Page 69 of Runaways

"Oh, um, not Silas. I was saying,Cyrus. We…I had a cat named Cyrus when I was little, but…coyotes ate him so…that was the bad part of the dream."

"Jesus. Really? They have coyotes in Florida?"

Right. Florida.Dothey have coyotes in Florida? I should have said it was an alligator.

"Coyotes are everywhere."

"I'm so sorry."

"Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?" I jump out of bed, narrowly escaping Mason's attempt to wrap his arms around me. "I'd better get ready for work, so you should go."

Mason frowns. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You always do this."

I shrug. "Do what? What did I do?"

"We get close, and then you shut down and withdraw, and I don't hear from you for weeks. And then we get close again, and it happens again."

He isn't wrong; I just didn't realize he was aware of the pattern. But I can't get close to anyone—not really, not ever. Not if I want to keep playing this game. No one can ever know me, just like Tate told me once before, and that's even more true now.

I can't open up. I can't tell anyone how I feel. I can't risk having more than just a drink or two with others around because I don't know what might come out of my mouth if I did.

And I can't fall asleep next to someone else. Because even though it's been over a year, I see them almost every night when I close my eyes. And I talk in my sleep.

But yesterday was my mom's birthday. And so, when I went to Jodie's to do laundry, I got into her medicine cabinet and took a Xanax, washed it down with some vodka, and only then did I decide I didn't want to be alone.

"Mason, I really do just need to get ready for work."

He sighs, reluctantly climbing out of bed and gathering his discarded clothing from the floor. When he isn't looking, I grab his wallet from the desk and quickly remove his debit card and driver's license before setting it down. I can't explain it—it's not like I'm going to use the card, and he's never done anything to deserve it…that I know of.

It's just that I can't stop playing this fucking game. In a way, it makes me feel like I'm still myself.

Or maybe it's just because I ran away from a bad life and woke up in a boring one.

"Then you'll let me take you out tonight, right?"

"I don't know," I tell him. "I'll text you."

"You know, Lilah…" Mason starts, pulling his shirt over his head. He straightens it out and then runs his hands through his blonde hair.

He really is handsome…in a very conventional way—muscular build, strong jawline, pretty blue eyes and a tight ass. He looks like the guys I hung out with at Holbridge Academy, except they onlylooked likegood guys, and none of them would've deigned to work as a mechanic.

And my ex-boyfriends murdered them.

He crosses the room until he's standing in front of me, and continues, "One of these days, I'm going to get tired of this, and I'm going to stop answering your texts, and then what are you going to do?"

It stings a little, but I know I deserve it. "I won't hold it against you."

Mason laughs a little, shaking his head before placing a hand on my cheek. "Well, that's nice of you, but it's also not at all what I wanted to hear." He leans in, kissing me on the lips. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah…see you later."

Sighing, he heads for the door. I'm relieved when it closes behind him, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. Honestly, I should leave him alone. I know he wants and deserves more than this.

But I get lonely, too. Is that so bad? Does that make me a badperson?

I have his license and debit card hidden behind my back, so yeah, it probably does.

I toss them into a drawer before getting into the shower and washing my hair. I've kept it red all this time and added bangs. I'm still in Winter Falls, working in the café. A week turned into a month, and that turned into,Can I stay through the winter?After that, it just became permanent; I didn't leave, and she never asked me to. I'm a good employee, and where else am I going to go?

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