Page 46 of Hidden Desires

Jackson stared at his sandwich. “I don’t know what to feel.”

“Have you told her you love her yet?”

Jackson shook his head.

“Why not?”

“It’s harder than you think,” Jackson said.

“Don’t push her away, Jack. Withholding that kind of info, including your past, is keeping her at a distance from you. You need to tell her everything.”

He hadn’t told but two people what happened twenty years ago, and Autumn sure didn’t need that info to worry about on top of everything else. He and Davis finished eating in silence. Davis knew everything about Jackson’s past, as did the Major. Both in a sense helped him with the pain.

Autumn came out freshly showered and dressed in her pajamas. Jackson opened his arms to her and pulled her onto his lap while he finished eating.

“I love you.” He kissed her lips and wrapped his arm around her back, resting his hand on her thigh. “Are you hungry or thirsty?”

She shook her head, tears forming again. “Do you mean it?”

“Yes. I love you, Autumn.”

She hugged him to her, pressing her face against his neck. Jackson met Davis’s eyes. His friend grabbed his sandwich and pointed toward the hallway where he disappeared a few seconds later.

“You have no idea what that means to me, to hear you say those words.” Tears streaking her cheeks, she smiled and kissed him. “I love you so much.”

Jackson’s heart broke every time he looked into her eyes. “We need to talk about it, Autumn. We need to talk about losing the baby.”

She stiffened. “What’s there to talk about? I was pregnant and didn’t even know it. How can you grieve for something you didn’t even know you had?”

He glanced down. “I’m grieving. Trust me, I never pictured myself as a father, and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting them to say you miscarried. That was my baby inside you. Even if it was so small we couldn’t see it, it was a part of me and you and I’m grieving the loss of that.”

Autumn withdrew from him and went to the kitchen, snatching a bag of Cheetos with a shaky hand. “It wasn’t my first miscarriage.”

Jackson stared at the back of her head. “What?”

“I was pregnant four years ago. I made it to the eleventh week and then I miscarried.”

“Did you tell anyone?”

“No. I didn’t show and I didn’t bother to share the info.” She leaned against the counter. “Frank was an ass, and I felt so bad because I was relieved I wouldn’t be having a child with him.”

Jackson watched her every move letting her sudden bout of information sink into his brain. She was going to have a kid with Gallagher. She miscarried. As wrong as it sounded, he was relived too even though he had no right to be.

“You went through it alone?”

She nodded. “I stayed home a couple days. I told Summer that I had a heavy period and that my doctor wanted me off my feet to see if it would lighten up. After that, I went back to work as if nothing happened.”

Jackson propped his arms on the counter before him. “It’s okay to not want a baby. It’s not your fault you miscarried, Autumn.”

She leaned her head against the refrigerator. “I know that. It’s just, I wanted a baby with you.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her they would try again. But while she was being examined, he read the pamphlets the doctors gave him and found out that wasn’t the best way to go about helping her through this. He was at a loss for words.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put you in this position.” She shook her head and resumed eating her Cheetos.

“What position?”

“I’m not making any sense.” She rubbed her forehead with her fingers. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to give me another child because I miscarried the one we didn’t know about. I didn’t plan on it, but it was there evidently. What I’m trying to say is I’ve always wanted you. And I’ve always pictured you as the person I had children with. That’s what I meant when I said I wanted a baby with you. I love you, and I want to share that with you one day.”

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