Page 5 of A Midlife Gamble

The sound of feet on stairs, of Libby’s voice, of Caro’s chair scraping the stone floor as she stood, all of this silenced Helen. She turned first to the hallway, then back to Caro.

‘I’ll go,’ Caro said.

‘No.’ That wasn’t what she wanted! She pushed her own chair back, rose to her feet.

‘Mum?’ And then Libby was in the doorway, holding Ben, staring at Caro. ‘Hello, Caro,’ she said, almost shy. ‘It’s… it’s nice to see you.’

‘Hello, Libby,’ Caro managed. ‘It’s… it’s nice to see you too.’

And turning to look at Caro, Helen burst into tears. If she had appeared diminished on the doorstep, she was almost vanished now. Swaying in the brutally gentle force of this most difficult of meetings, she was a reed, her face hollowed and pale.

‘Caro.’ Helen put her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh, Caro.’ She moved across and threw her arms around Caro’s shoulders. ‘It’s ok,’ she sobbed, a geyser of emotion releasing. That Caro should be reduced to a ghost in a house that had once been a refuge was unbearable. That Kay was dying was unbearable. That life had pushed them so far apart, Kay had been unable to confide in them was unbearable. If they didn’t have each other, who did they have? No one. That was who.No one.Squeezing Caro tighter, she felt the embrace returned and heard the small hiccup of sobs, regular and restrained, as Caro too wept.

Libby stood in the doorway.

‘Are you ok?’ Helen mouthed, over Caro’s shoulder.

‘Yes,’ Libby mouthed back. ‘What’s happening?’

‘Kay has cancer,’ Helen whispered and watched as her daughter’s face drained.

‘Cancer?’ Libby’s eyes filled with tears. ‘What about Alex?’

‘I don’t know,’ Helen said. She pulled back from Caro. ‘I don’t know.’

‘She’s telling him today,’ Caro said quietly.

‘Oh God.’ Closing her eyes, Helen took a deep breath. Alex. Her godson. Kay’s entire world. By the time she opened her eyes again Caro had moved away, her hand pushing deep into her pocket, pulling out car keys.

‘Sit down. I’ll make tea.’

‘No, no.’ Caro’s brow knitted. She turned to look at the table, as if she’d left something there. ‘I’ll go… I should go.’

‘Please stay.’

Helen turned.

‘Mum has missed you,’ Libby continued, looking directly at Helen. ‘Haven’t you, mum?’

And flushing, Helen brought her hand to her forehead to rub it. She felt dizzy with emotion. That Libby had noticed… was capable of such a breadth of compassion, there was no room left for pride. ‘I have,’ she managed. ‘I’ve really missed you, Caro.’

‘Me too,’ Caro whispered. ‘And I’m—’

Helen nodded. ‘Me too. I’m sorry too.’

No one spoke. In the doorway, safe in his mother’s arms, Ben gurgled.

Helen looked at him. How beautiful he was, and Libby too. This new generation. Blinking back a thousand tears, she turned to Caro. ‘Tea then?’

‘I…’ Caro’s head bobbed in confusion. 'I …Yes. Tea.’ And very slowly, she lowered herself back into her chair.

As Helen moved across to put the kettle on, Libby looked down at Ben and took hold of his fingers. ‘I’ll take Ben to Messy Play,’ she said. She was still in the doorway.

‘You can’t!’ Helen had the kettle in her hand. ‘You can’t, Libby.’

‘Why not?’

‘Your exam?’

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