Page 118 of To Hell With It

ChapterFifty-Seven

Ihad planned on a walk around Wanaka and a picnic by the lake before I set off for home the next day. I hadn’t explored the town and there was no reason not to. The sky was cloudless, exactly as I always imagined New Zealand to be; the air was warm but not stuffy, and I was feeling lighter than I had for a long time.

It was only when I was stood outside the information board in the town centre that I realised just how close I was to Queenstown (a couple of hours on the bus) and then I remembered Mairéad’s text about going to seeThe Lord of The Ringslocation. The map said that I could visit the exact place where my fantasy crush, Aragorn, had fallen from the cliffs during a battle in The Two Towers. I could actually go there and stand on the cliff myself, right where he had fallen off. The thought of it made my body fizz with excitement. I’d never been to a movie location before, and I was actually going to do it.

The bus journey was fine. I kept my head facing the window and allowed myself to be distracted by the scenery. It really was as green and luscious as it was in the film, which made me fall in love with New Zealand even more. I just needed my Aragorn. Or did I? Maybe I didn’t need a man, at all? I’d packed myself a picnic; I didn’t need a man for that (although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t long for a picnic date, even if it happened just once in my life).

I think if I were a character inThe Lord of The Rings, I’d have been Frodo, leaving his village for the first time, petrified and brave at the same time. In search of the ring (Jack) that was actually no good for him at all. I hadn’t stopped to think about what I had done, I’d been so consumed with Jack and just getting there. But for the first time, I acknowledged it: I’d travelled to the other side of the world, on my own, stepped out of my comfort zone, just like Frodo, and seen things and people I never would have met had I not done it. And I’d survived. Nothing had taken my life away, not even the fear because I didn’t let it. And for that, I felt proud.

When the bus pulled up at the tollgate, I made my way on foot up a track and was welcomed by a herd of miniature ponies and four donkeys who stopped by to say hello. They seemed content and happy to be stroked and my mind wandered to Ned in his shed, his ears back, head low, lonely. I promised myself that when I got home I’d ask Sally if I could adopt him, and then I’d get him a companion because that’s what he needed really.

As I approached the top of the road, I stopped and stared at the view that had opened up before me. I recognised the mountains instantly – The Remarkables – they were just as beautiful and breathtaking as they were in the film: jagged and smoky grey with a hint of snow on the top. They really wereremarkable.

I had a map; I’d purchased one from the information centre and I suddenly wished I could have visited all the locations. So I made another promise to myself that I would return to New Zealand one day and do just that.

I thought back to the sign that I so desperately wanted from my grandmother. She made it foggy in the field with Ned for a reason – so that I wouldn’t see any mushrooms. It was the clearest sign she could have given me, and I cursed myself for not listening to it. I would listen from now on.

My eyes fell to below the mountain, to Lake Wakatipu, at its crystal blue hue (that’s how it was described in the brochure) and glassy reflection. I had looked up the meaning of the colour blue; I had seen so much of it in New Zealand, that it felt almost symbolic. It meant freedom.

And as I stood there, staring at the blue, with the backdrop of The Remarkables in all their powerful, wonderful glory, I felt just that. I felt free.

I felt free for the first time in my life.

ChapterFifty-Eight

I’d booked the earliest possible flight from Wanaka to Kuala Lumpur, with only an hour’s stop before my flight to Dublin. I knew it would be tight but I needed to get home. I’d not been able to stop thinking about what Niall had said – what had happened in the shop when we were younger that he couldn’t just tell me over the phone?

I only watched two films on the flight to Kuala Lumpur (The Holiday,again, because I just loved it, andThe Hobbitbecause I wanted to bookmark more film locations to visit when I returned to New Zealand).

I’d like to say that on my flight home I drank copious cups of tea at the airport because it didn’t matter how many times I needed the loo and that when I used the toilet, I sauntered in without a thought or worry about what my clothes brushed against, or that I didn’t give the toilet seat a second glance – but that would have been a big fat lie. I still did all those things – I still avoided drinking more than one cup of tea, I still put it off right up until the last moment so that I could hold my wee in for as long as possible without using the toilet. I still used my elbow to open the door, still sanitised my hands before and after using the toilet, still hovered, still washed the taps and scanned any seats before I sat down.

But I didn’t use a loo roll to open the cubicle door when I’d finished, I used my hand. A win for me.

Una had arranged to pick me up from Dublin airport when I landed, Mairéad had texted to ask if I wanted a session on the weekend, and I had heard nothing from Niall since his weird part-confession about something that had happened in the shop.

By the time I boarded my flight home, I was exhausted (which was what I had hoped would happen) and I slept for at least four hours, partially broken by the man in front of me who kept moving his seat backwards and forwards and hitting my knee.

I’d found out I could text on aeroplane mode (for a small fee to connect to the plane’s Wi-Fi), which I wished I’d known on the way to New Zealand because it would have made things a lot easier.

The rest of the flight was taken up with messages from Una.

I found a text message from her.

From who?

From Carmel.

Oh God … what did it say?

It said ‘you make me tingle’.

That’s gross. Are you OK?

Not really… And there’s more.

??

I opened the message and there was a whole thread.

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