Page 29 of Taste

For the first time in forever, I was at peace, safe in this fragile bubble we had created, and there was hope in the world. I felt at home. I felt like this was what I’d been waiting for my whole fucking life.

I loved him. He came to me, and I loved him.

His hands stroked my back, lazy little movements over my naked shoulder blades. I tried to move my head a little, my neck getting stiff because of the position I was in, but he whimpered and squeezed me tighter, like he couldn’t bear to let me go.

I didn’t mind. I could have stayed there quite happily for the rest of my life.

I fell asleep to the sound of his breathing, my hair damp from the moisture in his breath and his hands still roaming my back and tickling my neck.

When I woke up, he was gone. He hadn’t even left a note.

FINN

I’d gone too far again. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to see him, and I shouldn’t have let myself get involved with him again. I should have stayed as far away from Mark Quinton as I possibly could, so he could live his carefree, happy life, full of flowery shirts and organic raspberry-and-white-chocolate-cheesecake ice cream.

I should have let him be, left him well and truly alone.

Except I hadn’t. I had been selfish and stupid and now… Well, now Mark hadn’t been back to work since Christmas Day.

I’d even sunk so low as to enquire about his whereabouts, skulking around the back of the restaurant like some stalker until I could get Mabel alone and pretend I needed Mark’s signature on some paperwork.

They just stood there and stared at me, their face twisted in disgust.

“How dare you?” they demanded in a voice far too quiet and menacing for my fragile ego. “Don’t you fucking go anywhere near him again.”

Oh. Okay.

It dawned on me then, that it was nothing new. Gossip travelled fast, and now everyone beyond the reception desk knew for a fact I was a dumb-witted arsehole, a self-centred prick, a user and a backstabbing liar. On top of that charming résumé, I was also someone who fucked around with colleagues and pleased himself like all those dickheads before me, the idiots I’d sacked while shoving the rules and regulations in their faces that I was now guilty of flouting. I may as well have marched up to Mr Klutz’s office and officially dismissed myself.

So, Mark hadn’t come back, apparently unfit for duties and taking an extended leave of absence on medical grounds. Something about the flu that turned into staying somewhere close to his family, who were tending to his needs. The words were a muffled confusion to me as they came out of Mabel’s perfect, pink-lipped mouth. Mabel looked stunning today in a flowery dress under a heavy cable-knit jumper, and the familiar sight made me weak. I would forever adore them and respect who they were, but Matthew Donovan had once been the love of my life, and in some ways always would be. Nothing would never change that.

“You can’t blame me forever,” I said quietly, hoping we were out of earshot of anyone else.

“Not here.” They looked over their shoulder as they dragged me into Mark’s office. “Youwent after him.Youare at fault here, Finley. You can’t blame that little mistake on anyone but yourself.”

“I don’t!” I shook my head in frustration. “I’m not denying what I’ve done to Mark. I’m talking about you blaming me for your life not turning out the way you intended it to. It wasn’tmewho left. It wasn’tmewho fell in love with someone else. It wasn’tmewho broke up what we had. That was allyou.”

“Please,” they implored, and there was a shakiness to their voice that was all too familiar because I was doing it again. Shooting when the target was already down. And I kept shooting.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and I was. “We need to have this out once and for all, because I get it, Mabel. I really do. You didn’t want me anymore. You’d fallen out of love with me, which was hard enough to take without you going on about someone else all the time. It was like you couldn’t shut up about him, and then you kept changing jobs, following him around like some lost sheep. Every single stupid stunt he set up, you were there at his side.”

“I know.” Mabel’s voice was little more than a whisper. “And I’ve spent years saying sorry. But you have to admit it, Finley, you’d fallen out of love with me way before I fell out of love with you. We’d crashed and burned already, and my infatuation with Mark was just a way out, a reason to leave. Yes, I handled it badly, and for that, I’m sorry, Finny. For the hundredth time, I am so bloody sorry. I hurt you. Believe me when I say if I’d had a choice, you and Mark would never have crossed paths, ever again, because God, Finny, the drama. The three of us are no good for each other, and you… Well, you know how I feel about Mark. You know how he is. Please don’t do this to him just to get back at me. I’m not worth it, Finny. I’m not worth what you’re doing to him.”

“What am I doing?” It was a genuine question because I honestly didn’t know. I’d never meant to hurt Mark. I just wanted him to disappear from my life. He’d poisoned my existence the day he’d met Mabel, and it hadn’t occurred to me what it looked like from the outside.

But Mabel was right. One hundred per cent. I’d started this with the aim of crushing Mark Quinton into nothing, hearing the satisfying crunch of his bones under my steel-toe-capped boots. Yet somehow I’d lost the agenda, and now here I was, staring into the eyes of someone begging me to stop.

I wanted to stop. Hell, I wanted the world to stop. But I didn’t know how.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” I said, scrambling to find the right combination of words to burn the tension hanging thick in the air. “I didn’t think—well, I did, but I didn’t go after Mark for that reason. I just wanted to have a go at him, make him fail for once, and I mean, I know he’s been good to you…” The words were jumbled in my mouth, and I couldn’t quite make sense of what I was trying to say.

“He’s given me a career. Options. A sense of self. You used to hate when I was Mabel.”

“Because I loved you, Matty. I loved you so fucking much, and you were just disappearing and becoming someone I didn’t recognise anymore. I…I thought I’d lost you and instead I had this stranger living with me, sleeping in my bed—”

“You don’t have to explain it, Finley. I was right there.”

“It was hell.”

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