Page 14 of A Midlife Marriage

‘Actually, it’s more than sad.’ Helen shook her head. ‘It’s outrageous, and no-one seems to care. You know, you’re the first person since I got back, who has even asked how my trip was. Cake apparently is far more interesting than global warming! Cake ––’ As abruptly as she had started, she stopped. ‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured. ‘I shouldn’t have said that I …’ But her voice drifted off and her hands were clumsy as she put her cup down and bought them together under her chin. She felt oddly exposed in front of this young woman, who was also her senior. She shouldn’t have spoken like that. She should have politely refused the offer of coffee and just gone home, put it all behind her, Daisy’s callous incompetence, the man’s terrified eyes, that leaden lump of cake.

‘Helen?’ Dr Ross put her hand on Helen’s arm. ‘Are you OK?’

No. Lips pressed tight together, hand at her mouth, Helen shook her head.She did not feel OK.The strangeness of earlier, that feeling of having stepped into someone else’s life had not diminished. What was she doing here? Where else should she be? Caro and Kay were taking huge steps forward, while she – it couldn’t be denied – was taking a giant step back.

‘Is it difficult?’ Dr Ross said. ‘Coming back?’

‘More than I imagined.’ Helen gave a short harsh laugh. ‘Ironically, just as I’m returning, one of my best friends is retiring.’

‘I see.’ Dr Ross nodded. ‘Are you thinking you’d like to?’

‘God no!’ she said. The question was like a poker, prodding her upright. ‘If anything, I’m feeling the exact opposite. I feellike I haven’t even started.’ And as she looked at Dr Ross, Helen’ssmile was small, almost apologetic. ‘I never meant to be here longer than twelve months.’

Dr Ross smiled back. ‘I understand. Perhaps it’s time to move on?’

‘I’d like to.’ Helen sighed. ‘But at my age? Who’s going to take a fifty-two-year-old woman with an unfinished PhD in Medieval History and limited technology skills?’ As she finished talking, she looked up and across the courtyard. She’d never said that before, never nailed down what had been a jelly-like worry for years. She would, very much, like to move on; she just didn’t know how. She hadn’t known how when Libby had started sixth form and then left for university, and she was none the wiser now Jack too was gone. And, judging by the silence, Dr Ross couldn’t point her in the right direction either. She lifted her chin to the sun and closed her eyes again. She felt wholly lost. The world had changed, and the window of time in which she might have had a career, might have put to good use her education and hard-earned knowledge, had long since closed. Heading towards her mid-fifties, and without the financial cushion now to re-train, it was a supermarket till, or the health-centre.

‘You’re asking the wrong question, Helen.’

Helen opened her eyes.

‘You should,’ Dr Ross said, ‘be asking who is going to snap up a smart woman with no familial responsibilities and a decade’s worth of experience in primary healthcare – which, by the way, shows itself clearly in emergency situations, as we have both just witnessed. And…’ Dr Ross raised a hand. ‘Before you give your response, it’s a question I think I can answer. I have a friend working in primary health care. In Bolivia.’

‘Bolivia!’ Helen laughed. ‘Bolivia?’

Dr Ross nodded. ‘The NGO he works for has just been awarded a grant to open two more clinics. They’re actively looking for admin staff.’

Helen shook her head. ‘It’s nice of you,’ she started. ‘But … well … I mean, first off, I don’t speak Spanish.’

Now it was Dr Ross’s turn to laugh. ‘You wouldn’t need to,’ she said. ‘Right now, Christian just needs someone experienced and capable to get things up and running. Local staff would take over later.’

‘No.’ And again Helen shook her head. ‘I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that.’

‘I think you could.’ Dr Ross held her eye. ‘I didn’t need to see what I’ve just seen to know how capable you are.’

‘I’m too o …’ She pressed her lips together, before the sound could escapeold. I’m too old.

‘It would involve much of the same work you do here, Helen.’

‘It would?’

Dr Ross nodded. ‘Record-keeping. Helping prioritise patients. Running clinics, vaccination programmes. Doctors really depend on good admin staff andyou, Helen, are very good at what you do.’

Helen didn’t speak.

‘I think you would find it very rewarding.’

Still, she didn’t speak.

‘Would you like me to make an introduction?’ Dr Ross smiled. ‘I know Christian very well, we were at medical school together.

Stretching her legs out, Helen looked down at her cup. ‘My son still has a year left at university,’ she said. ‘And my daughter, Libby, well you know she has a young child.’

‘It would just be an introduction, Helen. It might give you an idea of what your options are.’

Helen nodded. A minute ago, her options had seemed bleak. Not that she could take a job in Bolivia. Jack was still at university. Ben was …

‘So that’s a yes then.’

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