Page 49 of A Midlife Marriage

Helen: Do you want to call?

Caro: It can wait until tomorrow.

34

Walking intoThe Crown & Thistlefelt to Kay, like walking into an old friend’s house. Still the same display of black and white photos in the far corner, the same plush cushioning on the seats, the same swirly-patterned carpet under her feet. She hadn’t been inside for years, but Goose had been right when he’d said it hadn’t changed. It had always been, and obviously still was, a traditional pub, combining a public space with cosy private nooks: the perfect choice for shy middle-aged strangers meeting for the first time and the stylistic opposite of those cavernous modern bars where hard floors trebled the volume level, and harsh lighting reflected every frown. Instantly she felt less nervous. In a world that she felt she recognised less every day, this was familiar territory. Dressed in comfortable jeans and a loose fitting, floral blouse, (having resisted Helen’s offer of a low-cut t-shirt), Kay felt a flutter of excitement akin to those Friday night feelings of her youth. Helen and Caro were going to a wine bar, directly opposite, and here she was! Out of her house after five in the afternoon. As if her phone could read her mind, it pinged.

Helen: We’re directly opposite. If you sit outside too, we’ll be able to see you.

Frowning,Kay did a swift scan of the bar. Behind the counter, a woman similar in age to herself, tapped a pencil against her lips as she read from an order list. Over by the window, three young men in yellow work shirts talked over pint glasses, arms folded, heads tipping back in laughter. There were two nooks either side of the fireplace, one occupied by a man who had spread a newspaper out, the other empty. Plenty of people to rescue her should Goose turn out to be a serial-killer, or more likely, a bore. She bent her head and typed out her response.

Kay: I’m not sitting outside.

Caro’s replywas almost instant.

Caro: We can’t see you otherwise.

Kay: Good!

‘What can I get you?’

Surprised at the voice, Kay looked up. The woman behind the bar had moved across.

‘Umm …’ Her phone pinged again. This time it was Helen.

Helen: Sit outside. Please! (Caro is driving me mad.)

‘Sorry,’she said. ‘My friends are …’

Caro: No-one does this, Kay! Sit outside.

‘Gosh,’she stammered. ‘I’m sorry about this. They’re only across the square. I’m meeting someone and they’re ….’ And just in time, she found her handbrake. ‘White wine,’ she said. ‘I’ll have a white wine.’

As the woman turned away, she hammered out a response.

Kay: Before smartphones, everyone did this! Blind Date. Remember?

Helen: If you sit outside, we’ll see when you want to leave.

Kay: No.

Caro: It’s too risky, Kay.

Too risky.Standing with her phone in her hands, the memory flooded back. Last year, in Vegas when she had had a statistically probable chance of winning five thousand dollars, she hadn’t taken it. She had allowed herself to fall into the trap oftoo risky,bottled it and fled from the blackjack table like a hunted animal. It was a memory that came wrapped in layers of tender regret, and as she readied herself to respond, Kay paused. She’d never really spoken about that Vegas moment to either Helen, or Caro. She hadn’t told them how it haunted her: the marrow-deep understanding of discovering that she really was the person she had always suspected herself to be, timid, contained, ordinary. Life is a risk, she murmured, shaping the words as she typed them.

Life is a risk. I’m fine. Stop messaging or I’ll put my phone on silent!

She droppedher phone back in her bag, paid for her drink and settled herself in the empty fireside nook. She was done withtoo risky,done withcontainedand done withordinary.Or if she wasn’t, she really wanted to be. She wasn’t the same woman of a year ago. She’d used a vibrator now! More than once. And she owned a leopard-print bikini, that just about fitted! And yes, it was scary, coming out like this to meet a stranger, but what was the worst that could happen? That he took one look at her and ran in the opposite direction? At least she wasn’t at home, in her dressing gown, eating chocolate digestives, watching Netflix. She took a sip of wine, smoothed back her hair and waited, slightly nervous, slightly excited, emboldened from the inside out. Across at the window, the men in the work shirts were playing some sort of game that involved beer mats. It didn’tmake much sense to Kay, revolving as it did around the way the mat landed after it had been spun, but it was keeping them amused. Their laughter was contagious, and as she watched, she found herself more and more engaged as she too tried to guess the outcome.

‘Hello, KB.’

The voice came from nowhere, and at the sound of it a jangle of emotion surged through Kay. It sounded in her ears as a loud buzz, showed on her arms as a rash of tingling goosebumps. She was both stunned and shocked, fleetingly annoyed and disproportionally amused, and for a long moment she sat soaked in the awareness of the universe suddenly making sense.Of course it was … It had to be …She’d only ever met one man who had been so effortlessly on her wavelength, so consistent in his ability to make her laugh. ‘Martin,’ she whispered and looked up to see her ex-husband.

35

Caro stood with her hand at her eyes, straining to see across a square crowded with people out to enjoy the warm evening. ‘She’s definitely not outside,’ she said.

‘I can’t say I blame her,’ Helen muttered, and closing her eyes she leaned back to lift her face to the sun. The patio they sat on was a mix of brightly painted tables and mismatched chairs. It had an outdoor bar and an unlit chimenea. Strings of fairy lights had been strung along the wrought-iron fencing and above each table a soft white lantern glowed. A distinctly youthful vibe, she was thinking, for the distinctly youthful crowd that surrounded them. Caro and her had to be the oldest customers by at least a decade. ‘Did you see anyone likely going in?’ she murmured, mostly to play along with Caro. Kay would be fine. It was Caro that she was concerned about. She was as jumpy as a frog.

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