Page 29 of To Hell With It

‘I dare you to put it in your wallet using your actual hands.’

‘Fine,’ I said, but my heart had already started to speed up.

‘And no sanitiser,’ she added.

‘That’s not fair.’

‘But what’s the point if you’re just going to sanitise afterwards? Actually, I think you need to go one step further.’

I frowned.

‘I think you need to lick the coin.’

‘What?’

‘Make Mairéad proud.’ She grinned.

‘I don’t need to make Mairéad proud.’

‘Make yourself proud then. Come on, Pearl, you can do this.’

‘I’m doing things gradually.’

‘But you said Mairéad said to do it cold turkey.’

I cursed myself in my head, why did I have to tell Una everything? ‘I’m doing it my way,’ I said firmly.

‘If you don’t do it. I’m going to tell lover boy that you’ve stuffed your bra.’

‘You wouldn’t dare.’

‘I would actually.’

‘I don’t know why I’m friends with you.’

‘Because you’d be lost without me.’

‘I’d be less stressed without you.’

‘You’d be bored out of your head. I’d get a move on if I were you, he’s coming.’ Una nodded towards where Jack had left Sally and was now walking towards us. He looked even more gorgeous under the dim lights of the pub.

‘I hate you.’ I picked the coin up.

‘Go on.’ Una chuckled as I lifted it towards my mouth. ‘Just one lick.’

I poked the tip of my tongue out and moved my hand towards it. I knew if I did it quickly it would be over with, but I couldn’t. I could smell the coin before I tasted it. It made my mouth water, but not because I wanted it. Because I didn’t bloody want it at all. The iron tang filled my senses and I knew no amount of vodka would get rid of it.

Everything went through my head then – filthy fingers, wiped bottoms, shit, toilet flushes, penises, dirty taps, runny noses. Everything slowed down; the voices around me muffled like I’d stuffed my ears with socks and not my bra. I couldn’t focus on Una; her face was distorted like the rest of the room. My heart pounded like it might explode out of my chest at any moment. My head spun.

One, two, three, four– I inhaled deeply and held my breath –raft, riverbank, coins, penis hands, dirty, shitty fingers, trees, trees, trees – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight– I held it –one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine– I exhaled out slowly.

‘Trees, breathe, trees.’ Una’s voice came into focus. ‘Trees, trees, breathe, breathe.’ She had her hands on my lap; her expression had changed from amusement to concern. ‘That’s it, you’ve got it, shit, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Treeeees, treeeees, breeeath,’ she continued slowly, and I wanted to slap her.

‘Shut the fuck up,’ I said once I’d caught my breath. ‘Don’t do that.’

‘Do what?’

‘Don’t do the trees thing. It’s nottrees breathe. It’strees, trees, treesand it doesn’t work if someone else does it, it just makes it worse.’

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