Page 12 of Seven Rules for a Perfect Marriage

‘Jack?’ Clay gets my attention.

‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I was just thinking about the retreat. Lots to prepare.’

‘Really?’ Maya sounds surprised. ‘I thought the publisher had done most of the legwork? If you’re spending a lot of hours, we should invoice them for additional services.’

‘No, no.’ Jessica quickly jumps in. ‘They’ve done almost everything, we’re just tinkering with things. We’re very happy with how it’s going. Right, Jack?’

‘Right.’ I nod.

‘Lovely,’ says Clay. ‘And once you’ve done the retreat, publicity will be over and you’ll have a little break.’

This is almost as exciting as the bestseller-list thing. Time off. A break. Some headspace from the brand our marriage has become and some time to focus on us and what makes us happy. I can write. Maybe if they get really desperate, they might let me pick up a few days of freelance at my old job. I long to come home after a day away from Jessica and pour her a glass of wine while I download all the gossip from the office, just like we used to.

‘So it feels like the right time to start asking some questions. What’s next for brand Jack and Jessica?’

There’s a long pause. Alec looks at Maya and they seem to be taking a toss-up about who has to speak next.

Jessica is playing with her charm bracelet under the desk. From the chest upwards she looks serene, but I can tell she’snervous. She always seems to think that this lot are going to drop us, that they’re going to tell us that we’re washed up and there’s no more road, despite the fact that she’s now their highest earning client and a social media genius.

‘Do you have any thoughts?’ Alec asks.

‘After the break?’ I ask.

Clay laughs. ‘Absolutely. But come on, we don’t want you out of the game for long. Momentum is a powerful thing.’

Before I can reply, Jessica does. ‘We’ve talked about it. We’d like to take a break and have a think. And then maybe a follow-up, more rules for marriage, based around us getting a bit older and having been together longer. A sort of “how to go the distance”?’

The fact that she’s remembered about the break is a relief. It was one of the stipulations for doing this, that as soon as the book was done and dusted, we would take a proper period of time off to think about what we wanted to do with our careers. Hers, and mine. Not ours.

Everyone nods in a way that makes it clear they think this is solidly mediocre. ‘That could work,’ Maya says, which even I know is code for ‘that’s a fucking terrible idea’.

‘And it’s only six months until I finish my MSc,’ Jessica says, ‘so then I’ll be able to dive a bit deeper into the psychological side of relationships. I’m excited to maybe move into a more science-based direction. The end goal is that I qualify as a therapist.’

Everyone nods with even less enthusiasm and now I’m starting to feel frustrated. I know they all think her MSc is a pointless vanity thing, and that she’s only doing it because occasionally someone will point out that we have no actualexpertise in relationships other than being married. And yes, they might technically be right. But my God does she work hard on it. She’s never missed a lecture, nor been late for a deadline. She got on that course legitimately, not through the press office, despite what people suggest online, and she loves it. But apparently the idea of us doing something that might actually help people isn’t appealing to this lot, who just want to keep making money off the same old formula for success.

‘We talked about doing something a bit different,’ I say. ‘I liked the idea of essays on marriage, something a bit more reflective. Maybe an anthology with other writers. Maybe we could interview some experts and do something a bit more rounded? Or a series of profiles of long-term married couples for a newspaper?’ I allow myself a moment to imagine Jessica and I sitting down with Zadie Smith and Nick Laird, asking them gently probing questions about the intersection of their marriage and their careers. Being invited to stay for a literati dinner party afterwards.

There’s a very long silence and I realise that, by comparison, they were actually being really nice about Jessica’s ideas because no one can think of anything to say about my thoughts. There’s a long, very uncomfortable silence and then Maya clears her throat.

‘We watched your slot onMorning Chatthis morning, and that actually really dovetails with what we wanted to talk about today.’ I think I know where this is going, and I very much hope that I’m wrong. ‘We’ve done the numbers, looked at your comments online, done market research, produced analysis across all the socials. And basically, everyone is asking the same question.’ She pauses, clearly hopingthat we’re going to jump in and finish the sentence for her. ‘People are desperate to know: when is the J and J baby coming?’

‘The J-bee!’ Alec adds. He laughs at his own joke, but when the laughing stops, the room is painfully silent. There’s a rubbish truck on the street outside. I listen to it beeping while the three of them work out what they’re going to say. Jessica is doing an impression of impassive listening, switching her gaze from one person to another every few seconds.

‘But,’ Clay offers, ‘having a baby is not the only option. We could also go in a different, equally exciting, direction.’ He pushes an iPad across the table. It sits on the table between me and Jessica. It’s a mock-up of a book cover.Seven Rules for the Perfect Child-Free Marriage.

‘We’re not committed to the title,’ Alec throws in, ‘we’re still on the fence about childless versus child-free; it’s such a difficult definition.’

They all nod and makes noises of agreement about how difficult the definition is. I try to read Jessica’s expression in profile. I realise that I should say something. I left her to field the questions on the breakfast show and I can’t do that again. I need to say something which will make them back off, and I’m not giving them any details about what’s going on with us. I’m just not sure how—

‘That’s an interesting thought,’ Jessica says. Slow. Almost robotic. ‘So, to clarify, the strategy for our brand for the next twelve to eighteen months is that we should either have a baby, or announce that we’re not going to have a baby.’

She’s incredible at things like this. Her tone is so light, but there’s something commanding about it too. Maya looks alittle shamefaced. Alec, who I’m increasingly convinced is only half human, takes over.

‘Pregnancy would be the next natural step for your brand, in terms of sponsored content and growing your following, and...’ Alec pauses. ‘Your demographic.’ He looks at me like I might not understand the word and my fists clench under the table.

Clay leans forward, silencing Alec with his body language. ‘I realise this all sounds a bit heavy, but the publishers are pressing us for next steps. It doesn’t matter whether you want to lean into the child-free life, or jump into parenthood. There’s going to be speculation online about your plans, so it’s cleaner and fairer to your following to just give a straight answer. I know you guys get it.’

How have these people created a world where it’s normal to ask a couple to decide whether they’re trying to have children or not, and then announce it publicly? This was supposed to be Jessica’s side hustle, her lockdown hobby, a distraction from not liking her job. But somehow we have dehumanised ourselves so much that the idea of us having kids or not wanting to have kids has become part of the ‘brand story’ or, worse, the business plan.

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