Page 24 of Cleats and Pumps

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Should I just forget all this? I don’t want to be in the closet. I want to feel free.”

“What brought all this on? You told us the other day at Mom and Dad’s that you hadn’t decided what your sexuality was.”

“Coach found out about the drag show. He said the scouts knew about it, too, and he had to cover for me.”

“I don’t think I can answer this for you, brother. I think you gotta do what’s right for you.” We sat in silence again before he asked, “Do you want to play football professionally?”

“Maybe,” I said. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

He chuckled. “You are the most indecisive person I’ve ever met, Amos. You have to decide what you want. Then, if it’s football, you have to figure out if it means enough to put that part of your life aside. Provided you decide you are bi or gay.If you decide you prefer women, then this is all a moot point anyway.”

“What would you do?” I asked.

He chuckled again. “I don’t think hiding in the closet is an option for me. I’m pretty much what I am. You, on the other hand, have options. But let me say this: it only works as long as you don’t lie about your sexuality. No matter how much you love the sport, if you try to be something you aren’t, it’ll eventually destroy you. So, unless you decide you prefer women, you’ll need to keep your cards close to your chest. Keep that in mind as you are thinking about your choices.”

I hung up, knowing he was right. I wasn’t going to become a professional drag queen. I’d have to change a lot of things, including my eating habits, if I wanted to fit into an evening gown. I also needed to practice a hell of a lot more. Part of me loved that idea—the practice part, not the food part. But I did love football.

I loved the camaraderie with my teammates. I loved the hard workouts. I didn’t always love the drills and the repetition day after boring ass day, but I loved to play. I loved to win. Was it worth throwing away who I am? No… no, it wasn’t worth that. If I were ready to accept my sexuality, or if someone had touched my heart, I’d give it up because Josiah was right— being myself was more important than the game, the money, or even the fame.

For now, though, I needed to focus on the game. If I had a chance with the NFL, I should go for it. If I got the offer, then I could decide, but if I didn’t put my nose to the grindstone, there’d be no offer, and the choice wouldn’t be mine to make.

I got to bed before Owen and Tommy showed up. I heard them come in but ignored them, preferring to go back to sleep. The next morning, I called my advisor and asked to meet.

When I sat across from her, she asked what she could do to help. “Um, well, I talked to coach and he said he thought I might get scouted for the NFL… I need to know how to finish my studies early.”

“That’s smart thinking,” she said as she opened my school record and went through the courses I’d finished. “So, you’ll need to make sure to get your core classes done during the semester, when those are offered, and your electives can be done during the summer. I’m sorry, but the only way I can see this happening, is for you to take a full twelve credit hours during the summer terms.”

I didn’t like it—hell, summers were when I liked hanging out doing as little as possible— but I didn’t want to end up being like those guys who got almost done with their degrees then were whisked off by the NFL and never finished their degrees.

Unfortunately, Josiah had been right. I didn’t apply my brain, and that needed to change, so I sat Owen and Tommy down and asked them to help me get serious so I could pull off the heavier class loads and be prepared in case I got pulled into the NFL before school was officially over.

Doing twelve hours during summer school was intense, but Owen and Tommy helped to get me through it. That brought us closer in the end, which was what I needed. I never did well alone, and when I tried to study by myself, I always got distracted.

Not that Tommy wasn’t becoming more distracting. I began to notice things about him that I hadn’t paid attention to before, like how his face lit up when he smiled, or how his eyes crinkled around the edges when he was concentrating.

By the time we were halfway through the summer, I knew I was mostly attracted to men or that I was attracted to my roommate and best friend, Tommy. I’d promised him I wouldn’tcome onto him again, and I was determined to keep that promise.

I’d begun to consider myself pansexual because I figured I had feelings for the person I was with. I’d convinced myself I’d have feelings for Owen if I’d been his roommate. It made sense.

Unfortunately, when Owen, Tommy, and I went back to San Antonio Pridefest, I let my angst screw me up, and destroyed something that meant more to me than anything.

9

Tommy

“Pleaseguys,please,Ineed a break.” Amos begged us to go back with him to San Antonio for Pride again this year.

“Yeah, me too,” Owen said. “I… well, this summer semester shit has been too much.”

Amos had talked Owen and me into going to school with him—surprise, I let myself get talked into something else I didn’t really want to do. It wasn’t like I hated summer school, but I would much rather have been on a beach getting tan and flirting with actual gay men. Before Amos had gotten me to stay, I’d planned on going to Miami and becoming a slut for the summer. I certainly had a lot of slutting around to make up for since, while in school with Amos, I never seemed to want to do anything other than hang out with him or Owen.

“I’m game,” I finally admitted. “But, you’re going to have to buy me all the beer I want,” I said causing the big guy to laugh and side hug me.

After getting to Pride, Owen ended up meeting a guy and hitting it off. They decided to stay at his hotel so it was just Amosand me. I had way too much fun at the party and way too many beers in the beer tent and came back to the hotel room drunk off my ass.

Of course, Amos wasn’t one to allow a party to go on without him, so he met me beer for beer. By the time the cab dropped us off at the hotel, we were both sloshed enough to be giggly and silly.

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