Page 55 of Avenging Devil: Part 1

He turns his hand over, now his is trapping mine. “For as long as you want me to. It ain’t no hardship, darlin’.”

He’s crazy. He’s got a life of his own and a sister who needs him. “And if that’s forever?” I challenge.

“Then I’ll be here,” he says firmly.

I shake my head. “That’s not friendship, Niran, that’s a relationship. And I’m far from ready for that yet. Maybe I’ll never be.” And certainly never with a biker.

“Why label it, Saffie? Who the fuck knows what’s between us and who cares? You may not believe me, but I get something from helping you. I get a sense of worth.”

“What about getting that helping your sister?”

He moves his hand, using it to wipe down his face instead. “She doesn’t need me like you do.”

I do need him. But. “I feel I need to wean myself off you.” When he looks at me, perplexed, I try to put my unformed thoughts into words. “At some point, you’ll want a woman in your life. I doubt you’ve signed up to be a monk. I can’t see a point in the future when I never want sex again.”

“I can control my urges. And, babe, there’s nothing wrong with my hand.”

I stare at him sadly. “I’ve changed, Niran. I don’t even know who I am. First, I was a woman who thought she knew what she wanted, then…” I can’t go there, so finish more lamely, “I saw myself as a mother, and that was taken from me. I can’t imagine what it’s like to feel aroused, to want someone for more than comfort.” I don’t tell him it’s not just the loss of the baby, but it’s down to all those years I spent with Duke. “I can’t keep you hanging around, waiting for something that might not happen.”

“Maybe I don’t want you for sex,” he throws at me. I raise an eyebrow at him. He gives a self-deprecating grin and shrugs. “I like you, Saffie. But if I ever want a woman in my bed, maybe it won’t be you, and we’ll stay friends.”

That thought hurts me. I might not want all of him in that way, but I’d be jealous of another woman. I want him, even though I’ll never be able to give him that.

As I feel the green flame burn inside me, I know I can’t hold on to him, letting him wait for what I’ll never be able to give. A good man like him deserves happiness, and a willing woman in his bed.

Standing, wrapping my arms around myself, I decide there’s nothing for it now but the truth. “Even if I did want you like that, Niran, it wouldn’t work.” Taking a deep breath, I know I’ve got to tell him everything, or at least as much as I’m prepared to say. “I was raped by a biker.”

“Duke,” he states, his mouth twisting in distaste, showing there’s nothing wrong with his memory. “Where is the fucker, Saffie? What club does he ride with? I’m going to fuckin’ dismember him with my bare hands.”

It’s the most bikerish expression I’ve ever heard from him, and I’m not surprised, but I’ve got to stamp that down. “He’s not important.” I brush his statement away, not wanting to give him the information that I know he’s going to request. The Crazy Wolves would kill him before he got close. While vengeance would taste good, it can’t be at the cost of my only friend. I have to offer another explanation. “Because of what happened, I freak at the sight of a cut, at the sound of a motorbike or when I see bikers passing. I’ll never get over that, and I can’t string you along that I might.”

“Saffie, tell me about him.” he starts with a growl, his mind still clearly on Duke.

I hold up my hand. “It happened, Niran. Killing him won’t sort anything. It won’t make me feel better. Please, it’s not about him, it’s about you and me. Continuing this would be wrong. My fears are too deep seated. Unless you gave up being a biker—”

“I can’t do that.” The admission’s wrenched from him. His soulful eyes full of emotion show me how much being a biker means to him. “I don’t know what club Duke was associated with, nor anything about them. All I know is the club I belong to. Saffie, I was a Marine, then I wasn’t anymore. I had nowhere to go, a family who wouldn’t have welcomed me. All my friends were Marines like myself, and hell, I felt jealous of them still being able to do what I couldn’t anymore. I was floundering in civilian life when I met the Devils. They fuckin’ saved me, Saffie. Fuck knows where I’d be now if I didn’t have them.”

“Perhaps they’re a crutch you no longer need.”

He goes quiet, and I can see him thinking seriously. “I work at the shop that we own, Saffie. Which means I’m like my own boss. How could I exist as a civilian? I tried that, and it didn’t work. More than that, the Devils are my family. I can’t leave them.”

“Not even if you find a woman you love?”

His jaw clenches and he takes a while to respond. “I don’t think I could. Leaving the club would destroy me. I wouldn’t be the man she fell in love with.”

There we have it. I couldn’t be with a biker, and he can’t be anything but.

“Your telling me this makes me feel it’s right that we should call a halt to whatever this is now.”

His eyes narrow and he vigorously shakes his head. “You can’t fool me, Saffie. You need me. Or at least, someone to lean on. And I’m the only person you have.”

“Maybe it’s me using you as my crutch.” I shrug and wipe an errant tear away. “Niran, I appreciate all that you’ve done for me, but only I can fix myself. While I may never come to terms with what I’ve done, I’ve got to forge a new persona for myself. I came to San Diego to make a fresh start for me and my baby. But now…” I place my hands over my empty stomach and try to summon the strength to go on. “Now, he’s not there anymore, and I have to start living for me. If you stay around, propping me up, I’ll never know what I might achieve.”

“Is me staying extending your misery?”

I think about his words, and partly agree. “It means I’m not having to deal with the pain and perhaps delaying my moving on.”

He’s quiet, thoughtful. Then at last, he speaks. “Maybe I’ve been selfish. As Kink would say, I’m fulfilling my own need. My desire to be helpful. I might have been wrong or too damn arrogant thinking this was something I could fix.” When he glances at me, I can’t tell him he’s mistaken. “Me being a biker is the final nail in the coffin, isn’t it?”

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