Page 37 of The Naked Cleaner

Which is not a thing. I know that. I still read up on it all. Blog after blog. What do you do if your partner is a naturist? Nothing apparently. People live happily ever after with one partner being naked and the other not. Some people become naturists too? Fuck that. Parties? Meeting the parents? There are links to naturists, who apparently care about nature, are strict vegetarians, sometimes don’t drink or smoke, and yeah, are all into nature and shit. There are nudists who just want to be naked, like all the time. And nobody has sex. It’s not about sex. Yeah. I get that part.

There are nudist holidays. Nudist beaches. Nudist camps. Nudist cruises. Naturist getaways. Naturist conferences. Photos of three hundred naked people on the steps of the Sydney Opera House.

I slam the laptop shut and panic. I’m not proud of myself.

PONTUS: What if I don’t want to be a naturist and just want to wear clothes and eat steak and be all fucking normal? How is that going work Louis?

LOUIS: STOP GOOGLING SHIT.

I should stop googling. That’s a good start.

PONTUS: I want to wear clothes. And sometimes be naked. Like in bed, with you. How is that going to work? I don’t want to meet your naked parents.

PONTUS: I mean of course, I will meet your parents one day, but I kind of don’t want to stare at their bits. Do you see what I mean? Fuck. I sound like a spoilt dork. I can’t cope with this.

LOUIS: Calm the fuck down baby. I’ll bring you home to meet Mum and Dad one day, and they will be clothed, I promise. We are totally normal people, and they will adore you. Mum and Dad are vegan, and they are both great cooks. We’ll eat like kings, and I will buy you a greasy burger on the way home. How’s that?

PONTUS: You are not normal, Louis. You are a total weirdo, and you know it. I love you, but I don't know shit about all this stuff.

LOUIS: Shall I give you the quick lowdown on being a good old honest naturist? Would that calm you down?

PONTUS: Yeah. Maybe?

LOUIS: OK. Chill. Mum and Dad have ideals and theories about life and things they believe in. Like normal people. Save the whales. Clean the beaches. Don't use plastic bags. Recycle. Don’t eat meat. Be good people. Be kind. Look after your body and be mindful. Stuff like that.

LOUIS: They also like the idea of going back to nature, back to basics, and simply, they are comfortable in their own skin. You can just relax when you are naked, because you can’t hide. It’s just you. But that is Mum and Dad. OK?

LOUIS: Me? I just fucking hate clothes. So would you if you had grown up running riot in fields stark naked. It’s much more fun. I was home-schooled until I was 12, and had never even owned a pair of jeans before I started high school. Stick a bunch of restrictive clothes on me and I get all self-conscious and weird. I also really like doing Yoga, and I like hanging out with Mum when she teaches her classes. It’s just a thing. We might as well be doing a book club or knitting or whatever. Mum just happens to teach a load of naked classes for people like me who just don’t like to wear clothes. Does that explain it?

PONTUS: It’s weird as fuck.

PONTUS: So, what’s a nudist then?

LOUIS: Naturists are all about back to nature and have agendas and views and shit. Nudists just want to be naked. Not much of a difference. Same kind of thing really. Everyone is all nice and kind about it. Another thing, naturists and nudists and whatever don’t like to use phones and tablets and things around other people, and it’s kind of seen as rude. You know. Cameras. It’s just a thing. People just leave them in their bags. OK? It’s not weird, but just leave your phone in your pocket if you meet someone… like if we go home and my parents are naked. Just... You know.

PONTUS: You said they would be dressed.

LOUIS: THEY WILL BE DRESSED WHEN YOU MEET THEM

LOUIS: Please chill. I will just take you home, we will say hi, have a cup of tea and then we will eat some nice food and I will talk constantly so you don’t have to. OK?

PONTUS: You’re a dick.

LOUIS: I know. I have one too.

PONTUS: When are you coming home?

PONTUS: I mean, when are you coming here?

PONTUS: You are coming over?

LOUIS: Chill. Just sorting out a few things, and I will be with you. I have cooked with Mum, and have loads of food to deliver, then I will be with you. We are fucking later. I haven’t forgotten.

PONTUS: Good.

LOUIS: It will be. Good.

PONTUS: Good.

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