Page 61 of Country Road Romance

Walking through Marshall’s campus, Jared reflected on the person that he had been twenty years earlier. Back then he’d been a nervous young gay just trying to make sense of himself, his place in the world, and his feelings. He’d grown up a lot since then, even if he hadn’t achieved all of his goals and dreams.

There’s still time for that, you know,he reminded himself. It was a familiar refrain, something that he’d been telling himself for years now, so that he wouldn’t get so depressed that he quit functioning altogether. It was becoming less and less convincing with the passing years, though.

He sat down on one of the stone tables that sat outside of the library, and for a split second he almost felt like he was the same student that he’d been all those years ago, when the whole world had seemed so ripe and full of promise. He wasn’t sure whether he felt sad or happy or perhaps some combination of the two.

However, Jared soon found that he was restless and that he didn’t want to stay in one place for very long, and so he moved on, until he was standing in front of the Memorial Fountain, thatstrange but oddly beautiful piece of sculpture that had been built in memory of the football team who’d died in a plane crash in 1970.

Even though he hadn’t even been born yet –not even a twinkle in his parents’ eyes–when the plane crash had happened, he’d always found himself moved by the fountain in all of its austere and strange beauty. The waters weren’t running now, of course, because it was too late in the year, but standing there he found himself thinking about Charlie, about how much the two of them had managed to share in just a weekend.

You would have fallen over yourself trying to get with a guy like that when you were younger,he thought.You would have sold a kidney to get his attention, and when you finally had it…what did you do? You threw it away like it was nothing.

He thought about the way that it had felt to be with Charlie, the way that he’d seemed to see him as a person. And, of course, he thought about the sex which had, in fact, been good. Very, very good.

“You could just go to him and tell him how you feel, you know.” He hadn’t even heard his dad approach, but when he heard his voice he turned around to face him.

Doug would have been well within his rights to be truly furious with his son, but instead Jared saw on his face what he always had: unconditional love and acceptance. He thought of all of the times that he’d tried to talk to his dad and always chickened out, believing that he wouldn’t understand what he was feeling. No matter how much Doug tried to reach out to him, he’d always recoiled. He’d built up an image of what his father was like, and no matter how much reality was different, that was the one that stuck with him.

He sighed. “I’m really sorry, dad,” he said. “You deserved better than me throwing a temper tantrum while we had a guest at your house, particularly after you’d gone out of your way tomake Charlie feel so welcome.” He barked a bitter little laugh. “I guess I can be a bit of a jackass sometimes.”

“Yes, you can,” his father said at once, “but you also have the biggest and most loving heart of anyone I’ve ever met. You just don’t like anyone to see it.”

“I guess that runs in the family,” he said.

“It does,” his dad said. “Your mother makes a good show about being friendly and loving, but she sometimes has a hard time letting people in to see the real her.”

Jared sighed. He hadn’t really counted on having a heart-to-heart with his dad at just this moment but, now that the cat was out of the bag, he supposed there was no point in giving this conversation short-shrift.

“I’m really sorry about that,” he said. “And now I’ve not only managed to damage my relationship with you and mom; I’ve also done the same with Charlie.” He could feel his throat trying to close up, and he knew it was going to be a struggle to get through this whole bit without crying. “Like, he was one of the few guys that I’ve ever known who treated me like a person with real feelings rather than just someone that they could take advantage of, and the first thing I did was try to push him away.” He gestured vaguely in the direction of the theater. “And now I know he’s not that far away, but he might as well be on the other side of the world for all the more good it does me. If I was him I wouldn’t even give me the time of day.”

Doug didn’t say anything for a moment, but Jared could see the wheels of his mind grinding as he worked through that. One thing that he’d always admired about his dad was his deliberate approach to things. He wasn’t the type of person to just rush in and say the first thing that came to mind. He wanted to make absolutely sure of what he meant before he opened his mouth.

I wish I’d inherited that particular character trait.

“If you want my fatherly advice, I would say that if you really like him, that you should go and apologize. I know that it’s not easy to let anyone in, and I know it’s even harder to admit that you’ve done something wrong.” Jared made to say something, but Doug held up a hand to stop him. “I also know that apologies are very hard for anyone, because you’re leaving yourself open to the possibility that someone might not be able or willing to forgive you. If you really like this guy, Jared, you shouldn’t give up on him just because you did something stupid.”

Now it was Jared’s turn to work through all of this.

“I really do like him, and I think in time I could even come to love him,” he said slowly. “But how can I go back and tell him all of this, when I’ve already acted like such an asshole?”

Doug actually laughed a little. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve acted like a total asshole to your mother? Do you know what a jerk I could be when we were young and had first started dating? I don’t think a month went by that I wasn’t putting my foot in it in one way or another. Somehow, though, we found a way to get through it all. We realized that we truly loved each other, and that it was worth making our way through the complicated things that come up when you’re in a relationship with someone.

“Look, there are always going to be difficulties, and only you know your own mind. However, if you want my advice, and it’s going to sound very cliche, you should go to him. At the very least you can tell him how you feel. If you want to know something else that I’ve learned through the years, it’s that you should never not do something because you’re afraid. That’s just going to make you regret not having taken the chance. And regret is something that you do not want to have to live with.”

“You know, dad, you’re actually pretty wise,” he said. “I guess if I have a regret it’s that I didn’t listen to you more often growing up. I probably would have been a lot happier.”

“Well, when you’re a parent you get very used to your kids not paying attention to anything that you have to say. As a rule they only decide to go along with something when they’ve decided that it’s their own idea.”

A comfortable silence settled down for a moment, and then Jared made a decision.

“I’m gonna go to the theater right now,” he said. “Do you want to come?”

He knew his dad was going to say no, but he still felt like he should ask. Indeed, Doug shook his head.

“Nah, son. I gotta get back to your mother. And besides, I think this moment is for you and Charlie, not me.”

They gave each other a hug, then Doug was walking away and Jared was left to make his way back to the theater.

Jared could have driven back to the Keith Albee, but since it wasn’t that far at all he decided to just walk. He needed that last little bit of time with his own thoughts in order to figure out just what it was he was going to say. He knew in the broad strokes how he wanted this to go, but he had no idea whether it was going to end up ending how he wanted or whether, as he feared and suspected, it would blow up in his face, with Charlie telling him that he wanted nothing more to do with him.

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