Page 90 of Avenging Devil: Part 1

“You’d have said no if I asked you.” Christ, I can’t believe the words that come out of my mouth. I should be conciliatory, but each of my utterances seems designed to make matters worse.

Her eyes widen and fill with horror. “You’ve already done this? Claimed me? Voted me in?”

I grimace. “The prez and VP know.” I don’t add it was their suggestion. Knowing it hadn’t been my proposal and I’d been virtually forced into it would hardly have helped.

She stomps her foot. “Well, apart from a vote which I presume you’d have, that makes it official doesn’t it?” Now her face has colour in it. I wish that it didn’t as her cheeks blaze red. “What happens next? You want my name tattooed on your body? Yours on mine? Well, if you do, you’ll have to cover up Duke’s name first. You want to fuck me to seal the deal? Well, I’ve got news for you, asshole, you’d have to force me into your bed.”

Her cheeks are puffing out and receding as she draws breath after angry breath. As I go to speak, she holds up her hand. “I’ve had it up to here,” she raises her hand to her chin, “of people making decisions for me. Of not having a choice. I thought you were a good man, Niran, but here you are, acting just like Duke. All I know is I never want to be an old lady again, not even a wife. I belong to myself, and no one else.”

My teeth grind together. “It works both ways, Saffie. You agree to be mine, then I’m yours, and that includes everything I bring along with me, including my Devil brothers. Think before saying no. I can’t see you’re in any position to refuse.”

“We barely know each other. And you’ve given no sign of being attracted to me. Are you that shallow?” Her eyes widen. “Perhaps things are different in the Crazy Wolves MC. There, men take having an old lady seriously. Do the Devils take them and swap them like a dirty pair of underwear? Doesn’t that title mean anything to you?”

“It means the world to us,” I protest, realising if that’s true, I’m jumping in with both feet. I’m telling her I’m viewing this as a permanent arrangement.

She’s not stupid. She challenges my declaration. “You really want me? Want me in your life? Want me riding behind you, and in your bed every night? You really want that, Niran?”

“I want you to be safe!” My shout rings in the air and my fingers curl into my fists. That’s all I want. The other stuff? Nah, how can I say whether I want that or not? I don’t really know her, what she likes or dislikes, whether we’re compatible in bed or out of it. When the thought of taking an old lady crossed my mind, it would have been me heading into it with every pertinent i dotted and t crossed.

Dart and Lost had forced the situation upon me, and I’d agreed only so she had protection. I hadn’t thought anything further than that.But I hadn’t put up much of a fight about it.

“Saffie.” I calm my tone. “Look at it as a pretend situation. I call you my ol’ lady, and you’ll have the Devils at your back.”

Her head drops again, she takes a few breaths, then she looks up. “You’re not thinking straight, Niran. Your brothers won’t have your back for a fake relationship, nor offer their support to me. And you wouldn’t ask it of them. And even if you ask me to play the part, I’m in no place where I can do that.” Her hands wrap around her empty belly. “I don’t even want to think about having another man in my life.”

She doesn’t want me.That hurts more than it should.

“Staying alive is important, Saffie.” I don’t want her dead but have to acknowledge the points she’s made. How could I ask my brothers for support if this was all a lie? I’d be asking my brothers to risk their lives for someone with no connection to the MC. Unless this has at least a chance of becoming real, there’s no point in starting the pretence.

I gaze at her standing there, weighed down by her fear and her grief, undernourished and a shadow of the woman I expect she could be. Would tying her down be unfair?

I can’t pile more problems on a woman who’s carrying a weight no one should be asked to bear. Not only trying to come to terms with the loss of her child, but her past. Whether the Devils are different or not, how would she ever be happy associated with another MC? Even if I were in the position to declare undying love for her, it would be too much to ask.

I start to pace, one side of the room to the other, then back. My hands brush over my head, then do it again.

Damn it. How can I do this to her? I should step back, let her leave, go somewhere that I could never find. Let the tech guys burn all trace of her, let her leave me behind.

But I feel such a pull toward her. The thought of her disappearing and me never seeing her again, never knowing if Duke’s caught up with her, how could I live with that on my mind?

But how could I trap her in a relationship neither of us wants?

Damn being fair, that’s the last thing on my mind. I want this broken but strong woman in my life. Being there, at my back and my side, and one day, when the time’s right, it would be no hardship to take her into my bed. Stopping my pacing, I take a step toward her, not too close, but enough so she can read the sincerity in my face.

“Saffie. Say you’ll be my ol’ lady. Stay with me. Accept the protection of my club. Anything more than that, we’ll take one step at a time.” When she gives a sharp dismissive shake of her head, I continue before she can stop me. “I want you, Saffie. I want to protect you. I want you on the back of my bike and to be part of my life.”

“You don’t know me.” Her eyes close briefly, then reopen again. “You’ve only seen me at my worst, maybe you won’t like my best.”

“Hell, Saffie. Don’t you think seeing you cope with the shit in your life gives me some sense of your measure? Don’t you see how fuckin’ strong and capable you are, just to be still standing on both legs after all you’ve been through?”

“You love me?” she challenges.

My mouth snaps shut. How could I know? It’s far too early. Like, respect, but love? How do I even know what that emotion feels like?

She snorts. “Even Duke could lie when it came to that.”

“I’ll never lie to you, Saffie. I like you, one hell of a lot. I think there’s a basis for something to grow on.”

Her hand rises as if it’s going to touch my face, but never makes contact. “I don’t love you, Niran. I like you as a friend. I’ve been burned so badly, I don’t know if I’ll ever want another man again, and certainly not to be his property. Even if I did,” her hand drops to her flat stomach, “now’s certainly not the right time.” She grimaces. “I can’t make you any promises or give you false hope, not when I feel dead inside.”

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