Page 36 of Taste

“Please tell me what to do to make this right. I will do anything, Mark. I’m at the end of my rope here. I need you. God, I fucking need you. I want to sleep next to you every night. Walk home holding your hand after work. Drink wine with you on the sofa and make you coffee in the mornings. I’ll even take you up on that bloody ice-skating thing. I’ll buy you all the wine you want and whatever else you ask for. And I want to fuck you into the mattress every single night. Not because I can, but because we love each other. Because you want me to.”

I’d seen Finn Christensen cry, but not like this, with tears running down his face and his body convulsing in sobs.

“Please say something, baby. Please. Just talk to me.”

He’d never called me baby, not like that, before tonight either, and that word was suddenly comforting in so many ways, especially coming out of his mouth.

“Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me again,” I whimpered, no idea where it had come from.

“I live here, remember? Everything is in your court now. I’ll do anything you say to make this better because God knows I fucked this up. But…Mark?”

“Yeah?”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

“We need to start over,” I said, but I had no idea how we would do that.

“We say that every time. Sometimes I wonder if we can, or if I’ve completely destroyed this.”

“I don’t know. I need to think about it. I mean, there’s a lot of history there. I honestly don’t know. If I had, I would have…fuck. Fuck. How did we get to this? Of all the freaking hotels in London, did the three of us have to end up in the same one?”

“I fought it. I tried to veto your appointment.”

“I know. Mr Klutz told me.”

“You still took the job.”

“It was a challenge. I’ve always liked a challenge.”

I shivered in my half nudity, feeling daft for having removed that shirt. Not that wearable now. I shook it out and stared at the crumpled fabric. He let out a small snort that was almost a laugh. Smiled that brilliant smile. I gave him another shove disguised as a wipe with my shirt. He caught my hand and brought it to his lips, placing the softest of kisses on my fingertips. “Want to borrow a jumper?”

“Please. It’s cold, and I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“I did a few anger-management courses after the divorce. Never wanted to get into that situation again.” His never-ending string of confessions kept surprising me. This Finn Christensen was nothing like the man I thought I knew. “I’ll never hurt you, physically. I’ll never lay a finger on you, however angry you make me. I promise you that.”

“That’s a big promise to make, and one you shouldn’t take lightly. We’ve spent the last couple of months hurting each other right down to the bone. But. I trust you’ve resolved those issues and understand what a despicable, unforgivable act domestic violence is.” I was deadly serious, but he had a right to know what he was letting himself in for too. “I’m not someone who is easy to live with either. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was fifteen.”

“I know. I reviewed your file from occupational health before your final interview.”

“You what?” I pushed him away.

“I put the screws on Amelia. Not my finest moment. But now you have all the ammo you need to get me fired, should you ever want to. I had no right to ask for that file, and definitely shouldn’t have read it, but I was desperate and stressed out and wanted to know who I was dealing with. And…as I’m confessing all this stuff anyway, I was hoping to find something on you to change Mr Klutz’s mind so he wouldn’t hire you. It was a lot for me to deal with, knowing you would be in my face, mocking me, every fucking day. Oh, and I once fucked Patrick from sales too.”

I gasped, hamming it up a little. “You are truly a bastard.”

“I am. I can be a handful too, I know that.”

“Well, I’ll admit it, I’m not exactly innocent myself. I used to get knock-off cheese from a guy, dirt cheap straight from a big wholesaler. He still delivers to us now, but all above board. I hope. Fuck, I’m not sure if I checked the last invoice.”

He cracked a grin at that, then laughed, long and loud. “You hardened criminal, you. Serving stolen cheese. I might have to have words with Ben.”

I managed a little smirk back. Because making Finn smile made me…I don’t know. I couldn’t make the world make sense right now. “Anyway,” I continued, “I’ve slept with more people than I can actually remember. My mind is a bit fuzzy in places, partly because I was into chemical relief in my younger days. Didn’t really work well with my meds. And, yeah, there are times when I get really unwell. I’m not an easy ride, Finn. Don’t ever think that. There’s more to me than a quick fuck.”

“You werenevera quick fuck.” He had guilt written all over his face, and horror that we were even talking about this. “I thought I could get you out of my system if I just got to have my way with you, but I knew, I always knew I’d never get you out of my system. You’re like a drug. Every hit I get, I need more.”

“And I thought maybe I could break you, the cold-hearted, hard-as-nails Finn Christensen. But I never did. I think you broke me instead.”

“I’m sorry—fuck. I keep saying it, but I really am. I’m glad you have people to look after you, you know. When I was a dick and all. We all have times when we just need to step back and take care of ourselves. I know you think I’m made of concrete, but I’m not. I wish I’d sought help when I was younger, and perhaps I would have made better choices for myself. But I didn’t. And I’m still here. Asking you to love me like some Hugh Grant movie.”

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