Page 53 of Ryder

“Right, but you love him so you’ll stick up for him no matter what he says, right?”

“That isn’t true! I don’t love him!”

He closes his eyes and seconds pass that drag on for what feels like hours. I’m shaking. I know I’m in too deep, but I thought I could handle it. I thought I could deal with it without getting anyone else involved. Jimmy’s volatile and scary mood swings have become increasingly worse over a short space of time, and here I am, still making excuses.

Iamone of those women, but how did this happen? It’s like I have no control over my own thoughts or feelings. Jimmy ruled them all. He isolated me from everyone, and I willingly let him.

“I’m sorry.” He swallows hard. “I don’t mean to come in here and yell at you, but if you have a problem, you come to me. Youcan always come to me. We always said no matter what, we’d be there for one another. I’d never turn you away.”

I nod. I can’t form words and the tears are freely falling now. I’ve been living in a daydream thinking I could fix this man who can’t be fixed. What’s more? He doesn’t think he has a problem. He thinks hurting me and being sorry later is enough. But I can’t live like this. I just can’t.

“I was afraid you’d get involved,” I whisper. “When we moved here, he didn’t tell me about the Devils. I got an apartment, and he said he had accommodation with his job, so he would only stay on weekends. I thought that if things didn’t work out between us then at least he wasn’t technically living with me. But then soon after, the cracks started to show.”

“More like he’s been living the life of Riley over here, doin’ whatever the fuck he wants with whoever he wants, and you’d be none the wiser. He’s probably been moochin’ off you this entire time.”

“I swear to God, I thought he had a good job. He told me he had a warehouse with some of his friends where they were storing second hand goods for a store, but nothing about guns or drugs… And trafficking?” I plead. “I’d never get mixed up in any of that.”

“So you found out he was joinin’ the Devils and then what?”

I wring my hands, remembering the fight we had where he screamed in my face and terrified me. “I asked him if he’d planned this all along and he said yes. When I asked him why he lied, he told me that he knew I’d be reluctant to move if I knew about the MC. The Devils heard about it after being kicked out of his old club and offered him a place. I knew it was a lie, but he seemed happy about it. We’d been fighting a lot, so I guess I just let it slide.”

“Crystal.” Ryder shakes his head. “You could’ve come to me. No matter what I’m feelin’ right now, it’s only because he hurt you. I’d never be mad at you?—”

“But you were mad, at dinner,” I remind him. “I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me. And Luca? Let’s not even go there. He’d flip. I thought things might get better once Jimmy was working, but then he started to drink more and more, and started spending more time at the clubhouse?—”

“Have you been there?”

“Once or twice, he doesn’t really like me going because…”

I pique a brow. “Because?”

I sigh. “He says he has a hard time keeping some of the guys in line… he wouldn’t want to risk my safety…”

“Wow, so gallant of him.” Ryder rolls his eyes. “You think a piece of shit like him would give two fucks what happened to you once you were inside the clubhouse? They’re a different breed, not like my club. They don’t respect anyone — women are trash. He’d have no problem handin’ you over to any one of his buddies.”

I shudder. I never thought he’d do something like that, but then again, I never thought he’d hit me, either.

I take a breath. “I think… deep down… I think I was trying to replace you. When he showed interest and was sweet to me in the beginning, it healed my broken heart. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I wasn’t honest.” I cup one side of his face. “I wish I had been. I never wanted to burden you with being tied down. I wasn’t willing to open up?—”

“Because I rejected you the first time, right?”

I hated throwing that in his face, but I was grasping at straws.

“Maybe, but not just because of that. I didn’t want to ask you to wait. I was afraid my heart would break all over again, so it was better not to ask. Pretending we were just a one-night thingwas easier, and I could get over it in time. But I couldn’t, Ryd. I… I love you and always have.”

“Y-you love me?” he stammers.

“Haven’t you always known that?”

He shakes his head. His face is earnest, his eyes softening and his jaw set tight. “It’s no secret I didn’t think I was good enough for you. I didn’t hide it, and I blewusoff because I thought you could do better. A million times better, and you can. But to fall for a man like Rifle? Sugar, this isn't you. You don’t have to choose me over him, but for fuck’s sake, this has to end.”

I know he’s right. It’s nothing I don’t already know. I just didn’t want to ask for help.

I don’t know how to ask. And Ryder? Never. In his eyes, I’m this perfect little princess, even if I know I’ll never live up to that. Here he is telling me thathe’sthe one who isn’t worthy of me? How did this get so fucked up?

“It may come as a shock to you that I’m the one who thoughtyoucould do better. I’ve never thought I was above you just because my parents had money, or where I went to school, or the clothes on my back.” I know I sound hysterical, but I don’t care. “I’ve never felt like I fit in. I know, I know; poor little rich girl with a privileged life, boo hoo.You’re the only one who was ever honest with me. The only one who always gave it to me right between the eyes.”

“And I will never stop doin’ that,” he promises. “Never. You can’t be his anymore, Crystal. As long as my heart is beatin’ in this chest, you won’t be in his arms. Do you hear me?”

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