Page 7 of After Midnight

“They don’t have tomatoes in here,” I said, not caring that I sounded petulant.

“Kid, they’ll go get tomatoes just to throw at you if you go on with that set. Now be honest with yourself, do you really think what you’re saying up there is funny?”

“What?” I asked, a little shocked by his directness. I was beyond annoyed now and beginning to get angry.

“I saw you do the late show more than once, and you were funny as hell. What’s changed? Why do you suck so much today?” he asked.

“I’m trying to adapt my material to the older crowd, relate to them more.” It came out sounding more like a whine than I intended and I had to check I wasn’t pouting.

“Well, stop it right now,” he said. “Those so-called jokes don’t even make sense, and they sure as heck aren’t funny. Go back to your old routine.”

I took me a second to figure out if Ashton was just being an ass or genuinely trying to offer advice. He stared at me expectantly, so I figured on the latter.

“But they won’t get it.” Dammit, I truly was pouting now.

“Better they don’t get it than you standing up there spouting off stupid stuff that isn’t even remotely funny. Or worse, pretending to be something you’re not.”

I sighed. “I hate Rodney,” I said under my breath, mentally cursing my ex.

“Oh, so that’s why you’re here,” the older man said, clearly stifling a laugh. “You let Rodney talk you into switching?”

I nodded while Ashton just about bust a gut laughing. Was I missing something?

“How’d he manage to do that?”

I shrugged, not wanting to admit I’d been conned.

“Oh, let me guess. You were dating, weren’t you? And being such a wonderful boyfriend, he suggested trading timeslots to help you expand your audience?”

I nodded, blushing from the shame.

“Trust me, kid, you aren’t the first to fall for that. He dumped you right after you agreed, didn’t he?”

I nodded again. How did he know? Was he some kind of mind reader or had I really been played that badly?

“Figures. That’s how I fell into this time slot myself,” he said, looking both amused and disgusted. “Don’t worry, the owner will kick him back into the seven o’clock slot soon enough. Rodney thinks he’s young and clever, but he bombs the later show every time. In fact, if you want revenge, you should stay and watch his routine. It’s hilarious, but only because he’s painfully bad.”

“You dated Rodney?” I asked, shocked at the revelation Ashton and I had dated—and been conned by—the same guy.

He looked at me funny. “Why do you look surprised. Kid, everyone in this town who dates men has dated Rodney. He isn’t exactly picky.” I couldn’t figure out if that was an insult or not, so I let it pass. “I’ll even let you in on a little secret. Rodney isn’t even his real name. He fancies himself after Rodney Dangerfield, as if.”

“Who’s that?” I asked, drawing a blank.

“Damn, way to make a man feel ancient, kid,” Ashton said on a sigh, running his hand over his face. “Yeah, youdefinitelyneedto stick to your old material. Studying up on some of the greats of stand-up comedy wouldn’t hurt, though.”

I sighed. “I’m still kicking myself for falling for Rodney’s bullshit. If I had a dollar for every idiot I’ve dated, I’d be rich as a king.”

Ashton smiled. “And there’s part of your routine. Tell on him. Tell the audience how you ended up talking to a bunch of parents and grandparents because of him. I guarantee they’ll laugh at your plight. Just be careful not to name any names.”

I chuckled when I realized he’d hit the nail on the head. “Okay, I have plenty to say about that whole situation.”

I was feeling a lot more confident as Ashton gave me a thumbs up and headed toward the back that let out into the parking lot. I ran through my old jokes, fine-tuning some and pausing between punchlines as if the crowd had reacted. It wasn’t hard to imagine. Then I began developing new material on the fly.

Stories about Rodney came pouring out and I talked about how I’d envisioned us being married someday, with me as the stay-at-home husband and him as the sugar daddy. Except Rodney had a bank balance so small, it could only be seen using a microscope, and I couldn’t clean house to save my life. I could talk for days on the subject.

I heard the barman laugh several times as I carried on, his laughter pulling more and more out of me.

Both of us burst out laughing when Rodney walked in to rehearse his set, and I jumped off the stage, leaving it to him.

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