Page 136 of Wonderstruck

“He’s not here,” Grandpa said suddenly, hisvoice blunt, free of all the charm he’d showered Rory with. But his eyes softened, like he could see straight through me.

I didn’t even feel guilty about the way my chest felt lighter, and my head less heavy. All the made up scenarios I’d spent the flight obsessing over, images of him ruining this moment gone. Just like that.

Because, if it wasn't already obvious, I hated seeing him. Ihated that the man who was supposed to be my father had turned into this… spectre. A shadow of himself, haunted by every bottle he’d emptied and every promise he’d broken.

I hated the feeling that came every time I stoodon this porch, my heart pounding like it knew something I didn’t. The way dread clung to me, heavy and suffocating, as I wondered if he was on the other side of the door—or worse, if we’d be left standing here until he stumbled up the steps, reeking of alcohol, eyes glassy and unfocused.

It was like standing under a tornado siren, waiting for the storm to hit, butnever knowing when or how bad the damage would be.

I shifted the weight of the bags, steeling myself.Still, the curiosity nipped at me like the cold was. “Where is he?” I asked, nodding my chin at him as he straightened up.

He sighed as his hand landed on my shoulder.“I’m not sure. Hasn’t been home in around a week.”

A week.

Afuckingweek?

The longest I’d known him to stay clear of homewas a day or two. But a week?

I shook my head. “He’s never been gone thatlong.”

Grandpa shrugged, the hopeless look I’d seen onhis face throughout my entire childhood masking the glow seeing us brought as the last of the sun hit him. “I can’t say anything to him anymore, Finn. You know that. It was different when you and Daisy were babies, he needed to show up for you. But you’ve both grown up without him, and now that you're adults it’s even harder for him to find a reason to turn his life around.”

Now that we’re adults and have done a fine jobraising ourselves.

“Because he doesn’t care about us,” I said intothe air, not realising I’d spoken until I saw Grandpa’s brows crease, sympathy knitted between them.

He gripped the back of my neck, in the soothingway he always did. “Because he doesn’t care about being present in a world without your mother.”

“Does that make it any less of an insult?” Theporch creaked beneath as I faced him. “Me, Daisy and even you got on with our lives just fine, and yeah not having Mom around anymore hurt but—”

“It’s different for him and you know it.” Grandpashook his head. “And this isn’t me giving the son of a bitch a get out of jail free card, because I’m just as pissed with him as you are, but I know that kind of hurt.” My eyes flew to his. “I know what it’s like to lose the love of your life without any warning, and how badly you’d do anything to steal back just one minute with them.” I’d never heard his voice so clogged before. “But I found my joy watching you two become the amazing people that you have. And that was enough. Enough to keep me going.”

But not enough for Dad.

"You're lucky enough, son, that you haven't known heartbreak yet. And that's exactly why your Dad is the way he is." His eyes searched mine. "It's not an excuse, but it's the best answer I can give you."

I shook my head, frustration nipping at my fingertips. "I've known heartbreak, Grandpa. I pretended I didn't love Rory last year, because I was so scared of becoming him that I was willing to break my own heart just to save it." The flash flood of memories destroys my mind, but one thing sticks out more evident than ever. "But even when I lost her I didn't feel like… him. I didn't want to abandon everything I was working for, I didn't abandon Daisy or my friends because I couldn't face reality."

This was probably the first time when I realised, truly, how pointless turning her down last year had been. I let her go, she wasn't in my life and yet I still didn't turn out like him. And yeah, maybe our definitions of heartbreak were thousands of miles apart but… a broken heart was still broken regardless of what broke it. And the way I handled mine?

I was never him, was I?

Something pinched in my eyes as I blinked, my eyes zeroing in on Grandpa and the sad, almost longing look masking his. He studied me for barely a second before his mouth opened. "You did what?"

Hearing his voice clogged was one thing, but seeing this powerhouse of a man, the best and only thing I'd take as a father figure choking back tears and swallowing the obvious lump in his throat was enough for me to cave. I gave up trying to bite back my tears and instead wandered to his chest. His arms opened almost like he knew I needed this. Needed to be held. Needed to let that scared little boy out for just a moment.

And before the tears choked me too, I crumbled into his chest as my mouth opened. "I let her go because I didn't want to become him if I lost her."

That was all I could manage without sobbing. All Grandpa would let me say before he tugged me into him, wrapping his arms over me like he used to do when we were little and we were frightened of our shadows.

I couldn't remember the last time I let myself cry like this, but it felt good. Overdue. And whilst the moment was here I wasn't going to hold back on everything I'd been swallowing, the parts of myself I'd hiding behind the suit of arms I wore everyday.

His earthy, almost fire-lit scent held me captive, long enough for my heart to slow right back down and for everything to dry up. Once I stopped shaking he gripped my shoulders and pulled me away, dipping his eyes to search mine.

“You aren’t him, Finn.” I couldn’t help but let my face scrunch with the promise of tears. But quick as anything Grandpa swiped his calloused thumbs right under my eyes, the sting from that not nearly as bad as the one softening in the back of my eyes. “You’re the best parts of him. You’ve got his sense of humour, his smile, and hell you’ve even got the same bravado.” His head dipped one last time, his eyes serious. “But listen to me when I tell you. You. Aren’t. Him.”

My head shook. “How do you know?”

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