Page 33 of A Midlife Marriage

‘Not that,’ Helen said, as Caro held up herHead-Smashed-In-Buffalo-Jumpt-shirt.

‘I like it,’ Kay said.

‘I agree. It’s a better design than theFor Fox Sake, Stop the Hunting...’Caro laughed.

‘But they did, in the end, didn’t they?’ Kay said. ‘They did stop the hunting.’

‘I was never in any doubt.’ Helen nodded.

Kay smiled. ‘We were pretty sure of ourselves back then, weren’t we?’

‘It’s easy to be sure,’ Caro said, ‘when you haven’t been tested.’

No-one spoke. No-one needed to. They knew each other’s sadnesses as well as their own, the ways in which life had failed them, the ways in which they had failed themselves. And they knew now, what they could never have then. How life was a book that started easy but only became more difficult. Each chapter more challenging than the one before, as all that was once solid, family, beliefs, opportunity, thinned to air.

‘This,’ Helen said quietly, ‘is supposed to be a party.’

‘Two, actually,’ Caro said.

‘That’s three parties in a week.’ Kay smiled. ‘More than I’ve been to in a decade.’

‘Music?’ Helen put her glass down.

‘Music,’ Caro agreed.

‘Music,’ Kay echoed.

So,the music went on.

And on …

And on …

And hours later, with the sofa drowned in clothing, a mascara wand in the chicken korma, Helen crashed out in her bed and Caro in the spare room, Kay answered the intercom to the taxi she had called. ‘Not bad,’ she said as settled herself in thebackseat and opened her newly installed Tinder app. There she was. With a profile picture that showed a handsome, confident woman, skin flushed with the warmth of a July evening, features softened by humour and champagne.

23

In the end it was easy.

In the end all she had to do, was open her phone and send the text.

This is me and I’m in town for today only.

And then another to Tomasz.

Matt called. Crisis with the offering. He’s asked if I can come in. It’s lucky I was here. I should make it back, but I’ll be late. I’ll order a taxi. Don’t wait up.

She didn’t stopto ask why she was doing what she was doing. And even if she had, she wouldn’t have been able to say. Wouldn’t have been able to explain how it didn’t matter that she wasn’t in competition with Helen anymore, because she was, and always would be, in competition with herself. Perhaps shehad thought it was over? Felt the distance was run? ‘Beautiful,’ the bridal assistant had said and for the first time in her life, Caro had looked in the mirror and believed that too. And surely it was then that peace could have been made? A truce between the awkward child she had been, and the woman she was now. ‘There’s a glow about you,’Kay had said. ‘An aura.’ The glow of a woman loved. The aura of a woman who – at last – was comfortable in her skin, confidence and pheromones oozing because she was, finally, beautiful.

Like Helen had been when they first met. Helen, who had blown Caro away with her easy confidence and natural beauty. Who had turned every head when she walked into a room. Who could and did have her pick, had her fun, in this one and only life.

All this, unexamined and unthought, stoked the engine that had Caro taking a taxi from Helen’s flat to her own, where she showered and changed and was, within another hour, walking onto the terrace of the Langmere Riverside Hotel where shiny beautiful people, with good skin and deep pockets were enjoying the sunshine. A world in which for the first time in her life she truly felt she belonged.

And who would not want to test that? Who would not, just once, want to turn heads? Bask in the sunny uplands they had long coveted? Which was all she was doing. That’s why she was here, to do a little sunbathing, to test the water after all, dip a toe and nothing more. Drinks with a handsome man, on a sun-dappled terrace, by a river that had seen so much worse.

Spencer was waitingby the bar wearing that enigmatic smile and an exquisitely cut shirt. Watching every step she took.

‘Can I get you a drink?’ he said and looked at a watch worth upwards of thirty thousand pounds. ‘Although it is a little early.’

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