Page 85 of Starstruck

I hesitated, my heart pounding. I didn’t want to hurt him, but the truth was, Ididn’t know what I wanted anymore. Everything felt like it was slipping through my fingers. Like I was losing a grip on my gut feelings, like it's power was draining.

“I just want something real,” I said, my voice breaking a little. “I want to feelsomething real. And I don’t know what that looks like yet. I don’t know if it’s with you or with Tristan or—”

“Or anyone else,” Henry finished for me, his voice cold.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. “No, Tristan, I didn’t mean—”

The name slipped out, uninvited and unforgiving. It hung between us, sharpand undeniable, like a slap in the cold night air. I froze, my breath catching in my throat.

Oh God.

Henry’s face went blank, the teasing smile vanishing as quickly as it had come.“What did you just call me?”

I couldn’t breathe. “Henry, I—”

“No,” he cut me off, stepping back. “No, it’s fine.”

“Wait, please,” I begged, reaching for him, but he pulled away, shaking hishead.

“You don’t need to explain; you already did.” His voice was low and bitter, ashe flailed his arms hopelessly by his side. “No matter what I do, what I say, or who I threa—” Whatever was going to fall out of his mouth halted. He shook his head at me, judgement raking through them. “It’s gonna be him, isn’t it?”

The sting of tears had me brushing at my eyes, wiping away any evidence thatwould tell him he was right.

But I watched him watching me, tracing the small stream of tears that began torun over my cheeks, until he nodded, satisfied with whatever conclusion he’d come to in his mind.

He didn’t wait for me to answer him, my tears did that better than words could anyway. So, without another word, Henry turned and headed back down the leaf lined street we’d walked down, his steps quick, shoulders tense.

And all I could do was stand there and watch, the cold biting at my skin as Iwaited for that realisation that was sitting in the dark corners of my mind to spring to life, sending me down the street after him and confessing that he was who I wanted to trust.

But it was never going to wake up, simply because whatever life it had left in it, whatever feelings I’d feel for Henry once upon a time, faded the second I saw Tristan again tonight.

I closed my eyes, leaning back against the cold brick, hoping it would steadymy racing heart.

I’d wanted to forget about Tristan, to move on, but the harder I tried, themore he slipped back in. The harder I tried to forget his hold on me, the tighter it got.

chapter twenty seven

there aren't enough chords

Iwrote another song about Goldie Moore tonight. I was in two minds whether it set it alight or put it as the title track to my album.

.

chapter twenty eight

trace my tattoos and ask me what they mean

Something about this place had felt a lot grayer since my run inwith Goldie at the game last week, and for the first time since I’d been here, I’d never wanted to leave more.

It probably didn’t help that it hadn’t stopped raining in the city forat least a week, cursing what was a clear and crisp start to November with the dreariness I’m used to seeing back home. It would have made me miss home—the rain and the turbulent clouds—but if anything, it felt like what I was trying to escape was finally catching up with me.

As though the shadows weren’t good enough anymore.

As though this place that I thought meant nothing to me wasbecoming the type of home I was running away from.

All that on top of fact that there was someone here who knew whatI was trying to run from… I had to wonder whether all of this—every choice I’d made after that night—had been a mistake.

The grassy knoll that me and Goldie had found the day I told herwhat I’d found out about Henry seemed to be one of the only places where I felt comfortable, where I felt free, and whether it was raining or not, I’d still come here. Just to escape reality for a while.

---