Page 17 of Wonderstruck

The thought was as sobering as a slap.

I had to stop.

Ihadto stop doing this to everyone.

To them. To Daisy.

To Rory.

Maybe we could get coffee sometime… just the two of us?

I'd wanted to say yes. God, every partof me burned to tell her that getting coffee with her sounded like the best idea in the world.

But I hadn't. Instead, I'd let my dad’s voice crawl into my head, filling mewith fears of becoming him if I let myself have her. It was easier to lock it all up inside than face what I was truly scared of.

Becoming the best of him if I hadher.

Only to become the worst if I losther.

And back then I thought that risk outweighed everything.

But not anymore.

Ihadto change. Rory deserved morethan silence. More than the quiet ache of feeling like she wasn’t enough.

I headed for the couch to grab myphone to text Daisy back.

i will. i promise.

When her reply came seconds later, the reality of what letting go of the past meant hit me square in the chest.

in that case. we may all need your help tomorrow.

chapter six

lose you to love you, i suppose

The breath I took as I stood in front of the house I used to call home was hard.

Looking up at it now was only taking me back to when Dad was alive. Not happy,not fully, but alive, and well enough to be home. Right after senior prom, his health started getting worse, as though the heartbreak that had made a home in his heart had finally laid its roots.

I could almost see him wandering around on the front lawn, a padded vest overhis body and a cowboy hat that I'm suprised he still had the strength to wear after Montana. I could see him tending to the flowers, a job that I knew mom would have controlled had she been here to see this house. Like that was another part of her that he was trying to hold on to.

I felt the girls brush up beside me as Cora mumbled something to Jamie,her bodyguard who’d driven us here. He’d been her shadow since our senior year, when her social media following really blossomed, so having him around was almost as comforting as having her.

“It’s beautiful,” Daisy mumbled as shegrabbed my hand, somehow knowing Ineeded something to stabilise me.

Before I could let the sting of tearsforce me to dab my eyes, I stole a breath, this one somehow easier than the last.

“Okay, let’s do this,” I got the keys from the envelope and wedged them into the lock.

The hinges creaked as the entryway revealed itself, and before I could talk myself out of doing this I put one foot over the threshold, then the other. A silly part of my mind expected to see him down the hall, walking towards mewith a big smile and wide arms ready to hug me. But when I finally lifted my eyes, the hallway was empty. Dusty. Like it was always going to be.

“Oh my God,” Goldie gasped frombeside me. “This house… are you sure youhave to sell it?”

I looked at her, sure that all the waysI’d conspired to keep this place were shining in my eyes. “I’m sure.” I traced the bannister I never found the courage to slide down, and sank into my reflection in the mirror before lifting my eyes back up. “It’s time for it to go.”

I met their stares again and felt a swell of gratitude. Justhaving them here made the impossible seem possible. If I had to face this place on my own, I would have turned away before even making it through the door. That much I was sure of.

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