Page 57 of Out of the Dark

As soon as she asks, I tell her about the emails. Dr. Lawrence has a way of making me feel like I’m the only person in the world when I’m in her office, and today, I need that more than ever.

When I finish explaining, she leans back in her chair and studies me for a moment. "I can see why this is upsetting. Receiving those emails would be difficult for anyone, especially given your history with your family and their expectations."

I swallow the lump forming in my throat. "I thought I was doing better dealing with the guilt. But these emails make me feel awful. I feel like I’m right back under their control."

"That’s a natural response," she says. "Their words are designed to evoke guilt and fear—two very powerful emotions that you associate with them and their way of life. But I want you to consider something: do their words hold any power over you now, or is it the memories of the past that give them power?"

The question catches me off guard. "I… I don’t know. Maybe both?"

"That’s fair," she says. "But the fact that you recognize what they’re trying to do is already a sign of your growth.You’re not that same person who felt trapped and unable to make her own decisions. You’ve taken control of your life in ways they couldn’t have imagined. This is your space now—your life. They can send a hundred emails, but they can’t make you go back unless you choose to."

Her words are comforting, but they don’t completely ease the tension in my chest. "I know you’re right, but it still gets to me. It feels like I’ll never really be free from them."

"Freedom isn’t always about distance," Dr. Lawrence says gently. "It’s about finding peace with your decisions and learning to separate who you are now from who they tried to make you. The emails are a reminder of where you came from, but they don’t define you."

I try to internalize her words, but a part of me just wants some actionable advice. "So, what should I do about them?"

"That’s your choice," she says. "You could block the sender, but as you said, they might just create another email account. You could reply to the email if you think it might help the situation. Or, you could write a response—not to send, but for yourself. Sometimes putting your thoughts into words can help you process them."

"I like that last idea. I write in my journal all the time anyway, so that could help."

Dr. Lawrence smiles. "Good. And remember, it’s okay to feel unsettled. Healing isn’t linear. You’ve made so much progress, Claire. Don’t let these emails make you forget that."

Her reassurance lightens the weight crushing my chest.

We spend the rest of the session unpacking my feelings about the emails, and not long before the session is over, I mention my vacation with Mark. A small smile creeps onto my face as I describe the days we spent in the tropical paradise—the sunsets, the laughter, and the way we seemed to fittogether so effortlessly.

"Things sound like they’re going well with Mark," Dr. Lawrence observes. "How are you feeling about the relationship?"

I hesitate. "It’s… complicated. I know he doesn’t want anything serious, and I agreed to that, but it feels like we’re more than just casual. It’s confusing."

"Have you talked to him about how you feel yet?" she asks.

"No," I admit. "I’m afraid to. I don’t want to scare him off."

She nods thoughtfully. "It’s understandable to feel that way, but relationships thrive on communication. It’s okay to take things one day at a time, as you’ve been doing, but it’s also okay to want clarity. What’s important is figuring out what you need and whether the relationship, as it stands, fulfills that."

I sigh. "I don’t know what I need yet. I just don’t want to lose him." I don’t bother correcting her using the term "relationship," since I’m not exactly sure what to call my arrangement with Mark.

"Just remember, don’t put your own feelings on the back burner in order to keep the peace. Sometimes things need to be discussed and brought into the open, even when it’s a difficult conversation."

Ugh. She’s right again. Of course I’m used to putting my feelings aside to keep the peace. It’s how I was raised and is my natural reaction to any sort of relationship, whether it be family, friends, or more.

We wrap up our conversation, agreeing to dive more into what Dr. Lawrence refers to as my "anxious attachment style."

I spend the drive home playing over the session, trying to internalize everything she told me about my feelings beingvalid and how communication is important. Maybe I should journal about this when I get home. Writing everything down always helps me gather my thoughts and untangle them into something that makes a little more sense.

Maybe I will talk to Mark about my feelings, if not tonight then possibly this weekend. It’s times like these that I wish I could see inside his mind.

I punch in the code to open the apartment door, lost in my own thoughts. But there’s no time to think anymore, because Mark is sprawled out on the couch when I enter, and the grin he gives me melts away every worry I’d had.

And more than anything right now, I want him to touch me and make me forget every concern plaguing my mind.

CHAPTER THIRTY

CLAIRE

"Hey, you," Mark says. His smile makes my stomach flip—he’s so damn attractive, and that radiant smile only amplifies his charm. He pats the couch beside him, beckoning me to join him.

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