Page 9 of Exhale

“Yup. But wouldn’t life be boring if we didn’t do crazy shit sometimes? And anyway, how often do you meet someone who wants the same things out of life as you? I want all those things. If I could, I would drag you off to Vegas right here, right now. And we would have the most amazing story to tell our friends. We met, I proposed to you in a bus shelter and then we got married. Here we are. Fifty happy years later.”

He mock-toasted to me in the air, and I kissed him. Because he was right there, and I could. Because he was crazier than I normally allowed for, and I secretly loved it. I loved his impulsive madness, just as he seemed to love mine.

“Wanna go home and fuck then?” I asked into his mouth. “Since we’re getting married and all that?”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

“Then let me take you home and love you forever.”

I smiled as I said those words. I wanted so badly to believe every single one of them.

JAMIE

This was actually, dangerously insane, and I cringed at myself walking along, swinging his clammy hand in mine.I’ve done it again, I thought, as my heart sank to my stomach. Why did I always do these mad, impulsive things, rushing into something with childish excitement and every intention of following through? Like when I’d decided to paint my room black. The restoration project on the wreck of a car still sat in our drive. The course I’d signed up for to learn to cook. None of those projects had ever been completed. Yet here I was, throwing myself into something I wasn’t sure I could pull off. Not that I was back-pedalling or regretting my words. I was just frightened of the reality here. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for being one half of a whole. Or perhaps I just hadthe naïve mindset that if I tried hard enough, I could make someone love me as much as I loved them. I craved reassurance and needed all those words said back to me. The ones I so carelessly kept spilling over him.

“I’m so glad I agreed to meet you. I almost cancelled earlier, antsy with jitters. Nerves were getting the better of me. But as soon as I saw you, I knew I’d made the right decision to come.”

He smiled nervously. But then he squeezed my hand, and I felt a little better.

“You don’t have to, you know. Stand by your word, I mean. I know it’s just a fantasy we’re playing out here.” Even his voice was giving me goosebumps now. Soft and smooth, with a gentle lilt peeking through when he wasn’t so nervous.

For a minute, I was going to agree with him because I knew he was right. We were playing along with this little fairy tale of our own making; neither of us knew how the story would pan out. I just hoped we would end up in a good place—one that wasn’t full of tears and regret.

“Tell me about your ex,” he said, and I suddenly needed to stop and drag him up against a wall so I could sniff his neck. What can I say? I liked necks. I was an over-the-top tactile person. One who liked inhaling the scent of the people I loved, knowing that whenever I needed it, there was affection to be found. I was someone who craved touch. Skin. Warmth. And this man in my arms—I thought he’d been normal, though he was anything but. He was handsome. Charming. Cute. He was strangely everything I’d ever asked the universe for, and his hands were around my face, his lips pressed against my cheek. “I’d rather know what happened, so I can, you know…not say all the wrong things and offend you or something.”

“I want you to meet her because she’s an amazing girl,” I replied a little breathlessly. “She will love you and mother you to death. That’s just who Kizzy is. She’s beautiful, full of curves, softness and laughter. Life around her is never dull. She smiles, whatever karma throws at her. But she needs someone who can love her back, let her be everything that she is. I smothered her, and we ended up suffocating each other. I’m intense, but she’s even more so. Just a fair warning. I will love the shit out of you, and if you can’t deal with that…?”

“I think I can deal with being loved. Just don’t put a pillow over my face or whatever.”

“Not that kind of suffocation,” I snuffled out, my chest getting tight. I didn’t like talking about it, but I supposed he deserved to know the truth about the worst months in my life, months that destroyed all that Kizzy and I had been.

“You don’t have to tell me everything, not yet. But one day, maybe, when you feel comfortable? I never want you to feel you have to hide anything from me.” This man blew me away with his kindness and honesty, again and again and again. I was surprised by his maturity, being brave enough to ask the most difficult questions. Questions I hadn’t even dared ask myself.

