Page 52 of A Midlife Gamble

‘I hope I’m not speaking out of turn…’ she began.

‘Speak away,’ Tony said as he turned briefly and smiled, a frankness softening his eyes.

‘Is everything ok? I mean, I know it’s not.’ She waited. Tony didn’t speak. ‘Is Marianne ok?’ she added. The look Marianne had given her on the way out of the ranch house rose up now, clear as it had been then. Loosening her seatbelt, she turned to face Tony.

‘Marianne,’ Tony said, ‘is disappointed.’

Kay didn’t speak.

‘In me.’

‘Oh.’

‘She thought…’ Tony began. He lifted a hand from the steering wheel, held it aimlessly for a moment and then dropped it back down. ‘Truth be told, Kay, I’m disappointed in myself, but what can you do? The older I get, the more I tend to think it’s a natural part of ageing.’

‘To be disappointed?’

He shrugged.

Kay turned away. He meant what he said, that was clear, and although she didn’t know why, she felt a tremendous sympathy for him. Here he was, a successful man, living the life he pleased and still, under the surface, he was as full of worries and sad regrets, it seemed, as everyone else. As herself. ‘You’ve had such a successful career though,’ she said.

‘Acting?’ Tony glanced at her. ‘Pretending to be someone else all my life?’

‘I couldn’t do it.’

‘You could,’ Tony said. ‘It’s easy.’ He shook his head. ‘Maybe too easy.’

‘Why do you say that?’

Tony smiled. ‘If you’re uncomfortable doing something, pretending to be someone else makes it more comfortable. Which isn’t good in real life. Gets you into all sorts of trouble in real life. Anyway!’ He tapped the steering wheel with the heel of his hand. ‘I don’t know why we’re talking about this. You’d never need to pretend. I’ve never seen someone so comfortable in their skin.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ Kay said quietly.

Tony cleared his throat, but he didn’t speak.

‘Maybe Marianne has told you,’ she started, and when he didn’t say anything, she took a deep breath and continued. ‘I have melanoma. It’s spread and so they’ve told me it’s incurable. I’m on a huge cocktail of drugs and no one knows how long or how well they’ll work. Borrowed time I suppose.’

The stillness in Tony’s face as he turned to look at her did not surprise Kay. In this new world she inhabited, she had become accustomed to the reaction that followed, whenever she told people, which she rarely did. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I’m really sorry to hear that.’

Kay looked down at her hands. ‘So, as you can see,’ she finished. ‘I wouldn’t mind pretending to be someone else, for a while.’

Tony nodded.

‘And thank you!’ Kay said suddenly. She was thinking about earlier, when she’d sat on the porch and lost herself in the expanse of scenery, and later around the campfire the millions of stars above. She would always remember that. Always.

Tony frowned.

‘For bringing us out here, Tony. I didn’t even realise all this was so close.’

‘You didn’t? Where did you think Vegas was?'

And now Kay laughed. ‘If I tell you why we came, you’ll laugh.’

Tony was smiling now. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I think you should tell me. I think we both need to laugh, don’t you?’

‘Yes, definitely.’ She shook her head as if she was looking at something distant, but fondly remembered. ‘I have this jacket.’

‘A jacket?’

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