Page 41 of Of Angels & Absolution

“Is… Is thatall?”I choke out on an incredulous laugh.

“Yes,” he says blandly. “I’ve told you, your body’s pleasure is not a sin, lamb.”

I grip the cross on my necklace, rubbing my thumb over the back of it hard enough to make my skin burn. “No,” I admit at last. “It’s not all. There’s a lot more.”

“What’s weighing on you today?” he asks gently.

“I… I want to find my friend,” I say. “The other girl I told you about, from the Quint. I thought she died, but now I’m not so sure.”

“That sounds like a noble goal.”

“Yeah,” I say, letting my head thump back on the wall. I can’t admit how terrible I am with my eyes open, as if closing them can hide the bleak nature of my true, craven self even from me. “And I still want that, don’t get me wrong. It’s just… My brother said he’d help me.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad.”

“He said he’d help me because he loves her too,” I whisper. “How can I be jealous of a dead girl?”

“Emotions often defy logic.”

“But the worst part is,” I say, drawing a shaky breath. “If we find her, and he loves her, then he’ll never love me.”

“We cannot know the future,” he says. “Only He can know what lies ahead.”

“I know,” I say, squeezing harder, until the cross breaks the skin between my fingers. “But how can I think that, Father? I’m a monster!”

“Will you stop looking because of this fear?”

“No,” I admit. “I’ll never stop. Not until I find the truth.”

“Feeling is not sin,” he says. “In fact, it’s what makes us human—the perfect humans that God intended. A sin would be acting in a way you knew was wrong, so that you could gainsomething for yourself, against the welfare of another. Is that what you’re doing?”

“No.”

“Is it what you want to do?”

“No,” I concede. “I wouldn’t even consider it. But some tiny, mean part of me does, even though I try to pretend it isn’t there. Who even has a thought like that? It’s sick.”

“You do, lamb,” he says, his voice lowered in a way that sends heat rolling across my body like thunder across an open plain.

“I just want… I want him,” I whisper.

“In what way?”

A hot tear squeezes from between my lashes and tracks down my face. “In every way.”

“And what do you want him to do?”

“I want him to love me.”

“Everyone wants to be loved, lamb.”

Hearing him say those words makes me feel valid in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. It’s okay to want what I want. It’s okay to need what I need. A rush of gratitude fills me, so warm it creates an ache that feels like love when it settles in my chest.

“Thank you,” I whisper, my throat tight.

“Do you want anything else from your brother?”

“Yes,” I admit, emboldened by his confirmation. “I want him to want me back. To do… To do things to me like Angel did. How can I want that? He’s my brother.”

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