Page 128 of To Hell With It

‘That’s the one. Anyway, he came in with her, and she gave him a blow job. We saw it – at least, Niall did, and I must have seen Mr O’Callaghan’s penis too because it makes sense, doesn’t it, seeing his penis all the time in my head? And then because Niall didn’t want me to see it, he pushed me into the cupboard and I was crying, but he wouldn’t let me out and I had to be quiet and count to ten again and again until they left.’

‘God, Pearl,’ Mairéad stared at me. ‘And you don’t remember it?’

‘No, I don’t think so. But I did have a weird flashback when I got stuck in a cave in New Zealand, all I could hear was Niall telling me to be quiet and to count to ten.’

‘It makes sense.’ Mairéad pondered. ‘Poor Mrs O’Callaghan, and poor Niall.’

‘I know. I don’t think Niall ever forgave him.’

‘Gosh. Why did he tell you all of this now? Why not sooner?’

‘He didn’t want to risk his mum finding out again – they were having an affair, Mr O’Callaghan and Maggie Ryan, and she knew about it but thought it was over.’

‘Jesus,’ Mairéad said.

‘I know. I think he was hoping I’d remember on my own, but I went over to his house to thank him for the woodlice house he made me, it’s on the gate, so that I don’t need to check them anymore?—’

‘I wondered what that was. He did that for you?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s exceptionally kind.’

‘Probably feels guilty about the Mr O’Callaghan stuff. In fact, it all adds up now, all the kind things he’s done for me without so much of a question.’

‘You don’t do that for someone out of guilt,’ Mairéad said, her eyebrows raised. Then – ‘Well, I don’t suppose there’s anything you can do about this, I mean you can’t confront Mr O’Callaghan, and you can’t say anything to his wife. But then what about Maggie Ryan?’

‘I think Maggie Ryan has her own problems, her husband has left her, probably found out about the new card.’

‘Oh dear.’

‘And what good would it do anyway? It’s not really any of my business what she and Mr O’Callaghan got up to.’

‘And Niall? It’s obviously stayed with him all this time,’ Mairéad said. ‘I should imagine that must have been quite traumatic to see his father like that and knowing his mother was being lied to, keeping it a secret all these years, dealing with it on his own from such a young age.’

‘Yes,’ I said, aware that I hadn’t really known what to say to Niall about it.

‘And it must have been hard for him to tell you.’

‘I guess so.’

‘And hard for you too, Pearl. How do you feel about what he’s disclosed?’

I thought about it for a moment.

‘I feel a little lighter, I guess.’

‘That’s good, anything else?’

‘I feel like it makes more sense now, like there was an actual physical reason.’

Mairéad nodded, but didn’t say anything.

‘And I suppose if I’m honest, I do feel a bit pissed off with Niall for not telling me sooner. I mean, it wouldn’t have stopped me having it – it’s not his fault – but it would have been good to know what had triggered it. Maybe it could have been tackled differently, if you’d known the reason, too I mean?’

‘Hmm, possibly,’ Mairéad mused. ‘But actually, I would have given you all the same techniques, all the same visuals. And perhaps as a child you wouldn’t have been able to navigate it all so well? Perhaps…’ Mairéad paused. ‘You wouldn’t have been able to cope with what you saw, maybe that’s why your brain blanked it out, so if Niall had told you back then, it might have made things worse for you, not better?’

‘So, you think in a way that Niall protected me?’

---