Page 71 of Out of the Dark

"Deal."

A few hours later, I’m sitting in the room with Dr. Lawrence telling her about all the developments I’ve had with Mark. I even tell her about going to the club, knowing now that she’ll listen with an open mind and provide advice where it’s needed.

"So, do you feel like things are getting more serious between you and Mark?" she asks after I update her on all that’s happened.

"I do, but we both agreed that we’d do this as a no-strings-attached situation."

"And how do you feel about that now? I know last time we talked, you were conflicted."

I think for a moment before answering. "I don’t know. I’m happy with how things are going right now, but it doesn’tfeellike what we agreed to at first. I know you said last time we talked that I shouldn’t put my feelings on the back burner, but it’s like we’re in limbo right now where we won’t admitfeelings even though they’re there. We basically act like a couple already. We spend almost all of our free time together, we live together, we show affection, and he’s even taking me out to dinner tonight because he said he’s proud of me for acing my classes this semester."

Dr. Lawrence nods. "That’s wonderful that he’s acknowledging your accomplishments in a way that you appreciate. So, if things were to continue down the same path in your relationship, saying it’s no strings attached but acting in these ways, how would you feel?"

"Well… I guess I would like toactuallybe his girlfriend," I admit. It’s not something I’ve said aloud yet, but it’s something I’ve thought about increasingly over the last couple of months. "But I think he still has some weird relationship hang-ups, and I don’t want to scare him away by telling him that when we agreed that wouldn’t happen."

"Yes, you agreed to these terms with him at first, but sometimes life is more complicated than what a predetermined set of rules will allow. If you play by his rules and minimize your own feelings in the process, that’s not fair to you."

"So, I should tell him that I want more from the relationship?"

"Ultimately, it’s your choice. Just be prepared for him to hold up his boundaries as well, because he does have the right to end the arrangement if you’re not on the same page anymore."

I swallow hard but nod, already dreading the conversation with him but hoping that just maybe it will go well. I don’t want to consider the alternative. But I know Dr. Lawrence is right; I’m not being fair to myself by trying to suppress my emotions for his sake.

I need to tell him how I feel, and it will either be thecatalyst to a life-changing relationship or a massive mistake. And I won’t know which one until I take the leap.

"I’ll tell him," I say, more to myself than to Dr. Lawrence.

She nods. "Okay. I hope it goes well for you, Claire. And I hope you have a lovely dinner tonight. See you next week?"

"Yeah." I stand and thank her before heading out, and Mark is waiting in the parking lot with the windows rolled down, listening to some obnoxiously loud rock music.

When he sees me, a smile forms on his lips and he reaches to turn down the radio. "Hey, how’d it go?"

"Good," I say, plastering on a fake smile. I’m not planning on telling him tonight—at least, I don’t think I am—but my heart is racing like I’ve just ran a mile. But if I don’t tell him tonight, how long am I going to put it off and allow myself to stress about it? Dr. Lawrence and I have had a similar conversation about this situation multiple times now. I can’t just keep going in circles like this.

Mark takes my hand in his as he pulls out of the parking lot. "Awesome. Let’s get some food, then. I’m starving."

My stomach twists, but not with hunger, and on the drive to the restaurant, I try to convince myself that the conversation will go well whenever it happens. That he’ll admit my feelings are reciprocated and we’ll live happily ever after.

I just hope I’m right, because the alternative is too painful to consider.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

CLAIRE

The front door clicks shut behind us, the sound echoing in the quiet apartment. Dinner was delicious and filled with laughter and the occasional heated glance, but after my session with Dr. Lawrence earlier, the stress of needing to tell Mark how I feel has been a constant undercurrent in my mind. I try to ignore it as I kick off my shoes and follow Mark into the living room.

"How about a drink to celebrate your success?" Mark asks, already heading towards the kitchen. "I have a nice bottle of red I've been saving for a special occasion."

"That sounds perfect." My voice is steady despite the nerves fluttering in my stomach. I need to talk to him, to tell him how I feel, but the words are stuck in my throat. I’m held back by the fear of rejection, knowing that the pain of losing him would hurt so much worse than hiding the intensity of my feelings.

He returns a moment later with a glass of wine in either hand, the dark red liquid sloshing against the sides of the glasses. I gratefully accept mine and take a sip, then another. Settling onto the couch, Mark wraps an arm around me, and I close my eyes for a few seconds.

You know what?I think.Today is about celebrating. I can wait until tomorrow to have this talk.Tonight, I’m going to take every ounce of enjoyment I can from my time with Mark.

"Is there anything particular you’d like to do tonight?" he asks me.

"Just enjoy your company. Though maybe we could go to Club Caliber again next weekend as a late celebration..."

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