pest. A temper-tantrum-prone tapeworm that refuses to go away.” She leans closer until our foreheads touch, cupping my face tocomfort me. “I wouldn’t want him to go away, though. He’s family.”

My jaw trembles. “Yeah?”

She nods. “Yeah, Miles.”

We lie here, cuddled close, talking about my sweet boy. Well, I guess he’s our sweet boy. I mean, not sexually—for Mal at least—but still.

I look at the digital clock on my nightstand. Ten minutes until eight. I know it’s early, but I can’t bear the thought of facing this evening alone without Dare. I could just call him over, but I’m not ready for that yet. I know if he comes running, I’ll relent, and throw my entire life away before I’ve had the chance to decide this is what I want. Choosing Dare means losing everything.

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