Page 9 of Fluffed and Folded

“So yours are potty trained,” Eli said.

She shook her head. “No, not at all.”

“Huh,” Eli said.

“What about you?” she asked.

“I am fully potty trained,” he replied.

She gave him a blank stare.

“Joking,” he clarified, to her continued blank stare.

“I mean, Iamfully potty trained, but I don’t…I haven’t… I’m sorry, what was the question?”

“Do you have pets?”

“No, but I love animals,” Eli said.

She sighed and set her napkin on the table. “People say that, but it seems like their dedication has no follow through. Everyone believes they’re ready to be a guinea pig parent, until it happens to them, and then they don’t want the commitment, financial or otherwise.”

“How much financial commitment is there, in guinea pig ownership?” Eli asked.

“Normally not a lot, but I tend to take on the hard cases.”

“I didn’t know there were hard cases, in the guinea pig world,” Eli said.

She nodded. “Oh, yeah. It’s a whole rabbit hole of guinea pig rescue.”

“Wouldn’t that be a guinea hole?” he tried, but earned another blank stare. For a woman who specialized in animals that looked like a live action cartoon, she had remarkably little sense of humor. He cleared his throat. “What kind of rescue cases have you handled?”

“There have been quite a few surgeries. Those really add up,” she said.

“Surgery? For a guinea pig? I didn’t know such a thing existed.”

“You have to work hard, to find a vet who will do it, but by now I know exactly who to call, and we’ve worked out a payment plan. I pay in monthly installments.”

“Guinea pig layaway?”

“No, I own the guinea pigs, obviously, but I have to pay for their medical devices.”

Eli choked and sipped water, trying to get himself under control. “Guinea pig medical devices?” His mind ran rampant with tiny pacemakers, walkers, and casts. Were guinea pig wheelchairs a thing? Could he make them so? Maybe he could begin an entirely new career after this…

“They’re chewers. If left to their own devices, they’ll chew their sutures. I have to make certain they don’t, a nearly impossible job.”

“You and the guy who controls the nuclear codes, am I right?” Eli said, to another blank stare. He cleared his throat again. “Do you have any hobbies, other than the pigs?”

She grimaced. “They don’t actually like being called pigs, it’s kind of an insult. We prefer the full name, guinea pig.”

“Do they ever use titles? Like Sir Reginald Guinea Pig of The Fourth Realm?”

Blank stare.

“Sooo, other hobbies?” he tried again.

“Stand up comedy,” she said.

“You go to clubs? Who are some of your favorite performers?”

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