“There’s not much to tell. We’d been together for ages, and then we got pregnant, and I thought I couldn’t have been happier. I was on cloud nine, and so was Kiz. Life was suddenly just so impossibly perfect. Our baby wasn’t planned, it was one of those happy accidents, and we stupidly told everyone. And then we bought shit and spent hours cuddled up, making all these plans for our future, the way you do. Then things came crashing down. The little castle we’d built around us caved in. We got crushed underneath this massive brick wall, and we couldn’t find a way to dig ourselves out.” I had to stop talking, my words nothing but pathetic sounding wheezing as I continued.

“We lost the baby, and Kiz got sick, struggling with an overwhelming grief I couldn’t help her soothe. I tried. I tried so hard with everything, but I couldn’t cope. We clung to each other, and it felt like we were drowning in grief and love and hate and life, and nobody could give us any answers. Everyone around us got awkward. Nobody knows why these things happen. I just knew I couldn’t do it anymore, and Kiz was holding on to me for support when all I did was fall apart. It had to end. We were no good for each other and we both knew it. There was no argument, no hate. Just sadness and depression. The moment when we decided not to be together anymore was the first time I’d seen her smile in months.”

“That sounds…difficult.” He sounded so kind that I almost burst into tears. It was strange talking about it, like this, to someone who hadn’t been there. Someone who hadn’t seen the small broken creatures we’d become.

“It was, but it’s not anymore. We’ve found a balance now, where we can be exactly what we’re supposed to be. We’ll always beJamie and Kizzy, and that’s the way we roll. I hope we’ll always be in each other’s lives. Family is family, don’t you agree?”

“I’m already jealous.” His smile was awkward, but I drew him back in, holding him and hoping I could find all the words I wanted to say.

“Don’t be jealous.” My hands cupped his face, but I needed more. I clung to him, trying to hug him and keep our lips in contact. He held on to my neck. The two of us stayed like that for a while, standing against a wall on a narrow pavement while a woman with a pram walked past and the traffic roared from the street nearby. “There’s no need to be jealous. I don’t mess around. You are it for me until you break up with me. So please, don’t break up with me yet because I still want this boyfriend gig.”

“You’re still in the running for the Prince Charming job, and actually, you’re my favourite candidate so far.” He winked, my Leo. And I loved saying that in my head—my Leo…Leo…I have a Leo—small explosions of sudden happiness burning bright in my mind. He’d lightened the mood, in an instant, strangely without making it weird. I was grateful for the breather, because for a moment things had become a bit too heavy.

“My Leo. Can I change the knight thing? I think you should be a prince too. A princeling perhaps? I like that word. My Princeling Leo.”

“As long as I can still slay things.” He laughed. “I like the idea of being a hero…well, a pseudo one. I can pretend to protect you from all the evil dragons in the world…or something.”

“Don’t kill any dragons. I’m sure they’re endangered these days. You can be the protector of my heart instead…and my sanity, perhaps?”

He didn’t respond to that, just kissed me with a smile on his face. The sound of him giggling was my new favourite thing in the world, alongside the soft stubble and little laughter lines that now appeared whenever he looked at me. The curl that fell over his left eye. And I realised that yes. This was just that. Him and me. That little moment when my heart fluttered. I was falling and falling fast, like I always did, but this time was different. I was older. Probably not wiser, but I knew what I wanted. What I needed.

“Can we just stand here for a sec?” he asked, a little flush creeping up his cheeks. “I’m kind of sporting a boner, and this jacket doesn’t hide anything.”

I pressed my whole body against his, wrapping my coat around us both as laughter spilled out of my mouth, partly at his obvious embarrassment, but mostly because I was happy. I loved what we were doing here, what we doing to each other, how our bodies knew what was going on before we’d even realised ourselves. I whispered that to him, feeling the hardness in his jeans against my leg.

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