Page 70 of In the Light of Sin

He wasn’t wrong. Sarge was the largest of all of them, V coming close. My lips turned down, looking at Sarge’s still form. His head just lulled towards the left, the rise and fall of his chest at a steady pace, letting me know he was still here with me.

All the mornings I woke up broken, hurting, and alone invaded my mind. My eyes felt glassy, like I was in a trance. Like I was the drunken mistake I felt I was. How many times did I want someone to be there when I woke up? Instead, the only thing that comforted me was the broken glass bottle that put me to sleep in the first place.

“What are you doing?” Nyla asked as I dropped to the ground, getting as close to Sarge as I could without touching him. “You’re really going to lay on the floor with him?”

I still felt like I was in a trance, not recognizing my own voice. “I don’t want him to wake up alone.”

There were refutes. Protests about this. But I ignored them all. I focused on Sarge, and when they knew I wouldn’t waiver, they left us be. I’m shocked they didn’t put up more of a fight, but the tension wasn’t caused by me. There was something bigger going on between everyone. Nyla told me to call her if I needed anything before she and Mitchell took off. Soon, it was just Sarge, Darrell, and I. I could feel the way he looked at me, the hate. The judgment. The distrust. But still, he didn’t say anything as I heard him walk off, leaving Sarge and me alone on the cold tiled floor.

I was just waiting for him to wake up, but as the minutes turned to hours, I felt myself dozing off. The floor was uncomfortable. I was cold. I knew whenever I woke up, it would feel like my spine snapped in half.

I told him I would prove to him that he came first to me. Sarge was worth my discomfort.

He was worth everything.

I looked around the room, taking note it was still dark outside. “Sarge?” I didn’t know what day or time it was. I just knew that he wasn’t in here with me. “Sarge!”

I jumped out of bed. My work uniform was wrinkled, and I was barefoot as I made my way out of Sarge’s club bedroom. I rushed down the hall and the stairs, almost tripping down them as I made my way to the common area. I scanned the room frantically, almost missing the dark figure at the bar.

Darrell was at the bar, nursing a beer. I thought he didn’t drink? My throat bobbed as it took some effort to keep my mind off how much stress one would take off me right now. Finding my voice, even if it was strained, I asked, “Where’s Sarge?”

He lifted the bottle, my eyes lingering on it as he ignored my question. “Join me for a drink?”

I felt my skin prickle with sweat, eyes trained on the beer bottle he was twisting in his fingers. I would absolutely love to join him for a drink. To numb myself to every stress that was popping up so frequently in my life. I shook my head. Darrell knew. He knew what my life was years ago, and this was just a test to see what I would choose: alcohol or Sarge. But there was no competition. My voice was raspy, confidence dwindling as I asked again, “Where’s Sarge?”

“Hmm,” he mused, placing his drink on the bar before swelling in the stool to face me. “Why do you want to know?”

I was growing more irritated with him by the second. I knew it might bite me in the ass later, but Sarge could be anywhere. I didn’t know how sedation made him feel waking up. What if he was out there getting himself hurt? I couldn’t let him do that. I couldn’t lose someone else I loved because of their angry impulses. “Please, Darrell. I need to know where he is. What if he gets himself killed?”

“I know about your past. Every single detail.” I froze, knowing what was going to happen next. I didn’t want to have this conversation with him, but it was a long time coming. I wish Sarge was here to give me strength. “Bravo to you, Joslyn. Manipulating Sarge the way you did.”

My skin flushed with anger, and I narrowed my eyes at him. “I didn’t manipulate him.”

“He’s been straying off our cause now with you in the picture.” He stood up, trying to use his size to intimidate me. We were the only two in the open room, his boots echoing off the empty walls, making his steps sound all the more threatening. “Grim did the same with Nyla, but obviously, that’s a different case.”

I didn’t have immunity to Darrell’s scrutiny like Nyla did. “What are you trying to say?”

“I don’t trust you.” He stopped right in front of me, his lips sneered. “I’ve been studying you. Your actions. Your calls. Everything. They all lead back to your cunt of a sister.”

I had to bite my tongue. I didn’t like her to be referred to that way, but now wasn’t the time to defend her. “It’s hard to let go of someone who was part of your life.” Darrell let go of everyone important to him when he gave Nyla up. Living for only his next hit to dull the pain he felt inside. “I thought you, of all people, would understand.”

“All I understand is you’re still with her and, by association, the Bloods.”

He obviously doesn’t know about my struggle with letting her go. I’ve been strong, not even sending out a feeler to her to make sure she was still alive. “You wired me up and sent me to the wolves to prove my loyalty.”

“I did.” That night was a clusterfuck, and I still don’t know if it was beneficial or not. “But even afterward, you were still in contact with Jordyn.”

“She’s my sister—”

“She’s your abuser,” he cut me off, not wanting to hear any of my excuses for her treatment. Maybe he didn’t know about the mall? How she left me behind? How Sarge more or less gave me an ultimatum that shook me to my core, and even if I was feeling the loss of the everyday routine I had with Jordyn, I knew my life would be better without her in it. But letting go, even someone who would rather hurt than love you, was a difficult thing. “You have a choice to make.” I was listening intently. “I’ve been far too kind for our own personal gain. But the tides are turning, and you have to pick a side. Your sister or us.”

If he asked me a few days ago, it would be a much harder question. Jordyn was my best friend. Terrible life choices tore us apart and are keeping us apart. As long as I let her poison into my life, I could never properly heal.

As children, I always needed her. She was my protector from the kids who made fun of me for my hearing. She was keeping me from a life I told myself I never deserved because of the sin I’ve committed. Everyone disagreed, seeing the manipulation but not understanding why I let myself become accustomed to that lifestyle. Jordyn was my sister, and I would always love her despite how rough it was between us.

But if I had to choose between her and Sarge…

I’d pick him every time. I would shatter if I ever lost him.

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