Page 83 of In the Light of Sin

But the aftermath of him was much worse.

* * *

“After Douglas…” I refused to repeat his vile act on me. Sarge picked me up, and he carried us to his bed, not the guest bed. I hadn’t been in his room since the morning after we had sex for the first time. “I turned to alcohol, as you know. But I was underage…” I looked away, ashamed of my past self, who did anything but numb myself from reality. “No one would buy me alcohol unless I… did them favors.”

My eyes burned, revealing this to Sarge. I didn’t want to, but if he wanted all of me, he would get every part of me, and that includes my tarnished past. “Uncle Brian and his friends were members of the Bloods and took me to parties they hosted. Jordyn didn’t want to go, and she tried to stop me, but I knew there would be alcohol there, so I went anyway. She used to worry about me all the time. She tried to protect me. She’s technically older by three minutes and took the older sister’s role to heart. It went on for years until…”

No snide remarks, no interrupting. Sarge just stroked my hair as he waited for me to continue. “Can I… can I see your face when I tell you about this?”

With no hesitation, he pulled his hood back to reveal his handsome face. He knew touch was a comfort language to me as he turned to his side, making sure I was still lying on his arm. He touched his forehead to mine, his one eye soft as he did something he was uncomfortable with to comfort me without complaint. “I dropped out of school. I was out all night partying with these people I thought were my friends until one night. We arrived at one party, and I immediately got wasted to the point I didn’t know who or where I was.” My lips trembled as I relieved a memory I told no one until today. “There was a girl. She was around my age. Smiling, laughing. I remember her because we danced, and I saw her go off with three men.” The burning behind my eyes slid down my cheeks. “I found her body the next morning. Naked with a bullet hole through the back of her skull.”

“That girl was just like me, and they took her life like she meant nothing. What if I was next? I knew I had to get out. I tried. I tried so hard. But they wouldn’t let me leave. They told me that the only way I could go was being dead in a ditch on the side of the road. I cried to Jordyn, and she cut a deal with them.” My body fell forward, hands covering my face as I spilled my deepest secret. “She would take my place as long as they didn’t hurt me anymore.”

I remembered stumbling home, feeling violated with smudges of things I didn’t want to think about covering me. Jordyn gasped when she saw me, hands over her mouth with watery eyes. I couldn’t hold back my sob at the absolute disappointment she must’ve felt towards me, that she had a sister who was so lost that she would give whatever she could to feel like she was worth something.

I didn’t want to be the girl that was only known for one thing. I was more… wasn’t I?

I didn’t miss the way his eye widened in surprise that Jordyn loved me enough to do that for me. They see her as this malicious, manipulative bitch. But they didn’t know the kind soul she was before she gave it all up for me. “How do you repay someone doing that for you, Sarge? Her future was bright; she had a full-ride volleyball scholarship… She was going to be happy.” I choked on a sob. “She gave it up because of my mistakes.”

“She saved your life.” I nodded. His hands retracted from my hair, and I was afraid he was disgusted by me now, but thankfully, he just adjusted his hands so his thumbs brushed my waterfall of tears.

“So please don’t be too hard on her—“

“I fuckin’ will be.” He used his hands to make sure I was looking at him. “What she did for you is hard, ain’t no mistake about that. But she’s hurt more people and ruined more lives than the whole club can count on their fingers. She’s a bad fuckin’ person, Joslyn.”

“I know—”

“Don’t cut excuses for her,” he interrupted me as I slammed my mouth shut. “You got her involved, but she ain’t tryin’ to get herself out.”

I don’t know if she could, even if she wanted to. I couldn’t look him in the eye. “Addiction is powerful.”

“It is,” he agreed. “You overcome it every day.”

I’m so happy he didn’t say I beat it. Because I didn’t. I was still tempted by my past demons. Every time I saw a spirit bottle or beer bottle, my throat went dry, and I was suddenly thirsty. The memories of all my drunken nights where I felt numb and forgot all my problems sounded much better than reliving the nights I wanted to forget over and over. “I do.”

“You’re fuckin’ strong, Sunshine. I’m proud to call you my girl.” I choked on a sob, his words hitting something deep inside of me. He pulled me to him, my face burried in his chest as my hands gripped his cut.

“She has nothing to get clean for.” I know she’s seen worse than I did. More bodies, more blood, more hardships than when I was part of their gang. It took one murder to get me to stop. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was some unsuspecting woman’s executioner.

“You should be enough.”

“What if she wanted to but couldn’t?” I looked up at him, his brown eye trained on my face. “They threatened to kill me when I wanted to leave, but she took my place. They would no doubt threaten her the same way, right?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed my fears. “Fucked up situation. She’s willingly hurting others, Joslyn. Projecting pain on others because you’re hurting isn’t justified.”

“I know.” All the strength was sapped from me. Between seeing Douglas and crying to Sarge about everything I’ve been keeping in for years, I wanted to sleep for a whole month. “I just don’t get why people have to make others as miserable as they are. Shouldn’t the ones in pain not project since they know what it feels like to be at the bottom?”

“The bottom is a lonely place.”

“I was there, but thanks to Jordyn, I got out.” I put my hand on the scarred side of his face, mustering my best smile for him. Hoping to not project the hurt I was feeling but to make him understand how much he meant to me. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Darin. But my feelings for you are the most free I’ve felt since that night.”

“I’ll keep busting open that cage.” His thumbs brushed the endless stream of tears. “One time. One hundred times. A million times. Every time you get locked in that pretty mind of yours… I’ll save you.”

I had to know. My mind was racing with so many undeserving thoughts. “Why?”

“Because you think I’m worth it.” My breath hitched. “Because I want you to believe you are too. Ain’t a fuckin’ thing I wouldn’t do for you, Joslyn.”

I leaned forward, pushing our lips together. I knew I was getting his face wet with my crying, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. I pulled back, resting my forehead against his. My sin was big… maybe too great. “Do you think I’ll see Heaven someday?”

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