Page 31 of To Hell With It

‘Well…’ I tried to imagine my breath like a balloon, (another of Mairéad’s tips – she said people didn’t breathe properly and only used a fraction of their lungs, which fascinated me because how big were our lungs?). ‘Remember when I did that praying thing, the first night you stayed after the pub?’ I winced inside; my tummy was tight.

‘The full-blown Lord’s Prayer? Fuck, yeah that was a head spinner! What about it?’ Jack said. ‘You’re not religious, are you?’

‘Um, no, no, not religious,’ I stuttered, although I wished in that moment that I was religious because it would have been a lot easier to explain.

‘Thank God. My last girlfriend used to want me to go to church with her.’ He shook his head.

Girlfriend.The word danced around my head and made me feel drunk again. Is that what I am? Is that what he wants me to be? Why would he say it if he didn’t want that?

‘Proper Bible basher.’ Jack laughed.

‘Ha.’ I laughed awkwardly back.

‘What were you doing then?’ he asked.

‘Well, it’s what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.’ I drew another short breath. ‘I have OCD.’ I said it quickly so that I couldn’t stop myself.

Jack looked indifferent and I breathed out a loud sigh.

‘Isn’t that checking light switches and stuff?’

‘Yes, it’s a bit more than that, though,’ I said cautiously.

‘Like what? Christ you’re not going to tell me you’ve been sectioned, are you?’

‘Ha, no.’ I laughed again. ‘Never been sectioned. I’m not that bad.’ I lied because let’s face it, I probably have been that bad. ‘It’s more like things I have to do – like the drunk praying thing,’ I added casually, like it was no big deal and the most normal thing in the world to do.

‘So, you only do it when you’re drunk?’

‘Sort of, yes,’ I agreed even though it was a lie.

‘So, you’re a nutter by night and normal by day?’ he chuckled. ‘I can work with a part-time weirdo.’ He winked.

And so I told myself I’d tell him the full-time bit another day.

* * *

After breakfast, I’d planned on taking Jack for a picnic up Slievenamon and we’d pick mushrooms on our way up. When we got to the top, I’d confess how bad my OCD really was and he’d tell me none of it mattered because we’d figure out a way to make it all work. (If it worked for Fionn and his fair maidens it could work for me, right?) Maybe Jack would fall madly in love with me and stay?

I’d packed some soda bread, a jar of olives (I hate them, but most people love them, don’t they?) some cheese and pickle, and tea in a flask that my grandmother used to bring when she’d take me a quarter of the way up when I was little. It was far too long for us to walk all the way – she was in her seventies then and I was barely a tween. I pushed the thought of my grandmother from my mind because she couldn’t be there when I was with Jack.

I’d put on my black pumps and jeans. I’d stuffed a packet of antibacterial wipes at the bottom of my bag, although I couldn’t see why I’d need them. There was nothing up the mountain that bothered me and quite frankly Jack could have sneezed all over me and I don’t think I would have cared. (That’s a lie, I would have cared a lot.)

We would have plenty of time to get to know each other on the trek up. I’d planned on asking him lots of questions because I’d realised that I didn’t actually know much about Jack apart from where he was from and that he had a younger sister called Emily and his job involved something to do with telegraph poles and the internet.

I was ready to go when Jack appeared at the kitchen door with his rucksack on his shoulder. He didn’t look like someone who was about to climb a mountain. He looked like someone who was about to leave.

‘The garage rang,’ he said. ‘It’s all sorted.’

I felt the weight of my own bag as my shoulders dropped.

‘What about our picnic?’ I said with a desperate tone that I regretted straight away. ‘You’ve not eaten.’ I stumbled to save myself.

‘Ah, I’m sorry, Pearl,’ he said. ‘I can take a sandwich with me?’

‘One bit of sightseeing before you go?’ I let myself be that person.

‘I can have a good look at it on my drive out.’

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