Page 104 of The Accidental Text

“I’m sorry, Mags. I’m honestly surprised.”

“I am too. I guess I shouldn’t be.”

“Maybe …” Hannah says.

“Maybe what?”

She lets out a breath through her nose. “If he was doing all that to avoid his feelings, then maybe he’s avoiding how he feels about you too?”

I sigh. “I don’t know. I want to think that, but I think it would just give me hope. And I need to not hope right now.”

“I’m sorry, Mags,” she says again. She reaches over and taps me twice on the arm. All the comfort I’ll get from her. I’m grateful for it.

We lie in silence. My eyes find the heart on my ceiling and it doesn’t bring me any peace. I see it for what it is: an accidental shape made by a texture gun. That’s all it’s ever been. Maybe I should stop with all this fanciful thinking that Chase was meant to have my mom’s number or that all this was some sign or something. I need to grow up. I need to get real.

“I think he’s just not that into me,” I say finally. My words sound weak with a dash of pathetic.

“Guys don’t spend that much time with girls that they aren’t into,” Hannah says.

“I don’t know if I believe that. Anyway, he’s going to London next week. He’ll be gone, and I can just … do … I don’t know.”

“Dawson?” Hannah says, and then lets out a giggle.

“Right. Dawson. Too bad I told him no last week.”

“That was dumb of you. You should have kept him around just in case.”

“That sounds like a sweet thing to do,” I say, with an eye roll, my voice full of sarcasm. “Anyway, now that I’ve had all these feelings for Chase, I realize that all it ever was with Dawson was lust.”

“He’s easy to lust after.”

I snort laugh.

“Ready for a hard question?” Hannah asks.

“No.”

“If you knew it wasn’t lust with Chase … was it … love?”

“I said I didn’t want the hard question.”

“How long have you known me?”

“Too long.”

I let my body feel heavy, sagging into my bed. Tears spring at the corners of my eyes and I feel them roll down the sides of my face and into my hair and ears. “I don’t know what love feels like.”

“Well, I fancied myself in love with the Cheating Douchewaffle, but I’m not so sure about that now. So, I can’t help you there.”

I think about it for a few seconds. “I don’t know. It’s definitely the most heartbroken I’ve ever felt. At least compared to other relationships.”

I’ve felt a lot of heartbreak this past year … watching my mom fade away, watching her take her last breath. This feels different than that. It’s like a different part of my heart this time.

“What’s the saying?” Hannah asks. “The bigger the jump, the harder the fall?”

I side-eye her. “Pretty sure it’s ‘the bigger they are, the harder they fall.’ Not sure that’s what you were going for.”

She sighs. “I was trying to make it a jumping-out-of-a-plane metaphor. Like, bringing it all together.”

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