Page 114 of To Hell With It

‘We’re about to go into the glowworm caves, it’s darker, for obvious reasons, but not smaller. It’s bigger than what we’ve been in, OK?’

‘OK,’ I said quietly. I was still in shock, I think. And then I followed the rest of the group in behind him.

It was dark, it was bloody dark, but before I had time to feel any panic I saw them. Bright green luminous dots, hundreds of them, on the walls, on the roof of the cave, glowing just like Niall had said they would, from their bottoms, although I would never have known that, had he not told me. And they were just as beautiful as Niall had promised they would be. Just as amazing.

And all I could think about was, if there were that many females searching for a male, with their arses lit up, where were all the males? And what did they do if they didn’t find them? Did they give up? Did they stop glowing? Or did they glow brighter?

ChapterFifty-Five

Ididn’t want to stop glowing. I wanted to glow brighter like the glowworms. I hadn’t found my Fionn in Jack, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t in someone else. I stared at Mairéad’s last challenge –Go out, get drunk, have some fun!!It seemed a bit of a sad thing to do on my own, but then why the hell not? It didn’t really matter, anyway. I could be whoever I wanted to be and no one would know. No one would know who I really was or what I was really like.

When I got back to Irish Eyes lodge, I slipped on my mustard dress because I was determined to wear it other than when I found out about Jack. It needed to become symbolic in a positive way. I let my hair fall loose around my shoulders. I didn’t try and straighten it or tame it down. I let it be as wild as it had always wanted to be. I let it be free.

I walked into the town. It was a beautiful evening, the air was warm and people smiled like they knew me as I passed them by on the pavement. I’d decided to go into the nearest bar. There were tables outside and music spilled from the open windows. Usually that’s where I would be, but if I was going to do it I had to do it inside, where everyone’s breath would be on me. I saw a space at the bar, kept my eyes fixed on it and made my way over.

‘Vodka-lime-and-soda, please,’ I said to the bartender, because that’s what Una always drank at home and it seemed to do the trick for her.

I drank it quickly and then ordered another. The music got louder at the same time as my head got fuzzier, and I didn’t notice him straight away but when I focused I realised the man a few seats down from me was Tim.

‘Tim!’ I waved him over and he got up with a stumble. He was as drunk as me and I was glad.

‘Are you following me?’ he said with a slur, and I laughed.

Close up, Tim’s eyes had flecks of green in them, and I’m not sure how I didn’t notice before.

‘No. Are you following me?’ I said over the music.

‘Definitely not.’

‘How did it go?’

‘How did what go?’

‘You know, Nicola’s ashes, did you let them go up there?’

He paused for a moment.

‘Yes.’

‘Was it OK?’

‘I had to make sure I let her go in the right direction.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘The wind,’ he said. ‘I had to make sure the wind was right, otherwise, well you know…’

‘Oh, right, yes of course. I’m glad it was OK. At least she wasn’t eaten by fish.’

Tim let out a laugh and I felt guilty that I’d made him laugh at his dead wife’s expense.

‘What are you doing here?’ he changed the subject.

‘Getting drunk, you?’

‘Same.’

‘Do you want to get drunk together?’

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