Page 58 of In the Light of Sin

Oakley: I’m sorry, but yes.

My heart dropped.

Nyla: I’ve always tried to understand why. I know you said you’re the reason why she got involved in the lifestyle she did, but it wasn’t a good enough reason for me to justify the way she was treating you. I love you, Jos. I understand she’s your sister, but so are we. We’re just not blood-related.

That was a nail in the coffin. All the years I’ve spent trying to put others above myself, to start over. Make friends. Have some semblance of a life while taking care of my sister… It wasn’t good enough.

I never thought my actions would be ruining me five years later. Everyone looks at it as me giving in to Jordyn’s whims, but they don’t see the internal struggle. They didn’t see my constant breakdowns and the overwhelming guilt.

The way I looked into a mirror and saw what I would’ve looked like if Jordyn hadn’t taken my place in the Bloods staring back at me.

I didn’t realize, even with me trying to fake smile my way through a day and be there for my friends, it wasn’t a clever enough ruse to make them believe that I was in control of myself. Jordyn controlled me—I’ve never had control over my life or my actions.

I couldn’t ever be happy. Not without feeling guilty that Jordyn was miserable because of me.

My breaths came in and out more rapidly. My chest tightened to the point that I wished the organ inside stopped beating. I gripped the shirt I stole from Sarge in a feeble attempt to stop the world and my problems in it.

I looked at the open doorway, eyes burning at the image of Sarge just walking away from me. I had to get out of here. Out of the room, away from the memories of him.

I dialed a number, needing to be grounded. I need to be reminded of why I never put anyone above the person I owed my life to. “Jordyn?”

“Yeah?”Her words were slightly slurred, making me think she had taken something before the phone call.

I blew out a breath, wiping my eyes with the palms of my hands, trying to soothe the throbbing that was lingering there. I knew Jordyn was the wrong choice, but I was making it anyway… for Jordyn.

She’ll never stop until you quit enabling her.Darrell’s words from the night they forced their way into our lives haunted me, but even then, I listened to what was familiar to me. “I’ll go.”

With everyone finally telling me what they felt, I felt overwhelmed. I needed familiarity…

Even if it was in the form of abuse from my sister.

* * *

There are only two things I want back in my life.

My parents.

And my sister’s love. Did that make me a bad person for craving the love of others who were supposed to love me from the start?

“Been a while, Joslyn.” It had. I hadn’t seen her since the party where she caught me with a wire. I never knew the outcome of it or if she ratted us out. “Been ruining anyone else’s lives or just mine?”

That was her usual greeting towards me. It always made the backs of my eyes burn. She wouldn’t do anything until I answered her, so I told her what I always did. “Just yours.”

“What luck I must have to have a sister like you.” Her sickly sweet sarcasm wasn’t lost, making me draw in on myself. We looked the same. We both have blonde hair and the same green eyes. She was thinner with graying skin and track marks, and I was fuller with fair skin and little brushes of freckles on my shoulders that could be seen when I wore sleeveless tops.

“Why did you want to go shopping with me in the first place?” I knew she was going to be a bitch to me. She always was. But I took it since I deserved it after what I did to her and her promising life. But I couldn’t remember the last time she’d ask me to go out and do something with her… it’s been years.

And even then, we went out, she stole my purse, and I had to walk ten miles home while she and her friends drove past me in my car and laughed. I hadn’t told a soul about that.

I deserved it, but I knew whoever I told would disagree.

“I need new clothes for a party and have no money,” she said heartlessly, looking at me like a piggy bank. She’s already stolen so much money from me. Our lights have been shut off multiple times, and we went without heat one winter–correction, I did. She went to someone else’s warmer house while I bundled up in our cold one because I didn’t want anyone to know how bad it was there. But I guess since we didn’t live together anymore, she couldn’t just take whatever she needed. She actually had to talk to me. “You don’t mind, right?”

Still, I relented, being the pushover everyone viewed me as. My smile was sad, just what she wanted. She never wanted to see me happy. She’d find a way to take it away from me. “I don’t mind.”

She grinned, but it was as fake as she was. “Thanks, sis.”

I hated it when she called me that condescending term.

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