Page 127 of The Fate Of Us

I knew he was here, I’d caught a glimpse of him when I stepped foot onto the field, thenbrought my eyes back down and into a stare-off with my steps, before slowly cranking my head up to see him again with each step I took.

What hurt most, I think, about all the revelations and realisations of the past week wasthat, despite what had happened, despite everything Nate had done over the lost years because he thought I’d betrayed him… not a single ounce of the love I’d built up for him, since the moment I met him, not a drop was leaving my heart.

I’d screamed and cried into several pristine white hotel pillows when I realised that ourlove was outweighing the hurt. The hurt was a grain of sand compared to the dunes of love I still felt for him. I couldn’t figure out why. I couldn’t understand why the man who’d spent so much time hating me for something I never did, setting fire to our potential, still had my heart wrapped around his little finger.

I was angry. I was angry that I couldn’t find a way to detach myself from it all. I should havebeen furious with him, and in the moment, when that last puzzle piece clicked into place, I was. I was overcome with anger in the moment, but… I’m sure it died the moment I got back to my hotel room and my eyes fluttered closed as I ran to the safety of the bed.

Time and space, especially on your own, have a funny way of healing you without yourealising… don’t you think? The time I was unbothered by the outside world gave me clarity, and if this morning’s revelations were anything to go by, I think I finally know now why I couldn’t pry myself away from the feelings fluttering in my heart.

Our actions don’t complete us. They don’t define who we are inside.

I couldn’t control the way he hurt me, or the ways I hurt him, but I hope he knows howmuch I don’t hold it against him. I hope he knows that his actions don’t completehim, or make me think less of him.

Yes, he screwed up. He wasted so much time hating a version of me that never existed.

But so did I. Granted, our mistakes were light years apart, but... does that matter?

We both screwed up.

Does one bad thing take away from all the good this man has brought into my life?

Does it take away from the hours he spent cradling me in this very city while I cried in his arms?

I could stand here, walk towards him and decide to spend the next seven years hatingNate Patricks for screwing up, only to realise after all that time the love I felt for him then was the same kind, same ferocity, that was beating around my body now.

My mind told me to stop right there, to never forgive him. That there was no comingback from this.

But that kind of ignorance that was brewing inside my heart was what had gotten usinto this mess in the first place. If we’d been honest from the moment we saw how things were different, how our paths had shifted, the charting of our hearts off course, we wouldn’t be here right now.

I suppose this is the part where I’m supposed to say everything happens for a reason, andmaybe it does. Maybe fate had to be cruel to be kind to us.

A call from one of the crew members racing past me to join the crowd in the centre of the fieldknocked me out of my thoughts. I was breaching the edge of where the cameras had been set up, spotted Sebastian and exchanged pearly smiles, before walking into the glow of the lights.

It’s the way I want to squirm and my skin goes itchy that makes me shuffle on my feet,that undeniable feeling that I’m not meant to be here settling over me like a fire blanket. Then comes the familiar knot in my stomach, thick and tight, constructed of the same heavy-duty nautical rope it always is. My hand swoops to my stomach, clutching it subtly.

Not like anyone would notice my discomfort. I've been miserable for years and nobody knows.

It’s not like the people around me whoclaim to be huge fans know that I’m miserable. I’d been coping with these feelings for years and not once had anyone questioned why I always looked like I was about to hurl every time I was under a spotlight and the weight of every camera ever made. No one looked twice if they caught me hunched over and panting.

I did question, though, how much longer I could take this. The panicking. The dread. Theoverthinking. The pleasing. The second guessing. The wishing that I was tucked away in my office, snuggled up on my bean bag, writing, and writing and writing until I fell asleep.

Who was thriving from this torture?

Who am I doing this for now?

I certainly wasn’t doing it for myself. I wasn’t doing it for my parents anymore. I wasn’teven doing it because I knew writing would always be a forgotten dream. It wasn’t… it was a dream that had everything going for it, proof that I could do it. I think seeing my books, all bound and shiny and real, helped me see what they could be.

What that dream could be.

I felt like a chick in an incubator, burning under the lights surrounding me, baking me like the California sun was. We couldn’t be in a more open space, but somehow it felt like the stands were closing in on me, the crowds of crew members were growing. The chatter coming from them was all muffled, a foreign language I had no idea how to translate.

The knot that was in the pit of my stomach began to rise, like a snake slithering throughmy body and finding its way to my heart, constricting and tightening and making my head feel heavy. I couldn’t breathe, my chest was heaving, and a feeling of nothingness descended through my arms until it reached the tips of my fingers. I had no idea what was happening. Oh my God, what the hell was happening to me?—

“Hey, hey… you’re okay.” A voice that wasn’t like the others said from beside me, ashands that weren’t my own held my shoulders steady.

I dragged my eyes up, only for them to find Nate, standing over me and blocking the sun. Ifeel my eyes go wide, everything we haven’t spoken about hanging in the space between us.

“Breathe… take a deep breath for me, Addy,” he urged, so softly. His eyes were scanningmine, like he was trying to find something in them. His hands slid down my shoulders and cupped my elbows, before falling to my hands that were trembling.

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