Page 51 of Fluffed and Folded

“Yes.”

“Is it really that weird and disturbing?”

“Honestly?” he said.

She nodded.

“Yeah. It makes me really angry.”

She blinked at him in shock. “Really?”

He nodded.

“Why?”

“Because you were a child. Do you have any idea how stupid and immature I was at eighteen? I was still staying up all night to play Mario at that point. To think anyone would have thought me capable of being a husband at that point, especially someone forty years older.” He paused and shuddered, trying to throw off his revulsion. “You were taken advantage of, borderline abused.”

She frowned. “Ham was never abusive to me, he loved me.”

“He possessed you,” Eli said. It was the most vehement she’d ever heard him, and it made her feel terrible. The entire conversation made her feel things, squeamish and vaguely guiltyand borderlineashamed.Tears filled her eyes and she faced away from him, blinking rapidly.

She must not have been fast enough or sneaky enough to avoid Eli’s detection because he immediately deflated. “Oh, no, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why not? You believe it.”

“Yeah, but just because I believe something doesn’t make it right. It’s hard for me to imagine, but it was your marriage. You must have really loved him.”

His tone was probing, gentle, and somehow that made it worse. She cried in earnest now, even though she tried to press the tears back in with her fingers. “I did, and he loved me. It wasn’t about the money.”

“Hey.” Eli rested his hands gently on her shoulders and faced her toward him. “Is that what you thought I meant?”

She nodded and sniffled, too far gone to make a reply.

He pulled her carefully against his chest and hugged her, his hand making soothing passes up and down her back. “That isn’t what I meant, not at all. You did nothing wrong. You were a child who saw a chance for a better life, a way out with a man who loved you. I’m so glad it turned out well, that he was kind to you and took good care of you, financially or otherwise. I guess it makes me mad because I think of all the ways it could have gone wrong, and who would have known? Who was looking out for you?”

“No one,” she agreed. No one ever had. Even Ham. She’d thought she’d found someone to take care of her at last, and the irony was that she had become the caretaker for him. After he died, she lost the part of her that wanted to try again. It was easier to be alone than hope for something better. At least with only herself she knew she was safe. And then it turned out she had a tumor, and that was worse because there was no one, absolutely no one, to rely on. Except her neighbor, Eli. This manwho shouldn’t care about her at all, especially after the way she’d ignored him for so long, had stepped up to be the closest thing she’d ever had to a real friend. She felt grateful for his presence, but terrified, so terrified that it would disappear again. And now it would be worse because she’d had a taste of care and kindness. How would it feel if that went away again? But how could she make it stay? All in all, she felt a swirl of confusion and fear, always fear.

Except not right now, because Eli held her and soothed her, his strong hand making gentle passes down her back that ran along her nerve endings and quieted them, sending her fight-or-flight mechanism into sleep mode. She took a deep breath, held it, and let it out, releasing all her negative emotions with it. Instead she experienced a moment of such clear and intense healing that she would be hard pressed to describe the experience later. All she knew was that she wanted more of this, on repeat forever. It would be easy to say it was a byproduct of growing up and reaching out, but the more time she spent with Eli, the more she began to realize it was particular to him. He wasn’t afraid of all her broken pieces, wasn’t scared away by any of it. And neither did he see her as merely a pretty face, as so many others did. Rather, he seemed to likeDarby, seemed to see something in her he wanted more of. What, though? She had no idea.

“What are you thinking?” he asked.

“About my future, I guess.”

He let her go and studied her face. “What about it?”

“What I want it to look like.”

“Did you come to any conclusions?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know how to do that. I feel so totally clueless.”

He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Let me again remind you that you’re only twenty eight. Just because you spentfive of those years married doesn’t mean you have any idea what you’re doing.”

“So, how do you get there? How do you figure it out?” she asked.

They started to walk, to take another trek around the property. Everything was in bloom, and it wasn’t too hot, making it a perfect day for a stroll. “Let’s start with what you like about your life.”

She thought about that. What did she enjoy about her life, post-Ham? “I like the peace of it. I enjoy drinking coffee on a quiet, unhurried morning. I like being able to make my own schedule. I like overseeing the rentals, doing the bookwork, tracking my investments.”

---