Page 102 of The Road to Ruined

We all pile into the vehicle, and I read the details on Blakely's phone. River and Hazel's ankle bracelets were removed in their home a few nights ago, where police found suicide letters, and they've been searching for them ever since. They got a lead when a car reported stolen from nearby was found abandoned in the Kaibab National Forest near The Grand Canyon. Police K-9 units alerted on their scent in the car and followed it to a nearby cliff, where the trail was lost. They've been combing the area for any sign of their whereabouts or remains, but believe it's likely that by now, animals could have gotten to them and torn them apart.

But I know that's not the case. They wouldn't have jumped; I just hope they made it out of the country safely and without any interference from shiny assholes.

Which reminds me, there's a new one following me now. And I have no way to warn Declan and Luca that they know they're here. Now, I have to be afraid that if they aren't coming back for me, it's because they were caught by The Order and either killed or sent away, and it's my fault. I wish I'd told Declan that I love him…even though I'm angry. I wonder if, when they come for him, he'll think I gave them away.

I wonder how long it'll take before all of the wondering drives me insane…again.

I hand the phone back to my sister and then lean back in my seat, silently crying on and off for the rest of the drive.

After Blakely drops me off, I go to my room, take out my phone, and send more texts I know will go unanswered.

ME I meant everything I said.

ME I miss you.

ME We don't have to be monsters.

I take my pills and fall asleep, and when I wake up later that afternoon and try to send another message, it doesn't go through.

The service has been disconnected. Now, I have no way to communicate with any of them.

Or do I?

I quickly spring up in bed and sit down at my desk, and then I log into my old @blacklicoricenotpoison account I created to contact Luca after the first concert.

It's still there.

After ensuring the door is locked, I lower the lights, put on an old Halloween mask, and hit record.

"I don't know what the odds are that you'll actually see this, but there are some things I need to say, and so I had to try. I'm still mad at you, but Idolove you, and I didn't get to tell you that." I swallow a lump in my throat before continuing, my voice cracking. "Don't come for me…it's not safe. I'll be okay."

EIGHTEEN

Ispend the next week at home, too afraid to leave the house aside from when my mom made me pick out a couple of dresses for the wedding and the rehearsal dinner. She agreed to let me wear black to the rehearsal and picked out a sage green tulle mini dress with a high neckline and embroidered flowers for the wedding. It's pretty, and it has enough of that light purple color in it to go with the rest of the decor.

But I'm always looking over my shoulder, wondering who is watching me now, where they are, and how long they're going to let me live. I sleep with my knife clutched tightly in my fist when I'm able to sleep at all.

I take my phone with me now. I'm not afraid of the police.

And since I can't be with Luca and Declan, and Sebastian left me, I told my parents that, yes, I'd move to North Carolina with my Aunt Beth. This morning, we packed a moving truck with most of my things so that they'd arrive around the same time I do. As soon as it pulled away, we left for the airport.

We've been waiting to get through security for over an hour. Blakely and Austin didn't ride with us, but I can see them acouple of rows ahead of me; she's carrying her wedding dress and looks like she's losing her shit.

"You know, if you wanted to, you could fly to Aunt Beth's next week, and we could have someone ship your car. You don't have to drive out there alone," my mom says.

"It's okay," I tell her. "I don't mind driving. It'll be…fun."

I'll likely be killed somewhere in the middle—in one of the desolate places where there are no people, only bodies. But I'll probably be dissolved in a barrel.

Twenty minutes later, I finally step into the body scanner, placing my feet on the indicated spaces and holding my arms above my head.

"Ma'am, step to the side, please," the TSA agent says. I panic for a moment, but I know I put my knife in my checked bag; I've felt naked and exposed without it all morning.

Another agent runs the handheld metal detector wand over my body, taking his time over my right shoulder. "Clear," he announces. "You can go."

"Thanks."

By the time we get to the gate, our flight is already boarding, and Blakely is losing her shit. Half of the flight is filled with the wedding party and guests. I sit beside the window in a row with my mom and dad with my headphones on, pretending to be asleep.

---