Page 98 of In the Light of Sin

They wheeled me out soon after. I felt their stares, their despair, their disappointment.

Everyone there agreed with her.

My fingers began to twitch, my blood heating as everything began to blur. Madison wasn’t the young woman she became. Instead, she shrunk, becoming the little girl who had just lost her father. Her blue eyes were stormy as she sobbed in front of a bloodied flag on her scrapped knees. I couldn’t catch my breath as the spasm turned into full-blown trembles.

The breathing in my throat felt as if I was sucking through a straw. Something exploded in the back of my mind, making my breath hitch and look around. Why did it smell like burning ash? Where was the warmth of the sun reflecting in the windows? Where were the flower seeds…

My heart seized. Where was Joslyn?

“Joslyn?” I called, my surroundings blurred, and I couldn’t recognize a damn thing. I was back in that desert, the spot where we were ambushed before being taken back to their torture house. “Joslyn!”

I had to run. I had to find her before they got to her. My heart raced the more I shouted without a response. My throat burned from the intensity, and my neck strained from looking in every direction, only to see nothing but the expanse of endless sand and murky air from the heat.

Something touched my arm, and my left hand instinctively went for it, crushing it until I felt something pop underneath my fingers. I heard a yelp as I stepped back, my right arm going up in the air as survival instincts kicked in, ready to kill whatever was brave enough to fuck with me out in the elements.

“Darin?” I sucked in a sharp breath, the desert fading into shelving and the endless sand reverting back to the tile floor. My mouth was open, eyes wide, as the shadowed figure in front of me began to clear, turning into long, straight blonde hair. Her green eyes were scrunched slightly, pain flickering like gems.

My sun.

I didn’t like the hurt in her eyes. I didn’t know why it was there. I looked between us, my fucked up hand crushing her small one, it trembling despite trying to remain strong. My breath hitched, immediately letting go, my heart sinking as her other hand came to soothe the ache I caused. She tried to give me a smile that told me it was okay. But it wasn’t.

It wasn’t okay at all.

“Only thing you’re good at,” Madison spat. I forgot she was there. The heart in my stomach beginning to beat out of control once more. “Hurting the people you say you care about.”

“Excuse me,” Joslyn’s voice was gentle as she stepped around me, putting herself between me and a past I wish was more distant. Her knuckles slightly swelled as they swayed at her side. “I thought I’d introduce myself. My name is Joslyn, and you are?”

My head turned to gauge Madison’s reaction. She looked torn on lashing out at me or snapping at Joslyn. If she snapped at Joslyn, fallen comrade’s daughter or not, there’d be some words exchanged. “Madison.”

“Hi, Madison.” She stepped forward to Madison like she was a wounded animal. I’m not sure how to approach her without setting her off like before. “What’s your issue with Darin?”

“He killed my dad.” Her voice broke, ocean-colored eyes forming waves through tears. A knot formed in my throat, my swallowing almost impossible as I glanced at Joslyn’s reaction. She knew I’d killed before, but she didn’t know the sin that led to my induction into the Souls. She looked calm, her lips flat as she considered Madison’s truthful words.

Because she wasn’t wrong. I killed her dad—and our best friends.

Joslyn shook her head, a sad smile gracing her pretty features as she set a comforting arm on Madison’s arm. “I know that’s the truth you tell yourself to keep focused on something other than your father’s untimely death. But Darin didn’t. You see his left arm, right?”

Her eyes trailed on my self-conscious side. It confused people why I didn’t cover my arm, but I covered my face. It was simple, really. I couldn’t fucking stand to look at my worthless face. It was already too much to handle its reflection every morning, the ghosts of my six comrades behind me with daggered eyes I wish would pierce my skin and make me bleed out on the floor. I covered it because I was too much of a coward. “He fought to get back to them. His scars prove he did. There’s only so much a man can do against weapons.”

There was a fight in her eyes. She’s spent all this time hating me, it being a slight comfort in her father’s passing that made it easier for her to bear if she split her emotions. I would take all that burden if it meant my mistake was lesser to her. It’s what Dan had us promise we’d do if something ever happened to him: make sure his little girl was taken care of.

“I tried,” I croaked when I couldn’t just stand there. I didn’t want to talk about this, but I had to. Anything I could do for Dan’s kid, I would. “I swear to fuck, I tried to get them out.”

“I don’t believe you,” her sob caught in her throat. “If you did, he’d still be here!”

“I understand you lost your father, sweetheart.” She was being as sympathetic as possible. A girl half my size trying to defend me from a direct cause of my sin? It was almost laughable. “Darin lost a lot that day, too.”

“Like what?” she scoffed, too hurt to see reason. I lost everything that day, but so did she. “He’s still alive!”

“He is,” she affirmed. “Alive and living with the deaths of your father and everyone that blames him for it.” She reached out, but Madison took an inconsolable step away from her. Her features hardened with Joslyn’s comfort, not wanting to feel anything but pissed off at the world. “When people die, it’s only once. When people are left behind to live with the memories of death, they die every day.”

“He deserves it,” she hissed, hate-filled eyes directed at me. She took a step back, arm shaking with either rage or temptation. “He doesn’t deserve anything good to happen to him!”

“I think you should go.” Joslyn was more stern as my mind began to numb, a coping mechanism that developed itself. “This isn’t the time or place for this. If you want to have a proper discussion, we can always meet you somewhere.”

She shook her head, heated tears falling from her eyes. “The only place I’ll be near him is when he’s cold and dead in the ground so I can spit on his grave,” she hissed, turning on her heels and walking out. Her shoulders began to shake, her sobs piercing my ears and cutting through my chest. I was lost. My senses were haywire. I needed to get out of here.

“Sarge?” She didn’t touch me. She was afraid I would hurt her again if she did. In this mindset, I might’ve. It wouldn’t be intentional, like moments before, but still something I would just fucking hate myself for. God, why did I ever think giving my fucking heart to someone was a good idea? Madison just reminded me of why I lived secluded. Why I didn’t let anyone in.

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