Page 10 of A Midlife Gamble

‘Versace jeans,’ Helen murmured. ‘I wouldn’t mind a pair myself.’

‘George Might-Be?’ Caro peered at Kay’s phone. ‘If that’s meant to be George Michael, she’s a little late.’

Turning the screen to re-read, Kay laughed. ‘No, she means George Might-Be. Her husband had already made her write a similar list a while back, and she couldn’t think of anything to put on it, so to keep him quiet, she put George Michael. He went straight off and found an Eighties Weekend, Butlins, I think, with a look-alike. George Might-Be!’

‘Great name.’ Helen smiled. ‘He sounds like a good man,’ she added, a little wistfully. ‘The husband.’

‘Yes, he does.’

‘And the workshop sounds as if it was… fun? Is that the right word?’

Kay smiled. She’d been persuaded into the workshop by her doctor. It had been in a pleasant room of the hospital she now visited every three weeks for immunotherapy infusion. The chairs were big and padded, in cheery greens and orange, and across one wall, in a mosaic of bright colours, a mural had spelled outPlease Believe.A far too young woman by the name of Jennie had been the leader. She’d come complete with a stylish dress that confirmed her efficiency, and a portable easel, upon which she’d written in painstakingly slow handwriting the title of the session.A List to Live For!By the time she’d gotten to the exclamation mark, Kay had switched off. APlease Believemural?How much had that cost? She was a middle-aged woman, facing a terminal diagnosis, not an animated cartoon in a Disney movie. If she hadn’t turned and seen the nearly completed list of the woman next to her, she would have made her excuses…Not feeling up to it…Not for me… and left. But shehadturned, and before she’d been able to stop herself had read a list that had struck her as one definitely worth living for.Be blonde?Why not?They're supposed to have more fun,Sammy had winked. Why not indeed. It was an idea she’d contemplated herself. Hadn’t every woman? Still, Sammy’s speed in completing her list hadn’t helped Kay get past number one with her own.

1. Make sure Alex is ok.

It was all she could think of. Nothing else mattered and ideas of how to raise money, earn more money, consumed her night and day… Along with the more deeply wounding, slower burn of, why hadn’t she saved? Been better prepared? More pro-active about the future… Or more to the point, why had she assumed there would be a future? She put her phone on the table. ‘It was interesting,’ she said quietly. ‘I understood how Sammy felt.’

‘About George Michael?’ Caro’s eyebrows arched. ‘I thought you were always more into The Specials.’

‘About not knowing what to put on the list.’ Kay shrugged. ‘I couldn’t think of anything either.’

Caro nodded. She leaned back, nursing her coffee cup in her hands, an inscrutable expression on her face. Beside her, Helen looked equally distant.

Picking up her cup, Kay too leaned back in her seat. On the far side of the coffee shop, two women had caught her eye. They were of a similar age, engaged in an animated conversation, their gestures uninhibited, their laughter arriving often and easily, in a way, Kay knew, that had been lost between herself, and Helen and Caro. She understood why and it saddened her. Six months since her diagnosis, and despite the fact that her treatment was going as well as anyone could have expected, still the cancer shadowed everything. Once a month she visited the hospital for immunotherapy treatment, which was a bit like giving blood. Cold, but she got a blanket and a cup of tea and a nice chat with the nurses. Of course, even a partially responsive result to the treatment she was on did not mean she was cured and did not mean she would live the length of time that, until a few months ago, she had fully expected to, but, she felt great! Really quite well. And ironically, because she was still on sick leave from teaching, she had more time on her hands than she could ever remember. Long morning walks and lazy relaxed afternoons in front ofReal Housewiveshad benefits. If someone could have come along and waved a magic wand to produce the kind of nest-egg that would leave Alex not rich, but comfortable, she would, she thought, have more peace of mind than she’d had in years.

But even Caro, with all her financial acumen, couldn’t conjure up a miracle. The one and only time they had met to discuss starting a fund for Alex had left them both flat. She didn’t have anything to invest, her pension wasn’t transferrable, Alex wasn’t considered a dependent and it had become very clear, very quickly, that with the time she might have left, she wasn’t going to be able to do much at all.Even five thousand?Caro had asked.I know a young man who can probably double that within a year, and then you’ll be off the starting blocks.But she didn’t have it and Caro’s assurance, that she wasn’t to worry, that she would personally look after Alex, well meant as it was, missed the target. He was her son, and the need to make sure he was provided for wasn’t something she would ever be able to switch off, or pass on.

Shadows. It was a beautiful spring morning, the kind of day when hope is bountiful and seemingly achievable. ‘So,’ she said resolutely cheerful. This was the first time they’d all seen each other since her operation. Radiotherapy had proved exhausting, and Caro had been mostly down in Salisbury visiting her mother, who had passed away last month… Shadows again. Her smile was as small as it was wry. Weren’t they supposed to be shortest at noon? Try telling that to a group of midlife women. ‘So, what would you two put on your list to live for?’ she said, a very conscious desire to let in light steering her thoughts.

‘Me?’ Helen startled.

‘Or, Caro.’ Kay shrugged. Now that it was out, the idea grew legs, was already warming up, she could see it in the way the two of them sat thinking.

‘Umm, I don’t know,’ Helen started. She glanced at Caro. ‘I can’t think of anything, can you?’

Caro frowned.

And then Helen frowned and the two of them sat for so long, with such pained expressions on their faces, that Kay tipped her head back and laughed.

‘What?’ Caro said, half-smiling. ‘What’s so funny?’

‘You two, between the two of you, you can’t think of a single thing to live for!’

‘It’s hard,’ Helen said.

Kay nodded. ‘I told you so. Swim with dolphins?’

‘I don’t like getting my hair wet,’ Caro muttered.

‘See the Northern Lights?’

‘Freezing,’ Helen said. Then, ‘Let’s go around the table! At least one thing each. No, two! We all have to think of two things.’

Kay let out a long breath. ‘Well one is easy for me. But two?’

‘What’s number one?’ Caro asked.

Kay looked at her. ‘Make sure Alex is ok,’ she said simply.

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