Page 30 of Hidden Desires

Autumn closed her eyes as a tear escaped. “At least I know where I stand.”

“Autumn”—his fingers wrapped around her arm—“Shit. That didn’t come out right. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.”

“You’re talking about your feelings. Something you seem to have a hard time dealing with.” She brushed him off and wiped the tears on her cheeks. “Why can’t guys just say what they feel? They have no trouble expressing themselves otherwise, but emotionally they clog up worse than a hairball in the pipes. It’s not fair.”

“Autumn, would you please listen to me? I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.” He blew out a breath, and she felt the mattress bounce as he moved closer to her. “You want to know about my past, fine. I grew up in a house where love didn’t exist. I grew up with a parent I didn’t trust and ultimately wanted to get away from every time I was forced to stay with him. I didn’t get along with my dad at all, and I refuse to talk any more about that relationship with anyone. It has nothing to do with me trusting you. I’m sorry I can’t be the guy who has the perfect life, the perfect everything that you fantasize about. I want to, I do, but it’s impossible.”

Autumn felt his lips against her arm. “Jackson, you are what I fantasize about. I feel so foolish in admitting this, but you’re the only guy I’ve ever wanted.”

She scooted the blankets aside and faced him. “And it is about trust, Jackson. If you can’t trust me with the details of your past, what can you trust me with? I’m not forcing you to tell me. But I want you to want to tell me. It’s part of giving yourself to someone, something that no matter what, no one will take away.”

Autumn silently scolded herself for sounding like her mother. “Look, part of being in a relationship is sharing your life with someone. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Otherwise, without the sharing, there is no relationship and we’re back to being fuck buddies. Is that what we are to you, Jackson? Am I still the same dumb fool who let you use her body and blindly wishes maybe—just maybe—you’d have an ounce of love in your heart for me?”

He looked straight into her eyes. “I can’t say what you want to hear, Autumn. I won’t. I’m not using you. I admit that, but I can’t admit I’m in love with you—not the way you want and need.”

“I’m going to sleep. Jeffery is coming in the morning, and knowing him, it’ll be at an ungodly hour.”

“Autumn.” Jackson groaned next to her.

“Good night.” She tucked the blankets around her.

“What do you want from me?” Jackson raised his voice.

“Nothing,” she yelled back. “Not one fucking thing, Jackson.” She threw the covers back ad grabbed her silk robe. “I want you out of my house tomorrow. And most importantly out of my life. I should have known you didn’t have it in you to give something of yourself to someone else. And I’m an ignorant fool to assume that someone would be me. I hate you, and that is something that will never change.”

She grabbed her pillow and yanked the comforter off the bed. Ten minutes ago, they were cuddling and loving each other. Now, the true colors shined. Jackson wasn’t capable of loving anyone but himself. Sadly, she wasn’t even sure he could love himself.

Deciding to make her bed on the couch, she flipped the television on and found a late-night program to watch. It was well past eleven, and she was bone tired, but sleep evaded her. Why did you have to push him? Why didn’t you leave well enough alone?

“Come back to bed.”

Autumn clicked the volume button twice, turning it up.

“Damn it, what do you want me to do? I thought we were doing fine. We spent a nice evening at the park. We had a nice dinner. We made love. After that, shit hit the fan. Forgive me for being ignorant, but what did I miss?”

“You’ve got to have love to make love.” Autumn clicked the volume up three more times.

Jackson grabbed the remote from her, muted the television, and threw the remote across the room. “I never said I didn’t love you.”

“It’s implied, Jackson. You give me some bullshit speech about your family and how you grew up in misery yet you continue to live in that misery each and every day of your life.” She punched her pillow.

“Just come back to bed.” He ran his hands through his hair. “All this can wait until morning.”

“My mom always said you should never go to bed angry. I’m fuming right now.”

“Don’t make me pick you up and carry you in there.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You wouldn’t dare.”

He came at her. With full brute strength of a man on a mission, he scooped her into his arms, blanket and all. She kicked, though no real effort to get away was made. He held her too tight, kept her close to his body as if she was the most precious thing on earth.

“If you’d stop being the badass for a minute you’d see making love is more fun than fighting.” He threw her in the middle of the bed and followed behind her, pressing his body against hers. “Don’t pick fights with me, Autumn. I’m constantly fighting everything else in this world. Don’t make me fight you, too.”

“So I just ignore it?”

“Ignore what?”

“You said you didn’t trust me!” She pushed at his chest. “You don’t love me. Now you don’t trust me. We’re not really friends. Who are we kidding, Jackson? We are nothing more than fuck buddies.”

He kissed her hard with lots of tongue. Probably just to shut me up, she mused.

“You are not my fuck buddy. And I’m tired of repeating myself,” he said, coming up for air.

“Then what am I, Jackson? We’re not friends because we’ve had sex. We’re not lovers because you don’t trust me. Don’t even think about us having a real relationship because both the sex and trust go hand in hand. What are we?”

“Does everything always have to have a definition?”

She scoffed and pulled away from him. “Just leave me alone.”

Autumn curled up on the side of the bed opposite the one she was used to and hugged her pillow tight. This is what happens when you ask for it.

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