Page 26 of The Accidental Text

Chase:I’ve been on edge myself, worried about that. So this is a long-term side effect, then. Good to know.

Maggie:I’m pretty sure it’s different for everyone.

Chase:Pretty sure I’m not bouncing back from this anytime soon.

Now is the time to text back something cliché like,Of course you’ll bounce back! OrTime heals all wounds,and then add a heart emoji for good measure.But those are the kind of answers someone who doesn’t get what you’re going through says.

I know. I know what he’s experiencing. The what-ifs. The why-mes. The if-onlys. I know them all.

Maggie:I’m starting to wonder if you ever fully do.

Chase:But it does get better?

Maggie:That’s how it is for me. I feel … better. Not all the time, and not with everything. But I’m not huddled in the corner of my room anymore.

Chase:How did you know that’s where I am?

Chase:Are you stalking me?

Chase’s ability to make a joke, even this small one, surprises me. Like the funeral, the first week after my mom died is a blur. But unlike the funeral, I don’t really remember much of anything. No bits and pieces to tie together. I remember the day it happened—everything about that day is clear in my head. But for the next week, I don’t have much memory of it. Maybe I did make jokes. Maybe I did laugh. But I just don’t remember.

I text him back.

Maggie:You caught me

Chase:You’re a terrible stalker, then. Totally gave it away.

Maggie:Is this your expertise?

Chase:I’ve never tried. How does one start?

Maggie:I can’t give away my secrets.

Chase:Damn

I smile at my phone. This was not what I was expecting or hoping for when I checked up on Chase. I didn’t really have expectations. Just that I wanted to make sure he was okay.

My phone vibrates in my hand.

Chase:Thanks for checking up on me. It made this day better.

Maggie:You’re welcome

I lay the phone down next to me and stare up at the ceilingagain, feeling … lighter. There’s no real reason. No one thing I can pinpoint. Maybe it was just reaching out to Chase. I didn’t set out to make his day better; I just wanted to check in on him.

My mom would sometimes tell us, when we were having a hard time with something, to look outside ourselves for answers. I never quite got what she meant until right now. Being there for someone else … well, it sort of feels like a balm on my soul.

Is that what I’ve been missing? Have I been spending all this time worried about trying to find myself when I should have been looking outward?

It felt so good to check up on Chase, to do something for someone else. Maybe that’s been my problem all along. I’m having one of those moments where I feel like I’ve solved all the world’s mysteries. Like I want to share it with everyone. I could write a book. I might be asked to do a TED talk.

Or … maybe I shouldn’t put the cart before the wagon. Or before the horse … or is it the horse before the wagon? Whatever that saying is. I should probably test out this theory a little more.

I look at that heart on my ceiling. “You were right, Mom,” I tell it.

I don’t think that heart showed up only after my mom died. I’m not fanciful like that. I think it was there all along, but I was never compelled to look for it until she was gone. Maybe she wanted me to find it? Maybe she wanted me to see that she was still here, watching over me. Or maybe it’s just from a texturizing gun and there’s no significance whatsoever. But for now, I’m going to choose to think there’s a reason, that it was on purpose, and that there are no coincidences.

Chapter 10

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