Page 74 of Out of the Dark

I shake my head, trying to push the words out of my mind for what feels like the millionth time today. Not only the words, but the image of her face when she had realized what she said, then the devastation that crept into her expression when I froze.

I almost said it back because it felt so right in that moment, but I didn’t. Icouldn’t. Allowing myself to voice those feelings would only make it hurt more when she finally leaves.

If she hadn’t said those three words, who knows how long this could have continued on for? I’m not planning on kicking her out or even asking her to leave, but I saw the exact moment I broke her heart in two last night.

And I fucking hate myself for it.

This morning, she was sitting at the table with a cup ofcoffee in hand and reading a book, and the glimmer of hope in her eyes faded to nothing when she looked up at me and caught my hesitant expression.

I poured my own coffee, and when I sat down beside her, she said nothing and continued to read her book as if I wasn’t there.

Those three words have shifted all the energy between us, twisted it into an uncomfortable silence. Now, Claire has left the room and I’m sitting here alone, trying to distract myself by scrolling through my phone and sipping my coffee, but nothing works. I can’t even text Shane with this issue, not only because we aren’t talking right now after our argument, but because I know exactly what he’d say. He would tell me to be true to myself—and to her—and to give it a chance.

But giving anything a chance, especially love, is such a massive risk that’s not always worth it. Up until she came along, I was perfectly fine living the bachelor lifestyle. Why did she have to come in and change everything?

My heart aches as my mind spins in circles. I told her not to get feelings involved. Sure, maybe I got feelings involved too, but it’s different. If you keep everything inside, it’s easy to pretend like it doesn’t exist. But saying it aloud gives the sentiment weight. It makes it real.

For a moment, I consider the option of taking the risk. What if I admitted what I feel for her? What if things actually went right for once?

But even if I did do that, I’d be doing her a disservice. She’s so young, and her life is just starting. There are so many possibilities out there for her to discover, especially after having been shielded from the outside world for so long. Meanwhile, I’m almost forty, and while I know that’s not "old," I’ve settled into my comfortable lifestyle. I’m happywith where I’m at in life, while Claire is still in her early twenties and has never had the opportunity to explore and discover herself.

If I kept her, I’d only be holding her back. She has her whole life in front of her, but I doubt she even registers how much there is to see and experience. This is all she knows of the world outside her old home.

The sound of Claire’s bedroom door shutting drags me from my thoughts, and I decide to take a shower, hoping the hot water will help me clear my mind.

It doesn’t.

If anything, the shower only works to amplify my worries because I have nothing to distract me.

Fuck. I need to get out of the house and find a distraction, because being here with Claire is only going to drive me insane.

But where the hell can I even go? Normally, I’d either go to the club or grab a drink with Shane, but neither of those sounds like an appealing option right now.

I need to clear my head, so I pull on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, making my way out the door. The air is warm, and I decide to walk a few blocks to a little Italian restaurant I'd once taken Claire to for lunch. I settle into a corner booth, and the buzz of conversation around me blends into the background.

As I wait for my food, I scroll through my phone absentmindedly, hoping to see a message from Claire, but the screen remains blank. A part of me tells me that it’s better this way; we both need some space to sort through our feelings. But the other part of me resents the silence, knowing I’m the one who caused it. This is my fault.

My lunch arrives at the table, but I hardly touch it. I chewon a piece of garlic bread, the flavors lost on me as my mind wanders back to Claire and the moment that shattered everything. The way her eyes gleamed with hope has been replaced by that painful expression of disappointment, and it’s eating away at me.

After paying the bill, I step outside and stand there for a moment. Where do I go? I start wandering through the city streets until I hit the river. Because it’s such a warm, pleasant day, there are people scattered along the riverwalk and boats filled with tourists passing by frequently.

I find a bench overlooking the river and watch the boats pass by. An elderly couple strolls hand in hand, and they laugh together at something the man just said. They move in harmony, their love for each other written all over their faces. Part of me feels a pang of envy—what would it be like to be so intertwined with someone else, to have built a life together, a love that withstands the tests of time?

Am I really going to deny myself this? I think. The chance at love is right there with Claire. Am I going to let it slip away because I’m scared she’ll leave? Because I think I’m holding her back?

I rub my temples, but the thoughts don’t slow. Even though she’s been sheltered her whole life, she’s a smart, capable woman who can make her own decisions. Who the hell am I to refuse a relationship with her on the presumption that I know what's better for her than she does?

Shane’s words from last week echo in my mind, and I can almost hear him taunting me, reminding me that I’m not only hurting Claire but myself as well.

The fucker was right, and he’s never going to let me live it down.

I sit for a while longer, tapping my fingersagainst the bench as I mull over the risk involved. This feeling for Claire is new and fucking terrifying, but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever felt. I should embrace it instead of running away, no matter how scared I might be. For her, the risk is worth it.

With a sudden rush of determination, I stand up and speed walk home. I need to go spill my heart out and hope, against everything, that she’ll still want me after I’ve hurt her so badly.

I head back down the riverwalk, urgency propelling me forward. Each step is a reminder of the time apart I’ve already endured, and regret twists in my gut at the thought. I can’t leave her thinking that her feelings don’t matter, that she’s not worth my vulnerability.

Because, if I’m being honest with myself, she’s worth everything. Every vulnerability, every risk, every second of my time for as long as she’ll have me.

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