Page 54 of Too Close To Call

I’m frozen in a pit of denial, unable to claw my way out. Tori thinks our failure to reconnect sits squarely on her shoulders alone, but it doesn’t.

I hurt myself and Tori by disappearing the way I did after the accident. I never should have left. I should also have been man enough to face both Tori and Ryan when they came to the island to talk to me. I regret the way things played out, but I didn’t help by staying in my own box of self-preservation. I have so many regrets and even more shame.

Seeing Tori again was hard and had stirred up all those old feelings. But time has passed and we aren’t the same as we were back then. We’ve both grown older and hopefully wiser.

The wound on my heart is still there. It probably always will be. How much of that wound is of my own making? My hand could have held the knife that sliced through and separated us.

Being with Tori these past weeks has made me remember how much Ilikeher. We connect on another level, and it’s as if no time has passed at all. I liked being around her back then and I like getting to know the woman and mother she’s become.

I’ve never been one to skip work, but I called in day after day to tell the guys I wouldn’t be there, all because I wanted to spend every moment with Tori.

It didn’t matter what we did, it was always a special experience with her. Even debating whether we should bingeOutlanderorTop Gunmovies. I gave in and we spent an entire evening lost in the highlands, watching men in kilts. I’ll admit I’m a convert and can’t wait to watch the next season.

I grin, thinking about sitting next to her on the couch, which led to touching… and then making out… and then Jamie was forgotten as I carried Tori upstairs to bed. Yeah, I’m liking that show a lot.

Why did I let her go? I’m such a fool!

The sliding glass door to my deck opens and I don’t turn around. Instead I tip my beer back and drain it. I’m not surprised when Bode takes a seat beside me, making note of the half-dozen empty bottles on the table. I don’t even wait for him to ask. I step right up to the plate and admit, “I messed up.”

“What did you do?” Bode asks.

Amazing how he knows it’s my fault. “Nothing. I did nothing, absolutely nothing. I stood there like a statue and let Tori leave.”

“She’s gone? I thought she wasn’t leaving until tomorrow.”

When I walked in and saw her suitcase, I knew that was the end. At least she waited until I got home instead of slinking away while I was at the garage. “That was the original plan. She changed her mind between last night and this morning.”

I keep remembering the lost look in her eyes when she asked me if there was a reason she should stay. That was the moment I should have spoken up and said hell, yes. But I didn’t and it’s tearing me apart because I don’t know why I let her walk out the door.

I’d fooled myself to into believing I was ready for her to leave on Saturday. I frown—that’s a lie. Would I have tried to stop her if she’d waited one more day? I want to believe I would have, but in all honesty, I probably would have frozen just like I did today. What did I want? Did I want her to tell me she was staying before I committed? That’s sick if I did. How can we have any hope of a future if I can’t get past my insecurities?

She didn’t leave me this time. I pushed her away.

“I thought things were good between you two. Everything seemed perfect at the cookout.”

Not just the cookout. We were perfect all week long. All month long. “We were good. Now I don’t know what we are, or if I will ever see her again.”

“Why didn’t you talk about it? You know, clear the air.”

Even I think my voice sounds detached, unemotional. Nothing to indicate the rolling turmoil inside. “We tried, but she hurt her hand and we decided to leave the past behind while she was in town.”

“And you let her leave without talking about the important stuff. Oh, man, you are fucked.”

I nod in agreement. “You’re right. I am and I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I guess it depends on how much you love her.” Bode looks at me intently. “Jesus, Case, don’t tell me you’re still hung up on what she said after her dad died.”

I’m quick to reply. “No, I don’t hold that against her.”

That’s the truth. I don’t know if I ever really did. I think I was punishing myself by giving her up. In my own grieving mind, it made sense. Dale didn’t want us together. I was responsible—or thought I was—for his death, and I didn’t deserve to be happy and have Tori in my life.

“So it’s Daisy? You can’t get past the fact that she slept with Ryan.”

“I’ll admit that I did have issues with that, but I don’t think she was in her right mind at the time. Plus, I could never regret Daisy being there for Tori when I wasn’t. It’s just… Dale never wanted us together. He did everything he could to keep us apart. What did he know that I didn’t?” I voice the truth that has been driving me crazy from the start. What was so wrong with us being together?

Bode throws his hands in the air and scoffs. “That’s it then. You’re going to let her go and live your life without her because her dad didn’t want to let his little girl grow up. That’s messed up. There’s no reason you can’t be with her other than your warped mindset, put there by a father who couldn’t let go. You’re perfect for Tori, man.”

My chest tightens. Could it have been that simple? I’d never considered that angle. The thought of not being able to touch her, kiss her, or curl around her body as we sleep… kills me. Never seeing Daisy again is incomprehensible. I’ve only known her a short time, but she wove her way around my heart and I will miss her so much. I won’t get to watch her grow into the strong young woman that I know she will be with Tori as her mom. I rub my chest to ease the building pressure.

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